Aroused and Alarmed: Advice?

[rastheexhorter]

(I might have posted a copy of this from a different account, so if that's the case, sorry.)

Alright, so I've been having this problem lately--for the past month or so--where I'm aroused really, really often. I'm a 15-year-old girl, I just started discovering myself sexually (I was never interested in sex until recently) and then bam. My panties are dropping straight through the floor. I've been trying to think of things to turn me off, like children or that weird drunk uncle you only see at family parties, but I'm getting scared because I'm still aroused, even when I think about those things. I feel like a dog in heat.

The children one is especially worrying because I was sexually abused as a child, and so for years I've had a pretty potent fear of developing pedophilia and abusing someone else because of it. I'm starting to obsess over this. I haven't had a romantic partner for two years, and besides the abuse I've never been sexually active. I am ovulating right now, so that might be exacerbating it. Is there something wrong with me? Should I be worried? Can anyone offer any statistics relevant to pedophilia or abuse victims or etc.? Any advice?

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards, rastheexhorter.

Some of this is likely simply about your mind and body adapting to the sexuality you're growing into at the moment. Like any change, and any significant new thing, it can take some time and adjustment to get comfortably settled . It doesn't sound like trying to think of turn-offs is helping you any, and is instead distressing you. How about Not trying to think of turn-offs and trying to make the arousal go away when you feel it, but instead accepting that you're feeling what you're feeling, and then just carrying on with whatever else it was you were wanting or needing to do, and letting the arousal ebb away in its own time (because arousal will tend to do that) - does that seem like something you could try and that you feel okay about doing?

That's a very distressing fear to have been carrying around for so long, and I'm so sorry to hear you have. First, a few facts: to my knowledge, there is no evidence that people who have been sexually abused as children are any more likely to abuse anyone themself than it is for the general population. What is common, though, is for people who have been sexually abused to fear that they might. There are a collection of reasons for that: first, it is super-common - close to universal - that someone who was sexually abused as a child internalises some amount of guilt, shame and responsibility for what happened. With the feeling that what happened is in some way about them, or what they did, it is entirely unsurprising that someone might feel it's possible or likely that they might carry it over and do something to someone else. And, "If I am "dirty" or damaged," thinks the person who was sexually abused as a child - and those are common things to believe or feel - "surely I could hurt someone else." But that's not how it works: sexual abuse isn't like a virus or bacteria that can be caught or passed on. Being hurt in that way doesn't transmit some bad thing to you that would make you any more likely to harm someone else. Too, if we were traumatised and distressed by being hurt that way, we Know, through living it, how bad it can feel; if we blame ourselves or feel bad about ourselves in some way, we can feel like we "should" or will be punished, and probably the worst punishment our mind can come up with is to inflict on someone else the thing that we think is worst - to Be the worst thing we can think of.

What happens, too, is that being sexually abused - especially before we've grown into our own adolescent or adult sexualities - can scramble some parts of that sexuality, at least until we get some support in un-scrambling it. It can be hard to figure out what our own sexuality is and what we want it to be, rather than what was imposed on it through the abuse or what we learned was bad or learned to fear through the abuse. It's not uncommon for people who were sexually abused to have some sexual thoughts and feelings specifically related to the abuse or certain aspects of the abuse, including things they despise or fear; unsurprisingly, that is usually deeply distressing, and people will usually feel very strongly that they do not want those thoughts and feelings, and have no wish or intention of acting on them.

Have you ever been able to talk about this fear with anyone who was trained in helping or supporting people who've been abused? If so, how did that go, and if not, is it something you'd be willing to consider?

[rastheexhorter]

So firstly, thanks for taking the time to reply. It's really appreciated. Secondly, I think I'll take your advice and just let my perpetual state of turned on-edness play out. To answer your question, I have been consistently seeing a counselor for a little over a year, so if this keeps discomforting me I will bring it up with them. I have talked about it, but it was brief and I haven't brought it up since. Thank you for all the help.

[Heather]

I'd also add that the concept of sexual aversion -- someone trying to turn off their sexuality by thinking of things, or having someone else show them things, that are supposed to be horrifying -- is archaic and something we know it's sound or healthy. It also never worked (it was initially developed as a concept to "treat" queer people in an attempt to "make" them straight.) So, as Redskies did, I'd suggest that's not something you try and do period, and instead just try and learn to let yourself have the sexual feelings you have.

It might also be helpful to you to know that based on study with this, we know that most people who sexually abuse or assault children are not pedophiles. In other words, they are not usually people attracted to children, as sexual attraction rarely has much to do with abuse and assault, with people of any age.

Instead, what those people usually are are simply opportunists who know that children they can access are easier to assault and keep quiet than adolescents or minors, and that is why they choose them. In reality, people with pedophilia are usually very turned off by and quite scared of any kind of adult sexual activity, which is, as we understand it, a big reason they are attracted to children, who also usually have no interest in "adult" sexual activity like genital sex.

[rastheexhorter]

Okay, thanks a lot.