I'm terrified I'll never have enjoyable sex

[soembarrassed]

I started masturbating pretty young, maybe around 11. I never thought anything I did was strange, although I obviously changed what I've done since 11 (I'm now 17). That was until I met my (now) ex. She was my first sexual experience, maybe about 6 months ago.

It was really hard for me to get aroused but it was really easy for her. She'd almost always cum, and maybe did once, but even then I'm not sure. I know orgasm shouldn't be the main goal in sex, but it was really frustrating for both of us that I couldn't cum. Basically, after a while of her eating me out or rubbing my clit or whatever, it would be uncomfortable and I'd ask her to stop, or sometimes I'd ask her to try something else (stuff like rubbing more non-traditional areas or adding more pressure) and she basically told me that she doesn't do it like that so neither should I. She was so sensitive and made a bunch of noise and stuff, but I didn't so sometimes I just faked it because I couldn't even comprehend feeling that kind of pleasure with her.

At first, I thought she was just kind of an asshole, but since we broke up, and I've been doing stuff myself again, I think she might be right. I need a lot of pressure, which makes me feel like my shit is broken. I also need visual stimulation, which makes me worried for having sex in the future because I can't just put on some porn in the background. I don't know if I've just lost sensitivity, or if I never had it in the first place. I see so many posts on people being too sensitive, but hardly any on a lack of sensitivity.

Everywhere online I see stuff similar to mine, and all the answers are different. They range anywhere from "stop jerking off to bring back pleasure" to "jerk off more to bring back pleasure". I'm on SSRIs, so I used to blame it on that, but now I feel like I've just permanently fucked up the sensitivity in my junk. I'm just so worried how this will effect future relationships+ I'm going to college soon and I want to feel like a normal college kid who can hook up with people and stuff.

Okay, this is a lot of stuff. I guess I want to put this out there to see if it's normal without having to talk to anyone irl about it. I also don't know if this is something I can fix or something I just have to live with, and I don't want to be afraid of having sex. This all sucks tbh and I just need to hear something from someone about it.

[Sam W]

Hi soembarrassed,

So, to start, I think your first instinct about how your ex treated you was the right one: refusing to listen to what a partner says brings them pleasure because it's not what you do is a jerk move, period. Honestly, if we set aside your struggles with sensitivity, I'm not surprised sex with her wasn't all that pleasurable for you; you were both getting frustrated with your sexual response, it sounds like you were comparing yours to hers, and she couldn't be bothered to treat your pleasure like a priority. None of those things make for a fun or pleasurable sexual experience.

As for what you're noticing during masturbation, I promise you there's nothing broken in what you're describing. There's no one kind of masturbation that works for everyone, and plenty of people find they need more pressure, or visual stimulation, or something else entirely. Too, there's no reason needing pressure or visual stimulation would mean you couldn't have enjoyable sex with someone. A good partner will communicate and listen to you to find positions or kinds of touch that help you get that pressure, and there's no rule that says you can't have sexual media on during sex (and that's before we get to the part where seeing your partner may be more than enough visual stimulation). Does that make sense?

I will say that the SSRIs are still probably playing a role here, since sexual side effects from them are common. And you're no the first person on them I've heard describe a need for lots of pressure in order to get any kind of sexual stimulation from your genitals. If you want to talk about how to navigate masturbation and sex while dealing with SSRI side effects, that's certainly something we can talk about.