I'm scared of being threatening or abusive to my partner when it will come to our first sex experience.

[Anatole]

I'm 17, and I have yet to experience being in a romantic relationship. I am a tall, skinny muscular guy with long hair, I listen to metal and have a pretty stylish short trimmed full beard. I understand I might at first come off as scary to some girls that are much shorter than me, as have already happened in the past. My previous crushes have all been short shy artsy girls, so I definitely have a type. One of my close friends is scared of men, and another one had several traumatic experiences with men and women, so I understand that sometimes even when already being in a relationship, some people need a lot of time to get comfortable with physical closeness to their partner. I am concerned that I will come off as scary to my future partner, but I don't know how not to, as I am really bad with empathy. I am kind and try to be as supportive as I can, but I also understand that it may differ between just having a coffee and a nice chat, and a 6ft long hair dude in a slayer t-shirt going in for a kiss when you're not ready for that step in a relationship yet. I don't want to cause any harm so I need advice, shy artsy girls don't exactly seem like people who would make a move first, and I don't want to make it at the wrong time, and then feel horrible about it.

[Sam W]

Hi Anatole,

This is an incredibly thoughtful question, and the fact you're already thinking about how to make sure partners (or, honestly, women who are friends or acquaintances) feel safe around you is a great place to start this conversation.

The good news is that there are a growing number of conversations between men about how to be a safe person. If you haven't seen them yet, we ever have some of those on the site that could act as starting places for you: Ethical Horniness, Or How to Find a Partner in an Enthusiastic Consent World, Man to Man: On Sex, Masculinity, and Being Yourself.

I also really like the advice given here: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-do-i ... ing-women/. He covers a lot in that column, but in the second half he talks about concrete steps you can take to make sure you're coming across as non-threatening, even as a bigger guy.

Too, when you mention empathy is something you struggle with, would you say that's mostly about feeling unable to understand the interaction from the other person's perspective? Or is it more that you feel like you sometimes have trouble reading social or interpersonal signals?

I do think it's also worth pointing out that even shy, artsy girls can--and do--initiate physical things with a partner, so you won't be doing the calculation of "should I go for the kiss" alone. There are also a ton of resources out there to help people communicate about boundaries or wants once they're in a relationship. So even if you, your partner, or both, felt shy or unsure about how to navigate those topics, there are tools that can help you out.