Scarleteen

Hey there,

I'm currently in an amazing happy relationship with my boyfriend. With been together for about 2 years. This is both our first sexual relationship. I'm not quite sure how to articulate the situation but I just feel there is something missing when were having sex. I think its multiple things going on so it's just confusing.

So when we have sex it's not bad it's quite nice and we both enjoy it he is also very attentive. But i just feel the sex is not where I want it to be. One issue where having is penetration he hasn't been able to go inside me because when we try its hurts, and we can only get it near the entrance at the moment. So that has been very frustrating and it's not a lack of foreplay or anything. I have been using dilators at home and I'm making progress so I'm hoping it will become easier. Because of the penetration issue we have only been having oral sex and using vibrators at the moment.

Another issue is that sometimes I struggle to orgasm I think sometimes I just get distracted or struggle feeling present . I also worry people might hear us so that's on my mind sometimes during. But I also feel there is just something missing but I'm not sure what it is. It's just abstract and hard to describe not sure if it's a emotion or sensation I'm needing idk.

Also I think another thing that comes into it is I do struggle with body issues and not always feeling sexual and sexy. Even though he loves my body and finds me attractive it's just something I struggle with. I also feel maybe I'm not that sexual and I'm a bit vanilla. I just feel a little bored, but I don't feel like I want to do really crazy positions or kinky stuff either. I guess I'm still new to sex and there is still a lot I haven't explored.

Anyways at the moment I'm not sure what to do and I thought maybe someone might have advice or gone through a similar situation.

Hi scarletgoddess_,

It sounds like there could be a few different things contributing to that feeling of disconnect or something being missing, so let's see if we can tease them all out.

First, it sounds like there may be some practical concerns that are adding anxiety or distraction to the mix. You mention you sometimes worry people can hear you two having sex. Are you in a space where you two have a lot of privacy? Or are you somewhere like a dorm or a shared house where it feels like you don't?

I think it's also sound to recognize that your own feelings about your body may be playing a role here, since that's, sadly, a common reason people can feel disconnected from themselves or their partners during sex. It sounds like your partner is giving you lots of positive messages about your body, which is awesome, but there can definitely be a kind of body image issue where even when other people tell us we look good or that they're attracted to us, we have a hard time believing it ourselves. Can you give me a sense of what kind of messages you grew up with around bodies? And what kind of exposure you've had to body positive ideas and advice?

I also hear you expressing some boredom with what you and your partner are doing. When you think about sexual things you two could try that you haven't already, are there lots of fantasies that pop up that excite you? Or do you feel like you don't even know where to start in terms of exploring things that turn you on?