Scarleteen

Back in like, 2021, I wanted to write some smut. It had been most of my pornographic intake for a few months so I decided, hey, why not give it a shot? The problem here was that I was— and still am— extremely paranoid about being found out. I didn’t want it in my Pages, Notes, or anywhere else anyone, uh, randomly browsing through my devices files could find it. So I thought the best solution would be to write it through some online website. Plenty of sites let you share drafts, so I thought I could just write my stuff in there and save the drafts for myself to view later. I ended up settling on AO3, a very recognizable site, because it seemed to be the most used site for writers online and had very intuitive UI. The only problem here was that AO3 only lets you save drafts for a month, and then automatically deletes them.

Bizarre design decision, I know! But, anyway, I didn’t let that stop me, and instead decided I would just post my work instead of leaving it to rot in the drafts. So I did. I set up some rules, no talking to people in the comments ever nor trying to contact them on other sites— in fact I just turned the comments off on my work altogether. I also decided never to share any sexual drawings I had made, since art style is always something very unique and of course I didn’t want anyone to recognize me. I put very little information in my bio. For a few months I posted smutty short stories I wrote online. Some of them actually got pretty popular, to the point where people I found to be very respectable writers gave kudos to them. The most recent one I posted last summer, after not having written anything since that winter.

After the fact, I had realized it was probably a bad idea to have made such a hobby for myself. I still don’t see anything wrong in the actual content side of things, but posting them online definitely made some connections in my head that probably aren’t the best to have. I did genuinely enjoy checking on my works every few days and seeing how many people liked them, checking the profiles of people who bookmarked them, etc. Even if it wasn’t direct interaction, I would certainly call it a social thing. That I needed to take my stuff down really hit me, though, when I noticed one specific user who had bookmarked pretty much everything I’d written. I then checked her profile to see what her whole deal was. At that point I wished this site had a block feature. The things I saw made me sick (I do realize some of the people on this forum are “pro-shippers” and wouldn’t really see an issue, but I at least hope you understand that not wanting my stories to be associated with stories of pedophilia, incest, and beastiality is a reasonable boundary).

So a month or so ago I made a text document on my computer and copied all my stories into there, complete with the final kudos and bookmark counts, as well as the original tags I used. I also made some postscript for myself, and also in case I wanted to share my thoughts with a therapist. I deleted all my works off the site and made all my own bookmarks private, though I still use the account to keep record of the smut I read there.

All this to say that nowadays I still sometimes long to share my works online. I’ve somewhat surpassed my fear of keeping smut in my files, and I still have a draft of a piece I never finished hidden in there. But sometimes, especially when I have a fantasy that involves a character from a story with a developed fandom, I think of sharing it in spite of everything. I’m not sure why! I haven’t written really anything for a long time, and while perhaps smutfic might be a good way to get myself back on the horse, the desire to post it is frankly both embarrassing and also kind of dangerous. I’m pretty active in some fandoms on my usual social media accounts, and know— at least from a distance— people who also separately post smut on their NSFW accounts. It would be mortifying to come into contact with them through a fic I wrote, without them knowing I’m the same kid who reblogged their fanart last week! Or perhaps I really do want to get recognition from them?

I don’t really talk with my friends about my desire, so perhaps the need to have some socialization about it is just bleeding through into my online interactions. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happened. I’ve recently started lurking on a SFW fetish community online that’s really endearing to me. I haven’t interacted with any of the artists all that much, yet, but I have liked their stuff using my main account before. I will note here that what these artists produce is explicitly nonsexual, even if the fetish itself can be sexual. So I don’t think it would be too bad for me to publicly interact with them. Plenty of them are minors themselves and have pretty strict boundaries. I understand that even with all that, it is still definitely risky. Overall I don’t even think it’s that good of an idea, really, I just like to entertain the thought that maybe my friends won’t balk at my interests, that I could ever share my self indulgent art online, that there are other kids like me out there.

So, really, I’m not even sure if this all is a question at all. More of a confession. I’ve wanted to get these thoughts out of my head for a while, and I find writing (or typing) much easier than speaking.

Hi brungerbulb,

I want to start by saying we're glad you feel comfortable sharing this with us and being so vulnerable. I grew up in similar online communities (DeviantArt, AO3, Tumblr) where there was constant trading of NSFW fanfiction. When you said it was a social thing--you're totally right. It's nice to be able to share your work with those who have similar interests, get feedback, and connect through the comments. However, it's important to recognize that when you put your work out into the world, some people who consume work that you don't like will also consume yours. With that, I would take some time to think if this trade-off is worth it to you for getting to share what you made. I think that comes with anything online-related, like TikTok for example. I've seen that when a user's post hits the wrong audience, it can have detrimental effects on them.

From my own experience, while I never wrote or shared NSFW fanfic, I had a friend who did. I'm pretty sure we were the same age as you were when you started writing (13-ish?). We never really looked into the users who were bookmarking her work, but I imagine they're similar to the person you mentioned. What I did notice from your experience vs. mine, was how you handled this vs. how I think my friend and I would've handled this. We were kids on the internet--we liked the attention that her work got, and we loved seeing the interactions and the numbers of kudos go up. I feel like my friend would've kept her work up regardless of who was looking, simply because she liked the positive feedback. We just liked the validation. Honestly, I'm glad that you, in a way, stuck up for yourself and respected your boundaries. However, moving forward, I would think about what I mentioned in the paragraph above. Please let me know if any of this resonates with you!

My mistake! I think I probably did hide my real question in my original paragraphs somewhere, but I was too proud to actually state it out loud: would it be foolish of me to attempt something similar again? I mean making an account and sharing more sensitive artwork. I would also like to restate that my concern isn’t entirely with my distaste for being viewed by people I disagree with, but rather that getting too comfortable online would put me at personal risk, that is, for abusive interaction. I’m glad you and your friend had fun online, and I consider it something of a miracle I managed to do the same thing myself, but I still get the terrible feeling that if I had stuck around a little longer I might’ve not made it out so well.

I’m very tempted to take a similar dive, albeit with a different (nonsexual) topic and with a potentially even more vulnerable approach: sharing my drawings, and not just my writing. I mentioned I’ve grown attached to a niche community I’ve hovered over online for a little while, and I wanted to share my own drawings that were similar to their’s. The difference would be I would not be entirely anonymous (as in, I respond to people when they speak to me, I may hint back towards my main account, etcetera), since that would be impossible considering my art style is recognizable enough to those who know what to look for; I would also have to set strict boundaries up front (no RPing, no private messaging— speak to me like a man or perish like a dog, no sexual comments towards my art/characters); I may even disclose I’m a minor to discourage the aforementioned, however, I know doing so may only exacerbate same.

Of course, I know the risks! I fear that my friends from my main account will find this one and think of me differently (what do they even think of me now? We barely talk!), and of course there’s the ever-present danger of predators when sharing absolutely anything sensitive. I’ve considered the possibility that someone will find my side account, heed the boundaries I’ve set, then hop over to my main account and befriend me there in order to then get me to spill the things I’ve agreed not to talk about online. Another issue is that while the community I’ve observed does not consider their shared interest sexual in any way, I am fond of it both as a simple fascination/unconventional form of affection and as a sexual fixation. It can become difficult to tell the difference in some cases, especially if I’m the one manning the pen, so of course I may overshare on accident and, again, put myself at harm’s risk.

But oh, the socialization! I am far too lonely to settle for my own thoughts alone. I’ll likely take the plunge, entertain myself for a few months, then delete all evidence of doing so off the site and regret everything forever. I wish I wasn’t such a scaredy—cat and would just do what I know I want to. Or maybe my problem is I’m too reckless and need to take a step back and see the big picture before I jump in. One of those two. Probably not some sort of intermediate difficulty.

Hi there,

I hope it's okay that I am jumping in. I think it's really great that you are thinking about your boundaries and limits before re-entering this again. I would definitely list those boundaries and limits for yourself. And I understand your concerns for potential abusive or scary interactions from putting your work back online. I think that it would be beneficial to think about digital security - one place that has been incredibly helpful for me is Digital Defense Fund (here is a list of their guides: https://digitaldefensefund.org/ddf-guides). They list a lot of resources that can be really helpful as you make these decisions.

As for whether or not you should, I can't make that decision for you but we are here to give you any other resources that can help you make an informed decision. Are there any other concerns that come up when you think about putting your work back online?

Hi! I’ve reconsidered everything I’ve said after having today a) been blocked by a mutual for making even a casual joke about vore and b) stumbling upon an adult who talked about how “SFW” vore communities are genuinely just allowing minors into adult spaces as an opportunity to groom them. This is obvious in hindsight and the logical conclusion of everything and should’ve already been apparent based on how much I’ve had to clarify that what I was interested in was “nonsexual”. I feel silly. I should’ve realized. I will go back to lurking, obviously, but I don’t know how comfortable I will be with doing so knowing that many of the blogs I was interested in were likely these adults in question. I’m glad I didn’t try again. I was looking for reassurance, community, validation, everything that would make me a prime target. I feel foolish. “Safe-for-work fetishes”, “unusual interests”… god, not even logical concepts! One day my loneliness will be the death of me and it’ll be my own damn fault for not checking the warning signs. I’ve kept all these feelings to myself for half my entire life, why should a few more years matter at all? Why do I want to be seen so badly? Don’t I realize it’ll kill me?

Hi there, brungerbulb!

I'm sorry about what happened with your mutual. I've been in situations where I've tried to make a lighthearted joke that was received poorly- it can be really jarring and painful.

Honestly, to me, it makes a lot of sense that you want to be seen. We're a social species, and recognition by other people can be important in helping us recognize and understand ourselves. Beyond that, vore is one of those interests that is easier to interpret uncharitably- so it makes even more sense that you'd feel drawn to the promise of a community that could offer you reassurance and validation. I understand you feel foolish and silly, but I don't think you are either of those things.

I'm not personally familiar with vore, so I can't speak to the specific dynamics in these communities. I don't know whether the post you mentioned is reporting a genuine problem or making a harsh assumption about the people in these communities. In the fandom and arts communities that I'm familiar with, I've found it is possible to interact with adults without the interactions becoming inappropriate. There are bad people on the internet, but keeping things like digital security in mind (as Logan mentioned) and understanding how grooming works can help you stay safe.

Overall, I think it is good that you take your safety seriously. If you feel this isn't a good time to interact with these communities, do you think you could find ways to reassure and validate yourself? Are there other places where you can connect with people to feel less lonely? I understand it won't be exactly what you were hoping for, but I wonder if it could help. (We could brainstorm ways to do those things if you'd like.)

i made an account on here today just to ask one question but i saw this crop up and figured i could throw my hat into the ring, as a fellow writer.

i've written a lot of smut, i've read a lot of smut, and i am going to write more smut in the future and today i started a new smut story that i'm filling out as a request for someone else.

i can really empathize with how you feel about ao3, i'm a fairly active ao3 user but i feel the exact same way in regards to some of the content that's allowed on that site. of course, i don't mean to incite any "pro shipper" vs "anti" discourse on here (one thing i've liked in my extremely short time here is how cordial everyone is, and the last thing i want to do is fight) but i really, really do wish there were some sort of regulation for the things you mentioned, though i understand ao3's reasoning for why their site is a free for all. a block button or blacklist of some sort would definitely be useful, at least.

seeing that you're 15, i would probably hold off on posting your smut anywhere, but i get your fear about someone possibly finding it on your devices, i've also had that fear (one time i let my dad use my laptop while some of my work in progress smut was on a tab and i don't think he saw but GOD just thinking about it makes my heart stop in terror). the solution i came up with was to make an alternate google account where i could store all my writing in that was separate from my main account.

i can also deeply empathize with your need to share it because of the social aspect. i know a common refrain from artists and writers online is that you shouldn't worry about clout or interactions and just create for the sake of creation, and it's a nice sentiment but god does it suck when something you worked super hard on gets ignored. i actually stopped writing for a good while because of that. when i came back with a new fic for a new fandom, i was met with a ton of praise and it was like several dopamine shots straight to my brain, and honestly the high i got from that is why i'm still even writing.


however, ao3 does have a feature where you can post works anonymously, and that's how i've published all my smut so far (when you're in the editing feature, you go to the "collections" dropdown and add it to an anonymous collection, and it will publish saying the author is anonymous). if you want, you could try that out maybe?

also, about the sfw fetishes thing---i honestly don't understand how fetishes or kinks can be strictly non-sexual, i can appreciate some of my kinks from an aesthetic perspective but there's still a sexual interest there. isn't the entire point of kink/fetish that it's sexual? rambling, but whatever. i'm assuming that whatever site you're using is twitter, and what i've done is that i made a private account for sexual stuff that i have locked so i can scream into the void and be as weird as i want without people's judgment. i also did this on tumblr by making a completely separate account so it couldn't be traced back to my main account (tumblr has a "side blog" function for this exact purpose, but i thought it was too much of a risk). you also can't make tumblr blogs private as far as i'm aware, which is a huge downside.

one last thought, and that's about your mutual who blocked you for making a vore joke---they probably weren't worth having around anyway. i had an ex-mutual who was like that and he turned out to be a huge bully who said some awful things about a good friend of mine based on nothing besides the fact he has some kind of weird kinks and preferences.

i'm aware this entire post is one giant spitball, but i hope at least that my scattered thoughts might be of some help to you. godspeed soldier

Oh hey, I’d abandoned this thread but it’s nice to see some insight from a fellow writer. I’ve still not quite been able to resolve this with myself, but these thoughts definitely helped. Also seeing the dril(?) tweet as your signature sent me into hysterics, i was absolutrly NOT prepared for that