Scarleteen

Hi there!

I’ve posted before about coming to grips with questioning my gender identity as a FTM person, which is something I’m navigating while dealing with OCD. Having OCD can kind of complicate matters and make for intolerance of uncertainty. Despite it, I want to embrace this uncertainty.

I’m beginning to wonder if I am or have been experiencing voice dysphoria. I kind of cringe at my voice because it sounds childish and I have this distinct moment of being told I sound young. I have a bit of a long-standing insecurity over appearing/seeming younger than I actually am. I want to be perceived as my age (mid 20’s) and mature. My internal voice sounds childish and then when I actually listen to myself it sounds cringy and deep. Like I don’t know I keep tossing back and forth in my head about whether this is vocal dysphoria or not. Having OCD doesn’t really help with it. Any thoughts or guidance would be great!

Hi Berkeley2003,

I'm glad to hear you're excited to embrace the uncertainty and navigate your gender identity while also understanding how your OCD impacts everything. I have taken a look at your previous thread on here and am wondering if you've explored meeting with the gender therapist for a consultation yet. They should be able to help with this as well if that's something you're still interested in.

As for your uncertainty about whether you're experiencing voice dysphoria or not, I recommend checking out this interview with a vocal coach who explores gender-affirming vocal therapy: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... raffirming

I appreciate the article because it goes into many aspects of voice quality. I'd like to highlight this excerpt here:

You are not limited on this particular binary of high/low. People tend to approach it that way, but the voice is about the least binary thing there is. There’s so many qualities to the voice. Pitch is one of the qualities I tend to focus on. But resonance is way more important. Like how bright or how dark a voice is.

I hope this helps!

Hey there,

Apologies for replying late to this message!

I appreciate you sharing that link. This is kind of related, but I'm actually in the process of working gender therapist which I think is a helpful next step. I definitely think this is something I can chat about in session, but I definitely tend to freeze when it comes to disclosing this is something I'm going through. I think it would be helpful to share this with friends, family, and loved ones as a means to being honest to myself. I definitely feel resistance and fear gripping me. I'm just scared of how everything will end up for me when I start this discovery journey and people's reactions. Even those who are so supportive and open minded. I'm just feeling a lot of fear and resistance; any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Hi Berkeley2003,

With raising this with your gender therapist, something I often recommend to folks who tend to freeze up or otherwise struggle to bring a topic up during a session is to write out what they want to say beforehand. Then you have the option of either reading it aloud, like a script, or just giving your therapist the note and letting them read it.

As far as sharing this with your loved ones, is it only the stuff around your voice you're wanting to share? Or is this about sharing the fact you're taking certain steps with transitioning or exploring your gender? Something else?

Hi there,

Yes, I think that's a good idea. I'm planning to raise it with my gender therapist this week.

Regarding loved ones, I'm just anxious about sharing my gender exploration b/c it feels scary and I think it would feel more real, my gender struggle.

If I zoom out, I can tell that I'm overwhelmed and want to avoid or deny the circumstances of my personal situation. Just when I want to pursue action (e.g., trying out a different name in a specific setting), I get anxious and retreat away. It's akin to yo-yo'ing. I think the biggest accomplishment for me recently is actually starting therapy with a gender therapist this month. I just spend a lot more mental energy running away from my situation as opposed to dealing with it. It's a pattern.

Maybe, I just need to do things in baby steps and just do it in the face of fear or anxiety. I feel like I'm preventing myself from experiencing happiness, good self esteem, security, and self actualization. Instead, I'm just anxious and feeling detached from myself.

Honestly, starting gender therapy when you feel that was is a HUGE accomplishment, so go you for taking that step!

That "yo-yo" pattern does sound exhausting, though I will say you're far from the first trans or nonbinary person I've heard describe that same basic push and pull of wanting to do something related to transition but getting anxious when you get close. I think you're right that baby steps are the way to go; if nothing else, they generally feel less anxiety-inducing.

Are there people in your life, either other trans and/or queer folks or folks you know to be allies, who you could share some of those requests or news about your transition with? Too, your therapist might also be able to help you make a plan for taking certain steps, like trying out a new name in a specific setting; their office could be a place to practice what you want to say or run through various scenarios so that the prospect of actually taking that step feels way less intimidating.

Thank you! Yes, I think it's a big accomplishment too.

In terms of baby steps, I recently shared what I'm going through with a loved one despite feeling fearful. I'm glad I did it b/c it was positively received.

I'm struggling at the moment with how to deal and address something that's nagging at me. It's kind of at the forefront of my mind in an uncomfortable way. Looping back to my original post, I think it's vocal dysphoria and I'm afraid to admit it to myself. It's like I deliberately avoid having conversations with people or just speak the least amount of words possible. Speaking feels cringe to me, it's like hearing a small child talk. I guess I don't know what to do and it's going to be a bit until my next appointment with my gender therapist.

Hi there, Berkeley2005!

It's great that telling your loved one went well! If you don't mind me asking, what is it exactly about the possibility of having vocal dysphoria that is frightening to you? Is it linked to what you mentioned about feeling overwhelmed and wanting to avoid your situation regarding being trans and transitioning?

Even though I'm not trans, I know it can be really difficult to dislike your voice like that. I wonder if you'd like to explore gender-affirming vocal therapy- a simple way to look into that would be to search for youtube videos on the subject.

Hi there!

Thanks for responding. Really appreciate the support via this forum, especially since my next therapy appointment is next week.

I think the prospect of it being vocal dysphoria really, really scares me if I'm being truly honest. I think it scares me because it would entail doing something about it (i.e., taking HRT) then being public about it in some way. The change of it would seem super overwhelming. I think I'm experiencing flat out resistance. I think there is connection between wanting to avoid my situation and crawl into a shell.

I just wanted to add I think the stress of it feels unbearable and compounding. Especially amid other big life changes and transitions going on for me in my mid-20s. It feels pretty unsettling, scary, and debilitating. I'm feeling pretty scared about this gender crisis and alone in it.

Hey Berkeley -- I'm sorry this is causing you so much stress right now. Something I want to point out is that it sounds like you're still sorting out what you're feeling - coming up with a solution before you can fully articulate or name what's going on is going to spin you out into a lot of "what if" scenarios. I also want to suggest that a solution like HRT might not be the right one for you. Maybe just talking through it and unpacking your feelings about your voice will point you in the right direction. You can take this all at your own pace too.

As far as feeling alone, what is your connection with your gender therapist like? Is it something that helps you feel less alone, or are you just wishing you had some peers going through the same thing rather than a therapist?

Hi there,

I agree that I'm still sorting things out and haven't landed on anything definitive. I've noticed myself spiraling kind of into analysis paralysis, which seems on par for me. I'm kind of at an impasse where I'm doing a lot of internal thinking and pressuring to rush things, but not engaging in the socially experimenting with gender expression/identity that would likely lend clarity. I'm just pretty up in my head if that makes sense. I'm feeling admittedly scared knowing that this is a real identity thing to contend with and address rather than avoid, which there is a history of in my life.

Maybe I could talk with my gender therapist about how to make those small steps of experimentation despite the fear? Or I guess the only way to deal with it is to go through that fear.

Hi Berkeley2003,

I think working with your gender therapist to make a plan for some small steps is a great idea! Taking those steps can both give you more information on what kind of gender expression does and doesn't end up being a good fit for you AND give you a little more information about what actually happens when you take steps toward expressing your gender. When we overthink, it can be really easy to lose perspective on how people are likely to react to us behaving in a certain way, if they react at all, so baby steps might help you gauge that reality in a way that isn't as overwhelming. Does that make sense?