Masturbating does not feel good at all??

[venus<3]

The title basically says it all, I've been trying many different methods for a few years now and nothing has ever felt good to me. I've tried every advice the internet has given, tried clit stimulation and gspot stimulation yet there's never been a build up for me. When I have sex with my boyfriend it feels very good and all those kinds of stuff but there's never a build up either. Touching myself doesn't feel good, or like anything at all but when my bf does it feels good but I never feel any sort of climax nearing. I'm just so confused.

[Urna]

Hello venus<3, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm so sorry that you're in this confusing and frustrating space right now. Not feeling pleasure or orgasming while masturbating or during partnered sex is a very common problem, especially among people with vaginas. While it sucks, different things feel pleasurable to different people, and it is important to give yourself time. I know that you said you've tried a lot of different things, but take a look at this article: How Do You Masturbate?, it may have something helpful.

As you already know, sexual pleasure (and orgasm) are super dependent on your emotional state and mental relaxation, rather than just physical stimulation. It's possible that the frustration you're experiencing may be killing your chances of making masturbation feel good. Masturbation is not a race, or a competition, or even a guarantee that you'll "achieve" orgasm (I've always hated that wording lol). It's important to approach touching yourself sexually on its own terms, something that this article delves into: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A User's Guide. You said that having sex with your boyfriend feels very good; I think that shifting mindsets and liking the touch for itself may make sex a more relaxed activity for you, instead of a frustrating one, and that may increase pleasure! How does that sound?

[venus<3]

I went through both articles and in the "How Do You Masturbate?" I found that all the suggestions were things that I have also already tried. I also haven't began to feel frustrated or even thought about orgasms until quite recently because frankly I didn't even know it was about to occur. I think the main reason for me is when I see my boyfriend when he is orgasming and thinking to myself that I want to feel as good as he does in those moments but for some reason I can't. I'll take hours relaxing myself, taking my time, trying to find stuff I like but it kind of just feels like nothing using my own hands. At this point of trying multiple times a week for a few years now I don't think it is going to happen.

[Urna]

Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that none of the suggestions in that article were helpful. Could you tell me what kinds of toys you've tried (if any) by the way? Have you attempted combining types of stimulation (for example, anal penetration combined with clitoral stimulation using a vibrator, etc.)?

[venus<3]

I usually either try clitoral stimulation on its own or I mix it with penetration because I know how uncommon it is to rely on vaginal penetration alone to reach an orgasm. I also have tried anal penetration but only a few times because I don't think it's my cup of tea yet haha. I also have a vibrator and it works well for orgasms I just don't want to become reliant on it and I want to learn how to masturbate on my own without having something manual because I obviously won't always have a vibrator on hand. I'm kind of very set on learning what feels good on my own without the help of a toy right now and then incorporate it afterwards if that makes any sense?

[Sam W]

That does make some sense, though it may help to know that plenty of people find vibrators or other sex toys to be their main (or, sometimes, only) way of reaching orgasm and find it doesn't cause an issue in their sex lives.

I do want to check, are you on any medications? Certain medications can have sexual side effects, and sometimes it can help to know if there's an underlying cause to your masturbation worries.

[venus<3]

I am not on any medication or diagnosed with any health problems if that helps

[Sam W]

That does help, thank you! You mention there is some amount of pleasure when you and your boyfriend are together. Do you have a sense of what's different between masturbation and partnered sex that makes the latter more pleasurable?

[venus<3]

I think the difference is that when I'm touching myself it doesn't really feel like anything but when he does it, it feels like something. I'm unsure to why there's a difference

[Carly]

Hey venus -- is that the only thing that is different between these two scenarios? Does your boyfriend do something differently than how you would do it if you were by yourself?

[venus<3]

He does the exact same thing I do when I'm by myself, only thing different is receiving head of course.

[Mo]

How are you feeling, when you decide to masturbate? Are you already feeling aroused when you start? The kinds of touch that can feel great when we're already turned on can feel uncomfortable or completely unremarkable when we aren't aroused. I just wanted to check in to see how you're feeling during masturbation, because that could be impacting how good it feels.

[venus<3]

I definitely try my hardest to be comfortable and aroused but I find that no matter how sensitive and aroused my body is I'm still not reacting to my own touch

[Marisha]

I hear your frustrations about self-pleasure and wanting to find a way to make it work without toys, but I think that if you're experiencing pleasure with a partner and by yourself with toys, pushing yourself to try and make this work when your body is telling you what it prefers is maybe unnecessary. In one of your above responses you say:

I want to learn how to masturbate on my own without having something manual because I obviously won't always have a vibrator on hand. I'm kind of very set on learning what feels good on my own without the help of a toy right now and then incorporate it afterwards if that makes any sense?

And I wonder why you're having these thoughts/feelings? Like, why can't you always keep a toy around? What's stopping you? And why is it important to you to achieve pleasure this one particular way if you've already found something that works?

Also want to ask about your method of "testing methods/taking your time." Do you tend to go into self-pleasure moments in complete silence with no other stimuli? If so, I wonder if you've ever tried exploring things that you find arousing (reading erotic lit, watching a hot scene from your favorite sexy movie, etc.)?

[venus<3]

I wanted to find a different way that'll work other than just using a toy because I'm moving and I'm no longer on a floor by myself but sharing walls with others which I most definitely wouldn't want them to hear. With the testing methods part I never have complete silence because that's when distractions occur I usually read erotica or listen to an audio.

[Sam W]

Listening to or reading sexual media are both good things to experiment with! Just so you know, depending on the kind of toys you prefer, you'll likely be able to find ones that are pretty dang quiet (too, most people aren't paying that much attention to the noises coming from neighboring rooms or apartments unless it's very loud or startling).

[AceOfSpades]

Lol this is a really old thread, so there's a chance you've figured this out, or it's something you no longer think about. But just in case someone else stumbles on this looking for answers (like i did), maybe this could help. I know exactly what you're talking about and feel the same when it comes to sex. I enjoy it with other people, but masterbating doesn't really feel like anything. Honestly, the more stimulated I gets the more it hurts for me. There's release of tension but zero pleasure, and I honestly can say I don't know what an orgasm feels like. The explanation I have for my feelings is that I fall on the asexual spectrum, meaning that I have non-normative experiences when it comes to sex. I never really had an awakening in my teen years and as an adult just found someone I was sexually attracted after over 20 partners. I really enjoy intimacy with them but touching myself in their absence doesn't do anything. It's something I've come to terms with after many years of knowing, as figured this out in my teens, but it legitimizes the experience I have with sex as well as my relationship with it too. Hope this helps someone who feels the same