Sexually Frustrated

[Jennifer87]

I had an arranged marriage and due to cultural reason I wasn’t allowed to have sex before marriage. We are both in our late 30s. I have been married for two years and I haven’t had sex with my husband. When we get intimate, which is always initiated by me ends in a make out. I have asked him several times in these past years and months if he is attracted to me or has any issues. He has always denied it and said it will happen. Despite of telling him that I am sexually frustrated and unsatisfied, I am still not heard. We fight and argue and have different opinions on things, which he blames for not bringing him in the mood.
With no other way, I had to drag my in-laws into the picture. Then he acknowledges the gravity of the situation admitting that he has low sex drives and will see a doctor.
He saw a urologist and his blood work with testosterone level and sex hormone level came normal. The Dr suggested he said take viagra.
I know he has never had sex and I feel he is asexual. He is in denial and doesn’t admit that.
I have decided to file a divorce because I don’t think viagra will fix his low sex drive. I want a healthy normal sex life and I feel viagra make its meditative and more like a forced sex. Am I wrong to think this way? Should I give him a chance with the pill?
-Sexually Frustrated Girl

[Sam W]

Hi Jennifer87,

So, it sounds like there are a few different things going on here. Before we dive into them, I do want to note that him having little interest in sex isn't necessarily a sign of asexuality, or of an underlying medical condition. Sex drive varies from person to person, and for an individual person through-out their lives. And a lot of things, including things like stress, can influence it. So, it's important to keep in mind that it may just be that he has a lower desire for sex overall.

That brings us to the fact that it sounds like there's a mismatch between how often you're interested in sex and how often he is. That's certainly something couples can and do learn to navigate, but how successful that navigation is depends on a few different things. To start with, how would you describe your relationship overall? Do you feel happy and comfortable around him most of the time, and do you sense he feels the same? Are you attracted to each other? It sounds like communication around this issue has been fraught, but are you otherwise able to navigate tricky conversations with each other?