Scarleteen

So I really want to become sexually active or explore my sexuality with a partner but I am lost and I don't know where to start. I am honestly kind of tired of masturbating I want to experience sex and a human connection with another person. I really want that. Is it bad to want to have someone to practice on say a really close friend? I want to be able to know what i'm doing before I either get married or have an actual sexual encounter. I just need practice in all honesty. Sometimes I hate being an adult virgin, I feel naive in a way. I get really down on myself about it.

Any thoughts?

Hi staplesj_,

So, there's nothing inherently wrong with having casual sex with a friend, or something like a friends with benefits relationship. Some people find those work really well for them, and if they're something you're interested in them we can certainly talk about how to pursue them. But before you get to that point, I think it's important to remember that this would be "practice" for "actual" sex; it'd be a distinct sexual encounter all on it's own. When you thinking about casual sex, coming at it from the angle that the other person is just there for practice isn't a great starting place, nor is having it because you just want to get your first time over with. Does that make sense?

That makes sense! I just want to be able to try some things out and get over fear and shame as well. I just feel like I want and need practice for the real thing. Like foreplay, and oral sex and also reciving as well.

I think I just meant someone that will be patient with me and will show me the ropes of how to do things rather than me embarrasing myself.

Something a lot of people don't realize until or unless they have had a few sexual partners is this: EVERY new partner is a first time if we're doing it right.

Let me explain: because all of our sexualities, our bodies, our lives, our vibes together and more are all so diverse and different, no one is ever going to come to a new sexual partner and know what to do just because they were sexual with someone before with the same basic body parts. We learn, anew, each time, we are sexual with someone new, how to do things together, and then, if we stay together over time, we learn more and more and get practice over time being sexual together. Even then, the way we do a given sexual activity with a partner like that may well not be the same from day to day, or year to year.

And if and when we do come to new partners just doing what we did with someone else, or what we do alone, instead of coming to that sexual interaction with curiosities, questions, observations and responses unique to that person, unique to us with that person, and unique to the particular moment that experience is happening in? It's usually not going to be a great time for everyone, because it won't really be about them. Get what I'm saying?

What being with people over time will often offer people is just a growing comfort or confidence with being sexual with people. That will also tend to happen within an ongoing sexual relationship: all of our confidence will usually grow over time as we get practice with each other and get to know one another, and who we are together, over time.

That all said: any way of being sexual with any kind of person, in any kind of relationship, is, itself "the real thing." It's all real.

By all means, I'd hope for a partner for you who is patient: all our partners should be and we should all be as partners. Again, we all will often have to be because no one can come to us as someone who hasn't been sexual with us before and magically know what we like or what will feel good to us together. But I'd also hope that everyone has partners who treat all kinds of sex with them as real and a big deal, even in more casual or less committed situations or relationships.

How does all of that land with you?

That makes sense. I'm just sexually frustrated because I havent dont anything with anyone.

Hey staplesj_ -- I totally understand that frustration, but I want to assure that there is no timeline. There's no right or good or correct time for these things, so no one is late or early. They just come to it when they do.

I'm wondering if something you can do in the meantime is work on the connection you have with yourself, which sounds a little strained right now. I say this because you mentioned that masturbating has been boring, but it also sounds like you're feeling some shame about not being sexually active. Do you want to talk about it?

Yea! masturbation is kind of getting boring and mundane. I have been working through shame about being sexually active. When I get off, I tend to fall asleep or I finish too soon. Getting random hard on's during the day is also frustrating. Knowing that I can't do anything at that moment except fantasize. I feel repressed and I just want to be free. Specially sexually.

Hi staplesj_,

I completely understand your frustration and feelings of being repressed. It's been a while since I've seen your posts and I do want to mention that it really seems like you've progressed a lot in acceptance regarding your sexuality and desires. I think you should be really proud of yourself!

First, about your thoughts on masturbation. While I'm not entirely sure how you masturbate, I do know that there are many ways to do it. If you don't mind me asking, have you delved into a variety of ways of masturbation, or have you stuck with whatever works for you currently? I'm asking this because I want to see if it is beneficial to brainstorm some other ways you can express your sexuality and desires without a partner at the moment.

Second, about you wanting to try sexual activities with a partner. I want to recommend two articles to you, I'll link them below:

• Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience

• Ethical Horniness, Or How To Find A Partner In An Enthusiastic Consent World

Please let me know your thoughts on them. I think they provide great information on navigating sex and sexuality in your 20s and finding a partner. I know you mentioned that you want to try sexual activities with someone you're close with, which is totally okay. I just wanted to provide these pieces for the time being. Again, it would be great to hear some feedback on them!

I hope any of this resonates with you. Please take care!