trying to establish an important conversation

[Lyle Lanley]

soon we will move to a new house.
for now i share a room with my sibling, but soon we will have a room each.
thing is: my mum will put some of her stuff in our rooms and will enter our rooms to get it. i don't want that to happen, but when i only neutrally asked why, she answered angrily that she has every right to go in and out of our rooms.
what would bother me is if she walked in on me naked, or something. she has no hesitation for doing that. she will barge in me&sib's room if i'm changing, or in the bathroom if i'm washing myself on a bidet or briefly using the toilet, as i'm only allowed to lock the bathroom door if i stay on the toilet for a long time or shower.
i'm afraid that if i confront her about this, she'll get mad at me.
do you have any advice, or strong talking points that'll help me convince her, or at least shift her point of view a bit? thanks.

[Sam W]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

Eeesh, that sounds like a frustrating situation, and I can see why you'd really like her to start respecting your privacy a bit more. Let's start with a potentially simple solution; do you think you it's worth asking her to knock before coming in and wait for you to give the okay? That's an incredibly common response to a locked door, even between family members.

Too, has she ever given you a reason for not allowing you privacy when you're in the bathroom?

[Lyle Lanley]

hi sam w and thanks for the answer.

i think this will be a good solution. when we'll be in the new house, i'll close (but maybe not lock at first) the door while i'm changing. if she walks in without saying anything and i'm exposed, i'll ask her to knock next time. we'll see how it goes from that.

also, it's just that she never granted me any bodily autonomy. she only allowed me to get a "boy" haircut in freshman year, after years of dysphoria, suffering, crying and begging. she tries to control what hair do i grow and where (so, nothing on legs & armpits but pubic hair must only be trimmed or bikini line removed)
she and dad have tried to make me understand nudity isn't taboo growing up. i have frequently seen them naked while changing, i've showered with my mum until shortly after i reached the peak of puberty, and neither me nor her have problems sleeping with panties only during summer (we all think any chest is inherently nonsexual).
so i don't want her to look at me naked. i've also been wanting to completely shave, which i only attempted once when i was like 12 and my mum got mad at me when she saw it during a regrowing stage. i know she'll react badly if she sees it again, and do a whole rant about "porn dominated male gaze" etc etc. when she knows damn well i'm more feminist than her, plus talking to her about this stuff makes me awkward as i've stated in another topic.

[Logan W]

Hi Lyle,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in - I think that asking to knock is a good place to start and to gauge your mother's response.

It's not easy to have these conversations, especially when your mom has reacted badly in the past to you doing something with your body that she doesn't agree with. Has a conversation about your bodily autonomy ever been approached outside of her reacting to something? Is this also a conversation you might want to have with her? I know you said you feel awkward about talking to her about this but it clearly is something that bothers you. It might be better to focus on the potential benefits of having a sit down conversation if that is possible.

[Lyle Lanley]

hi logan, thank you too for your answer.

so yes i will do so.

i think that i will actually have a serious "sit-down" conversation, after i eventually ask her to knock. i will be preparing myself to hold this conversation in the meantime.
and no, we never talked about it if she wasn't reacting to something- and yes i would like to talk to her, when i am ready to do so.

[Nicole]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

I also come from a household where privacy was basically nonexistent. I think your idea of having a serious, sit-down conversation is great. I think it would also be beneficial to include your sibling if they feel the same way, just so your mom can understand the magnitude of the situation. Regardless, it seems like you're taking your time with this, which is important as this can be pretty mentally exhausting. Please let us know if you need any further assistance for now or if/when this conversation happens. Take care.

[Lyle Lanley]

(i am not in the new house yet but soon i will) after an embarrassing encounter, i have been allowed to lock the bathroom door anytime i don't want to be seen.
and my mum has started knocking when i was in my room and the door was closed.

i feel like i have achieved some kind of victory.

[Nicole]

Hi Lyle Lanley,

This is great to hear! Although, I'm sorry that it had to lead to that point in order for you to have some privacy. Please let us know if you need anything else! Take care.