When I was about 8, I kissed my sibling on the lips while they were asleep. Did I abuse them?

[volcanodude27]

When I was about 8 years old, I kissed my sibling on the lips while they were sleeping. I have never been attracted to them, and I’m not sure what I was thinking, and how I could have done something that I know now is so wrong. It happened one time, and I did it because I was curious about what it felt like to kiss someone. I hold immense guilt as a 25 year old. Does this count as sexual assault? I’m not sure if they woke up while it was happening, and they have never mentioned anything to me. We have a fine relationship now.

[Carly]

Hey volcanodude27 -- up top I wanted to say that I saw that you posted this question in a different thread as well. Because it was very closely worded to what you had written here, I didn't approve that post. I think talking about this here in your own thread is a better fit.

This situation does not sound like sexual assault to me. As you said, you kissing your sibling was merely out of curiosity, which is common when we are young. It does sound like understand that you did not have your sibling's consent to receive the kiss - is this maybe where you're feeling the most guilt, or is it that it was your sibling? Or maybe both?

[volcanodude27]

Thank you for your reply. I think that the guilt is stemming from both of those things that you mentioned, but mainly from the fact that it was non-consensual. I believe that one of the criterion for COCSA is that the act does not involve consent, and that is what occurred. I don’t want to see myself as an abuser, and have been a good person as an adult, but I worry that what I did would be seen as abusive. I’m having trouble being happy about anything, because I worry that she may have actually been awake and that I hurt her. I understand that it is common for children to be curious and explore, but I doubt that it is normal to do so while the other party isn’t aware of what’s going on. It was a quick kiss, but it’s tearing me up inside.

[Sam W]

Hi volcanodude27,

You're right that lack of consent is one criteria for, well, any kind of sexual assault. But this is one of those instances where intent matters as well; you did this because you were curious, not because you wanted some kind of gratification from it or to exert power over her. Too, you never did it again; often when people are talking about sexual abuse between little kids, there's a pattern of behavior that is part of the concern, rather than a one-off instance. Does that make sense?

Too, I think a really important thing here is that it sounds like you and your sister have a perfectly fine relationship, which suggests that if she did notice this, it didn't change how safe she felt around you. That, combined with the fact that this doesn't sound like sexual assault, suggests to me that a sound next step would be to figure out what you need to happen in order to start letting go of the guilt you're feeling around all this. Do you have a sense of what things might help you do that?

[volcanodude27]

Thank you so much for your insight. I spoke with a professional about it today, and they were able to give me some advice on letting go of that guilt. I really appreciate the time you took here. Have a lovely day.

[Sam W]

I'm so glad talking here was helpful, and that you were able to get additional support as well!