Scarleteen

So although I’m demiromantic, I’m not asexual
My partner and I started dating a bit over 2 months ago, and have been best friends for over a year. They’re aroace and they don’t experience any sexual attraction and are pretty uncomfortable around it in general. I however experience sexual attraction and tend to get horny a lot.
Lately I’ve noticed when I am daydreaming about them my thoughts sometimes turn sexual and it makes me really uncomfortable and I feel really guilty
I recognize it’s just thoughts, I can’t choose when or how I feel attracted to someone, and I know I wouldn’t act on any of those thoughts in a million years. But I still feel really guilty. Especially because they were correctively raped by 2 previous partners.

Ive made the decision not to mention these thoughts because i don’t want to trigger their trauma and frankly they have no reason they need to know about what’s pretty much just intrusive thoughts

But i still need advice on dealing with this guilt I have about these thoughts
(Also i feel like it’s worth mentioning that to me personally if I can deal with sexual thoughts when I’m outside of a relationship on my own I can deal with thoughts when I’m in a relationship on my own, so I’m tired of hearing that “maybe just break up if they’re ace and you’re not”)

Hello Depressed mess,

It sounds like you've done some productive reflecting on these thoughts already; you're right, you can't control a lot of these thoughts and feelings. I'm hearing that you and your partner have an immense amount of respect for one another, along with a great foundation of friendship. I'm so sorry your partner experienced assault. No one should have to go through that, and I'm glad they have you for support.

I think an approach that could be helpful in dealing with the guilt is assuring yourself what you know already: these thoughts aren't easily controllable, and they're not actively harming your partner. The thoughts aren't a reflection on you, and it doesn't make you a bad person for having sexual feelings. If you're comfortable with it, do you think masturbation could help? If this feels like it will make the guilt worse, another suggestion I have is practicing mindfulness. Trying to repress the thoughts can sometimes only make things more uncomfortable. I'd recommend acknowledging the thoughts when they do arise, but not dwelling on them or giving them any significance. Do you think either of these suggestions could be worth trying?

I’ve tried mastrabation a few times and it has always felt uncomfortable to me
Maybe I’ll try mindfulness next time

I agree with Amanda here - the idea is to acknowledge the thoughts and understand why they're there, then let them just roll on by. When we try to hide or run from thoughts we give them more energy than if we just acknowledge them and move on. Everyone has thoughts we'd prefer not to have or feel are wrong, so it's okay to just allow them to happen but not giving them power or making them this big horrible thing. It's easier said than done, but if you search for mindfulness resources, there's plenty to get started and as you practice it becomes easier.