Scarleteen

Hi, I have 2 questions please.

Firstly, how should I be checking a condom after sex? Surely just glancing at it wouldn’t make any tiny holes obvious so should I be squeezing it or filling it with water or something? Sometimes the condom will be stretched out more than other times after sex, like sometimes it’s dangling down a couple inches at the tip but sometimes it’s just a cm or so gap at the tip. You can see there’s stuff in it but how can you make sure there aren’t any tiny holes?

Secondly, as you may get the idea, I’ve been suffering with severe pregnancy related anxiety (possibly tokophobia). This impacts on my relationship. I’ve tried CBT therapy but it didn’t really work. The problem is that getting pregnant unintentionally isn’t really an ‘irrational fear’ but then I’m always second guessing whether my birth control is working (eg if my injection was injected wrong, if condom had hole in it etc). Any advice or resources? Thanks so much .

Hi there.

Really, the idea that there's going to be some kind of tiny hole in a condom no one can see isn't realistic. In reality, when a condom gets snagged somehow during wear, it's quite obvious and absolutely something you can see, as any fluid in the condom will be dripping out. There's no need to fill them with water or really try and investigate them, and if you already are struggling with anxiety, doing all that is probably only going to feed it rather than relieving it.

Is this the only arena you have anxiety in? If so, do you feel like you really understand how these methods of contraception work, what their efficacy rates mean, and also how pregnancy actually happens? If not, we could certainly try filling you in more on any of this and seeing if that helps you out.

Could you please elaborate on why it’s unrealistic to have small or tiny holes? It’s surely not impossible and I figure if it’s a small hole you might not notice liquid dripping out straight away.

I do have some anxieties in other areas but mainly it’s pregnancy and that’s the most problematic and hard to manage. I’m aware of statistics and effectiveness percentages but I’ll always overthink it eG. Injection is 99% effective but mine isn’t because my nurse rubbed it to wipe the blood off my injection site or injected it slightly too low down etc or I’ll think the condom looks slightly different to last time like the tip isn’t dangling down as much or convince myself there might have been a little hole I didn’t notice. So I guess that’s the issue

Hello!

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here.

I think what Heather is trying to say is that if there was a hole in the condom, it would be very noticeable and you would see fluid dripping. You mentioned that sometimes the condom seems stretched out or dangling. Condoms do come in all sizes and having a condom size that fits correctly can really benefit in terms of effectiveness. We have more information on that here: https://www.scarleteen.com/birth_control_bingo_condoms

In terms of pregnancy anxiety, you are not alone. We do have a couple great articles that talk about anxiety around pregnancy and pregnancy scares:

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... _companion

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/ ... kouts_soul

If you want to take a read through, it might be helpful. The first article links to even more resources around this topic. We're also here if you have further questions.

Thank you. And yes but on the dangling topic (I meant it looks like that after sex. When I first put it on it fits fine) this is the same partner with the exact same brand and size of condom. Just looks different sometimes because sometimes it’s dangling down at the end/ stretched out by like an Inch but sometimes only more like a couple cms but you can see the stuff is in the tip anyway. Why is it not possible for condoms to get small and hard to see holes? Thanks

Because the material they are made of, and the friction involved with sexual activity when they're being used, is such that a small hole would almost instantly into a tear. Too, a small hole is something that's usually only going to happen if something punctures the condom, like teeth or say, something sharp that was at the bottom of a bag where the condom also was. If the condom package is intact, and no one is introducing anything sharp to it when it's being used (and there's nothing sharp inside the vagina), there's just not going to be a way to make a hole.

Can I check in with you to see how you feel about the sex you're having? I ask, because if it's causing you a ton of stress and anxiety, but is NOT something where you experience a lot of pleasure and enjoyment, then I think it makes sense for us to talk about if having this kind of sex is even right for you in the first place. I hear you saying your anxiety is causing problems in your relationship: can you also fill me in on what those are?

Thanks. It’s more just over analysing and worrying afterwards . Strain on relationship because I’m asking bf lots of questions for reassurance and over analysing and worrying . It’s quite exasperating for him because he doesn’t see an issue and I worry a lot.

Well, since he can't himself get pregnant, I feel like being asked questions or reassuring a partner is the least of the strain involved in a couple where someone CAN get pregnant, you know?

You didn't say anything about your experience of the sex in this relationship. Separate from what your boyfriend might want, is intercourse, specifically, something that's been really beneficial to you? Is it something you get a lot of pleasure and enjoyment from, and that you -- only you, we're not talking about him -- would really miss if you weren't taking part in it right now?