I'm not sure what to call my experience

[lavendergooms]

Hello! Recently I was reminded of a memory from my childhood and instead of ignoring it like I did before sometimes, I decided to analyze what happened. I'm struggling to label my experience and am wondering if I could get some help identifying what it was.

The memory is from when I was around 6-8 years old. One of my classmate's and I would meet up in the bathrooms during class and hide in a corner to avoid getting spotted by anyone else who would walk in. While we were in the bathrooms, either I or he would pull down my underwear and then he would feel around my vulva with his fingers while I just stood there holding my shirt up a bit. Most of the time he would end up rubbing and poking around my clit. It almost felt like he was "inspecting" me down there or something (if that makes sense), idk. This went on for over a week. I remember him inviting his friend along one time to show him what we were doing. He didn't warn me that he would bring his friend and I felt really embarrassed when he watched what we were doing. He might've told his friend to touch me too without asking me first, but that part is a bit vague. At one point he brought a pencil with him and inserted the tip into my vagina. I remember feeling really uncomfortable when he did that but I don't remember saying anything to stop him. Thinking back to that whole situation, it kind of seemed like he knew what he was doing in terms of where he was touching and how (I didn't really know anything about sexual contact like that at the time).

I don't know how it all started and whether I even consented to it or not (some parts of this memory are vague, while others are clearer), but I do remember being very afraid of getting caught, and feeling guilty and ashamed the longer it went on. At some point I wanted to stop all of it but it had gone on for so long (in my eyes) that I was afraid that he would tell everyone about what was happening and that the blame would be on me or something.

Eventually we got caught by a teacher. However, the teachers and the principle simply thought we were skipping class and that's it. I remember sitting in the principle's office and sobbing because I was terrified that my classmate would tell them what we were actually doing, or that my teachers knew the truth and would tell my parents. I never told any adult about what really happened since I was afraid of what would happen if I did.

I'm having trouble identifying what this experience would be called. Would it be considered sexual abuse, or would it be something else? I did some research and it kind of sounds like COCSA, but considering we were in the same class/were the same age I'm not sure.

Something that is making it hard for me to identify what this experience would be called is the fact that I think I was initially curious about the sexual contact and didn't mind it much at first (though I definitely felt guilty and afraid later on), and at some points I kind of enjoyed it. Although, I feel like the "enjoyment" was just my body's natural response to stimulation.

When I think about that memory now I start to feel very anxious and stressed. I'm not angry at my classmate, nor do I blame him for anything, but I do feel very uncomfortable and...icky, I guess, when I remember what happened. I apologize if this is a bit all over the place, it's hard for me to fully recall all of the details of what happened since it was several years ago.

[Heather]

Hi there. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry you have felt so unable to tell anyone else this until now.

It is common for kids to explore their bodies like this. It is also unfortunately common for kids not to have gotten any or enough teaching from adults about what is and isn't okay with this (like putting things inside someone else's body, for instance, is something that ideally adults make sure even little kids know isn't safe or okay to do), including how to respect boundaries, ask about touching someone, and also tell adults or otherwise ask for help when something between kids like this doesn't feel okay. On top of that, it's also common for adults not to check in with kids in these situations to find out what actually went on so that if and when anyone is traumatized, abused or both, it can be addressed at the time.

One of the tough things with situations like this well after the fact is that, as you're experiencing, it's impossible to know what was going on in the heads of the other kids involved if you don't still know them to ask them. But what you absolutely can and do know is, so much as you can recall it, what your experience was, and how you felt about it then and feel about it now.

It's really for you to decide if this was abuse or not. I can see why that's so challenging for you, though, in this situation, particularly since it sounds to me like you had a bunch of additional trauma with this because you did not feel able to tell anyone, and so no one addressed it. It's clear you've been carrying around a lot of shame from this without any outlet to even express it for a long time. I'm so sorry. I'm also so sorry about anything that was done to you that was not with your consent, was unwanted, was painful or otherwise just not okay.

How can we help you out from here? What do you feel like you need most with this?