Scarleteen

(Hello, I’m a new boards user and this is my first post, so I’m kinda nervous.)

My question is: is it wrong in some way for me to seek out physical intimacy (hugs, snuggling, etc) with people when those people are not aware that I have romantic interest in them?

I’m in two platonic relationships (I’m in others, but this dynamic isn’t there in those) where I have a partial crush on other people.
I say partial crush because I don’t feel super strongly attracted to them, but those feelings are definitely there.

I’ve been wanting to have more physical intimacy with these people (and people in general), but I feel conflicted about whether that’s ok to pursue.
I feel confident with both of them and me voicing our feelings and consent about whatever’s going on, so it’s not the physical aspects that are feeling conflicting, but the emotional dynamic.

Hi Asking Queries,

Welcome to the boards! It's completely normal to desire physical intimacy with people. It sounds like these platonic relationships have a great foundation of communication and respect. As you said, as long as everyone involved is consenting to physical contact, it's totally okay to pursue hugs and snuggling when you want that physical intimacy.

I understand it sounds like you are more concerned about the emotional dynamic. Can you describe your concerns?

Sure, my concern is basically that I don’t know if the people would be happy to engage in the same physical intimacy if they were aware of my romantic interest in them, and I’m concerned that I am deceiving them by not telling them.

I feel comfortable talking to one of them, (I’ll call them Q), and am probably going to tell them my feelings, but I have not yet.
I also feel comfortable with talking to the other (I’ll call them N) person, but I don’t know them very well, and don’t feel ready to tell them.

I think that I also feel a bit guilty, because N proposed that we platonically snuggle, and I happily accepted, but my feelings were not entirely platonic.

(These names don’t have any relation to the people’s actual names.)

Thank you for giving me a bit more information. It sounds like you're interested in communicating about these feelings, but are concerned about the outcome. I think open and honest communication is the best course of action. The only way to know for sure how they feel about you is to ask and express yourself honestly in return. This can for sure feel vulnerable and scary, and I'm happy to workshop how you'll feel depending on the outcome. How do you think you would handle Q or N expressing mutual feelings for you? How do you think you would handle Q or N asking to remain in a platonic relationship? We can't control how they'll respond, but we can try to work through how you'll process the information.

“How do you think you would handle Q or N expressing mutual feelings for you?”
One of the complicated aspects of this is that I don’t know if my feelings for them are actually sufficient for an enjoyable romantic relationship, even if they had strong feelings for me.
I have never been in a romantic relationship, so I don’t feel able to really assess my feelings on this well. (I am alloromantic allosexual, but my feelings for them feel less strong them some of my other previous crushes.)

“ How do you think you would handle Q or N asking to remain in a platonic relationship?”
I would be happy with that, because although I’m unsure of my romantic feelings for them, I definitely want to maintain my friendship with Q and develop it with N.

I know that “expressing (romantic) feelings” usually means asking someone out, but I feel like for me in this situation, it might literally be expressing feelings and hopefully discussing them.

More on this:
I think I feel somewhat constrained by ideas that intimacy only occurs in romantic (which often really means, romantic and sexual) relationships, but I also genuinely desire romantic relationships,
I also seem to just generally get along better with girls and nonbinary people, who are also the people I am attracted to.

I want platonic connection, but seem to keep finding it in relationships where my feelings are also romantic.
I don’t see those romantic feelings necessarily as a bad thing, but it does feel more stressful and difficult.

I also have some trauma and (I think, I haven’t seen a therapist for this) distrust of men, although a few of my friends are awesome boys.

I think it's okay to feel uncertain about how you feel; having a conversation with Q and N may even help to clarify things. In terms of sufficiency for romantic relationships, there is no one size fits all model of what this should look like. As long as everyone is getting their needs met and feels comfortable expressing themselves, this sounds like a great foundation to build from.

It's definitely difficult to consider desire in terms of platonic or romantic. As with so many things, these binaries don't feel extremely helpful when dealing with real-world feelings. It may be more helpful to think about desire and relationships on more of a spectrum. It's okay to have complicated feelings towards people, when sometimes you're interested in more platonic cuddling, and later you're interested in a more romantic physical touch. I like to use the term "skin hunger" to describe the aspect of desire that craves physical touch from another person. It's sometimes difficult to decipher the motivation behind this desire, whether platonic or romantic, but to your point, it's important to understand that physical intimacy can definitely happen in platonic relationships.

Thank you, I really appreciate the quick reply!

Do you have any ideas as to how to begin this kind of conversation? If they’re interested, it could feel like a let down if I say something like “I’m not sure if I want to go on a date.”
I could probably think of a better way to say that, but maybe you have some ideas.

Also, on the platonic snuggling with N thing, I already knew that I had romantic feelings for them when they suggested it, so it was more of a combined platonic/romantic skin hunger.

(I know the binary isn’t great, but I don’t feel like I have better terminology to explain.)

Hi Asking Queries,

What do you think about explaining some of this to them they way you've explained it to us here? Or, at the very least, being honest with them about the fact that you're not quite sure what your feelings for them would translate to in terms of a change in your relationship if they reciprocate them? Navigating the intersection of relationships, crushes, and friendships can be tricky sometimes, and in my experience acknowledging that you don't know or aren't sure--while it can feel awkward--is the kind of honest move that can you and the other person figure it out together.

Yeah, I think that’s the best way for me to proceed, probably starting with talking to Q, because I know them better.


Thanks for the help!

Hello, I thought I’d give a little update:

I told Q about my feelings for them, they weren’t interested in dating me, but we are still friends, so that went great.
I haven’t talked to N yet, but I’m hoping to at some point.

It was definitely scary taking the chance of telling them, but it worked out.
Thanks again for the help!

So glad to hear it went okay and you're taking it well, best of luck talking to N!