How do I know

[Cerulean]

Hi, I’m a 20 year old female and I’m trying to figure out my sexual orientation and what I like sexually. I’m pretty sure I’m romantically attracted to people of any gender because sometimes I get butterflies in my stomach around people no matter their gender, and I fantasize about marrying or dating men and women, but since I’ve never been kissed, let alone had sex, I’m not sure what I’m attracted to sexually or if I’m asexual. Or demisexual. I’m still not entirely sure what they mean unfortunately. I’ll look at a person and find them to be hot, but if I imagine having sex with them I’ll sometimes get grossed out. I also have OCD, so that may be a factor, but I don’t know if it’s that or if I’m asexual. I read smut and recently have only wanted to read wlw and have only orgasmed when imagining being with a woman. I can’t tell if that means I’m gay. But when I do fantasize about being with a woman I only fantasize about receiving, not giving. Basically what I’m asking is if there’s any way for me to know what my sexual orientation is if I haven’t actually been with anyone yet. Also how do I know if I have a crush on someone or if I just admire them? Sorry for the long post

[Heather]

Hey there, Cerulean, welcome to the boards.

You know, being with people is often one of those things that often gives us more information about our orientation, but it's rarely the core information about it. In part, that's because gender groups are made up of millions or billions of people, and most people won't have more than around 7 partners in a lifetime (last time I checked the averages). Obviously, 7 -- or less -- can't possibly be a very representative sample of a whole gender, you know? Usually what being with someone does is just tell us that we are into that person, for whom gender is just one part. It can, however, often validate feelings we already had about our orientation.

No one needs to be with anyone as a sexual, romantic, or any other kind of partner to know to whom they feel curious about in those respects, and that's really all that sexual orientation is: a framework for classifying who we feel curious about, attracted or drawn to when it comes to their gender and/or our own.

From what you've described, it sounds to me like you have a very good read on that already: you know that you have had those feelings about people of an array of genders. What words or frameworks you use to describe that is totally up to you, and you also always get to adjust or change that throughout your life if you find your feelings change, whether that's based on experiences with other people or not.

How does all that land with you?

[Cerulean]

I think you’re right. I have a framework but I don’t need to know exactly what I am because sexuality is fluid right? And I can learn new things about myself later on.

Thank you!

[Heather]

Absolutely! Also, it's not like anyone is required to provide an orientation or words for their orientation to anyone, ever. Identifying with a sexual orientation is a lot like identifying with a given culture or faith: you can do that if you want, and you can opt out if and when you want, too.