Scarleteen

trigger warnings for sexual assault/abuse and trauma

i cant really remember much of my childhood (9 years old and under) and theres been speculation over whether my father had sexually abused me.

its a speculation because i cant remember it happening and it happened in a public toilet stall. but my father had taken me in and another person in the toilets heard ‘concerning’ things and accused my father of being inappropriate towards me. i cant remember any abuse but that doesnt mean that he didnt abuse me.

i have been sexually assaulted but not by my father as far as i am aware. the sa has given me trauma around sex and other things relating to it. but recently ive started feeling sexual ‘feelings’/‘desires’ towards my father and was wondering if ive got the oedipus complex or if it could be the result of trauma?

and sort of unrelated to this forums topic but is there a way to remember more of my early childhood?

i know this is a pretty uncomfortable post but i really have no idea who else to talk to without being looked at as if ive killed a puppy

Hi fledermaus,

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Trauma is such a complicated thing and one symptom of that is memory loss. If I could offer my own personal experience - I also have holes in my memory during a period when I was living with an abuser. I found that over time, bits and pieces will come back to my memory at random moments (maybe something triggered it and I'm not aware). Everyone is different but I think it's important to talk about these things to gain some sort of perspective.

Here is an article that might help you in sorting out some of the feelings you are having and it also lists some resources at the bottom you can reach out to. In addition, you can also come back here and ask any other questions you might have.

https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abus ... _with_rape