Scarleteen

Hi my name is Austin I'm 15 and I've been very confused as of lately. Being raised in the southern area of the U.S. i was brought up on very traditional ideals, however a few years ago i have changed my ideals and have tried to better myself. In 8th grade i was ignorant to the LGBTQ+ community then i met one of my best friends who is a pansexual girl, and she really opened my eyes to the basics of the community. My attitude towards people in general has changed all around to the belief that people are people just trying to get by in this crazy world. Anyway, like I said at the start of the post I've been confused for about 2 years now in my identity. I have discovered that I would personally identify as a submissive guy, now i don't mean a sexually submissive "slave" type of relationship (not knocking it's just not for me). I personally would like to be in a more sensual relationship for example, a gentle female dom who gives praise, headpats, cuddles, the whole kit and kaboodle. It may sound cringy or perhaps it may just be me being self-concious of myself. Anyway my question was even though i see myself as a sub is it ok to have "dom" personality traits and hobbies? For example my before mentioned best friend has stated that i have a big brother/cool dad personality, as for hobbies i still like boxing and collecting blades, however i also have "sub" hobbies as well such as, guitar, art, reading, writing, and all around learning. Is this normal? Also my friend once stated that i give off "gay vibes" last year in 8th grade, now in freshmen year i was told this again by someone random, for doing something as simple as wearing a flannel, that I give off "gay vibes". Is this common? How should I persue my identity, as in where do i go from here? And while i have read up on dom/sub relationships i have noticed people say that one should mention early on in dating one's preferences, but is it ok to have an attitude such as, " I'm sub, i need a dom" and ask if someone is on a first date, to me that doesn't sound to viable or polite? I want to be as respectful to myself and others at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I'll never find someone who'll love me for me(I've never dated), but I am willing to try. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Have an amazing day!

Hi, welcome to the boards! First off, to answer your question, it's definitely okay to identify as a sub but also have dom traits or hobbies. That being said, I wouldn't label or categorize any of the hobbies you mentioned as either. Sure, fine arts are often seen as feminine and things like boxing masculine, but that's an outdated view and not at all based on facts. The truth is a lot of masculine folks do fine arts and vice versa. On top of that, dom and sub as labels aren't related to anything gendered. Is it common for people to say someone gives off "gay vibes" at your age? Sort of, yeah, which is super unfortunate because every queer person (and straight person) is different and there's no such thing. Don't let it get to you, because being gay isn't bad so being told you "give off gay vibes" isn't offensive (regardless of how they mean it). Finally, you're right, it's not a good idea to come out with a conversation about being a sub on a first date - unless you're having an open conversation about sex, in which case by all means. It's not necessary to bring up right away.
I can send you a resource to start exploring your identity, let me know if it helps or you have any more questions!
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/gend ... r_everyone

Thank you Sofi for taking time out of your night to read this I greatly appreciate it, and i meant no animosity or foul intentions when labeling hobbies in the fine arts as "dom" or "sub", and I truly, sincerely apologize if i have offened you in any way I only meant to describe it as one other than I might perceive it, for I love the fine arts however I've had experiences when I was criticized for it, so I used their point of view. As mentioned in the original post growing up in the southern USA has forced a lot of outdated thinking on young people such as I, and I am trying my best to still grow as a respectful individual to all. Btw thank you for linking resources as well, and I wish you a good night.

Hi Austin, no worries you didn't offend me - but I appreciate the apology and applaud the self-awareness! I lived in the South in my teens so I definitely understand what you mean. You're doing great by being open to learning and expanding your views.You're always welcome here whether it's to ask questions or vent <3

Thank you <3
Sorry it took me a minute to respond, I've been working on school work and playing guitar.
I can already tell this is a very accepting and kind community.
I'm glad we spoke, you've been very insightful kind, and understanding. I will definitely accept your offer if i ever need to (I'm sure I will)
again thank you for your hospitality <3

Also is this an advice board for everything or just relationship/sexuality/self advice?

Hi Austin,

I'm glad you found us too! And yes, the general focus of the boards is one sex, relationships, bodies, and related topics, but if someone asks something outside of what we can help with, we do our best to help refer them to a resource that's a better fit for what they need.