Relationship struggles- Moving/location

[kali1526]

Hello,

I have been in a relationship with the most kind-hearted, intelligent, funny and caring man for the last 4 years. We met as he was starting his firefighter/paramedic job in Madison, WI that I was working in at the time and started dating. I soon got into PA school in Chicago two years later and he moved back to Milwaukee (MKE), WI to be closer to his friends and family (now that he was no longer on his probationary period) and was also closer to me while I was in school. I now have about 6 months left of school in Chicago and we want to move in together. I am originally from the twin cities, MN but had been living in Madison Wi for undergrad and 3 years working after school before moving to Chicago for school and loved it. I hade some close friends in Madison, and also had close friends and family in MN. I remember I struggled earlier in our relationship around the 1.5 year mark because I had always planned on moving back to MN. We had a conversation about it and he said that he couldn't move because he is an only child and his mom lives by herself in MKE and his best friends are also in MKE. He is also a firefighter and I learned early on that these jobs are not easy to come by and most people start and retire in the same spot because you typically start over from scratch if you are able to find another department. He initially said he couldn't move further than Madison. I sobbed at the time, because I am close with my family, but I also had made amazing friends in Madison and noticed my family's relationship was a little better with a little distance and was still able to drive home for the weekend (4 hours).

I started talking about looking for jobs after school and now he had mentioned that he didn't want to move back out of MKE even to Madison. He said he didn't like his time there aside from spending time with me because he didn't make many friends and it didn't feel like "home" compared to MKE. He stayed at the time because he was with me, but now has enjoyed being back in MKE. He said he wouldn't be able to stand moving from his best friends (he's more shy and doesn't make friends super easily). He works in madison, but only 9 days a month so he doesn't mind the commute. I had said in the past that I would be open to moving to MKE and he was relieved and excited by it, but worry about only being able to look for a job in the area, having to make new friends again, and being now 5 hours from my family.

I understand his perspective in that he is very close with his mom that is getting older and helps her with a lot of things and that he has a small group of good friends. I, however, have moved now multiple times and have been able to make friends and keep up with my family. I know my family is bummed about me potentially being further away, but they are still so supportive and always say that we will figure things out as we go. My mom told me that she would never want me to move back just for her and my dad. My sister had been living in Madison, but is now moving across the country for an internship, so she won't be close, and her boyfriend doesn't have intentions of moving to MN.

I have expressed to my boyfriend that I worry about being so far away from my parents and am scared of future resentment to him. He was understanding, but still said he could not move for the same reasons he mentioned before. He said that he knew that I would be sacrificing a lot and would do everything in his power to make sure I'd be able to see my family, friends and would do his best to make sure I got things that I wanted because he knew I'd be making the larger sacrifice. I will say this is the best relationship that I have ever been in. We have so much fun together, we communicate very well, and respect each other. I love him so much, but have never lived before in MKE so I just don't know how I will like it. I just struggle to know what the future will hold. I strive for a good marriage and a loving family in the future. My parents have not always had the best relationship, so being in one that makes me feel heard and loved means the world to me. I just worry about the potential of feeling stuck.

[Sam W]

Hi Kali,

It does sound like he's been very clear that he isn't willing to move, which means the decision around all this is very much in your court. With that in mind, I think it might help to start with some questions for yourself, and a few you and your boyfriend could talk about together.

The first question is: have the two of you talked about what him doing "everything in his power" to help you stay connected to the people who are important to you look like? And when you think about those connections, can you think of ways to maintain them from a distance?

Too, what other things do you want from your future besides being with your boyfriend? What kind of work do you want to do? What kind of hobbies or activities do you want to be in or are important to you? When you envision a future you're excited for, what other things are present in it?