feeling guilty

[rodya]

Hello,
I have an appointment at a gender clinic tomorrow that I made behind my parents’ back and I feel very nervous. I basically just turned 18 and will be living for my parents for another year. Although I really don’t think that my parents are going to be supportive of my transition, I can’t help feeling guilty or like I’m being a coward for trying to do this in secret. I don’t know what I should do, I’m hoping to postpone coming out for at least a few months in the time it takes for to get hrt and for effects to show up but might it be better for me to just tell them? Thank you for any advice.

[KierC]

Hi there Rodya, and welcome to the boards!

First, I want to reassure you that you are not a coward for protecting yourself during the early stages of your transition — you are taking an important and exciting step for yourself by making an appointment and going today. As you are 18 now, you can absolutely make appointments for yourself and attend them, and you do not need permission. Too, even if you’re not ready to come out to your parents, you can certainly attend the appointment and speak with a provider about your options. It may even help to discuss these concerns with your provider too, as they may be able to help give you specific insight on what your transition can look like, and telling your provider about the situation at home will also inform their care for you.

I hear you, though, that the point of concern is that you are still living with your parents. You mentioned that you think they may not be supportive of your transition — have they given you a sense of their feelings on things like gender identity? Too, do you feel like you can transition safely in your household (even if privately), or is safety a point of concern there too? I want to make sure I understand what you’re experiencing first before I advise.

I’ll also send along this great resource on coming out, for whenever you feel you may want to discuss your transition with anyone: Becoming Out

Another one, too, from our Trans Summer School Series (this whole series is awesome, too): Trans Summer School: Let’s Bust Out of This Closet!

[rodya]

Thank you for the recourses. I should be able to transition safely at home. My parents don’t have very positive views on these kinds of things and even though it’s mostly out of ignorance, I also don’t really see any willingness in them to learn more. On the other hand I have a pretty good relationship with them so I do assume that they’ll come around eventually, I just think it would really strain our relationship. I also don’t want to tell them before I go on hormones because I know they’ll try to stop me. I haven’t been doing very well these past few months and I’m worried they’ll try to say I’m not in a mental state to make that decision or something like that even though I’ve been planning it for years.
Part of me thinks that this is an awful time to do this because my family has a lot going on right now and I just graduated high school, meaning I lost connection to basically everyone else I know.
But I also really don’t want to wait any longer and like I said, I’ve been planning this for a while.

[Sam W]

Hi rodya,

I would absolutely continue with your appointment and your planned timeline for starting gender affirming care. It's very kind of you to be mindful that there are other things going on in your family, but there's also the fact that you're part of that family and your needs matter in it too. I'd also say that, while it's good to be mindful of what else is going on in our life before taking a big step in one area of it, there usually isn't a "perfect" time to take that step because there will always be other things going on.

Have you thought at all about how you'll approach the situation once the effects of the hormones become obvious? It sounds like they're going to do so while you're still living at home, so having a plan for how to address that with your parents is going to be necessary. Too, while I hope it's not the case, you'll also want to have at least some plan for what you'll do if they react so negatively that living at home becomes untenable. If you want to talk through planning any of those pieces, that's something we're happy to help with.

You mention that graduating means losing a lot of your social connections. Do you have any ability to put time and energy into making new ones, including ones with other trans folks or within the local queer community?

[rodya]

I have thought about how to talk to them once the effects show up, but I don’t really have a backup plan for if things go really badly. Right now, I have a friend who’s also trans and knows about my situation but he’s moving to another state soon. I do live in a big city so I should be able to meet more queer people but I’ll admit I’m not very sociable so it does feel very daunting.

[Sam W]

Got it. Would it be helpful to talk about making that safety plan? Like I said, I'm really hoping it ends up not being needed, but having it can take away some of the anxiety attached to coming out, as well as make it so that if things go badly, you're not scrambling to come up with a plan.

Can you keep in contact with that friend even after he moves, just so you have some consistent support and friendship? Too, if you want to talk about some ways to start connecting with the local queer community while not being all that social, I'm happy to brainstorm with you.

[rodya]

I think it would be helpful to have a safety plan. I’ll probably keep in contact with my friend although I sometimes feel uncomfortable talking to him about this stuff because he transitioned so much earlier than me and is now stealth. I’d appreciate any advice on reaching out to other queer people. Right now I plan to try and do so in college but I still have several months before that.

[Sam W]

Okay! So, the "Becoming Out" piece Kier linked you to has a section on safety planning as part of coming out. Looking at that, are there steps Liz (the author) recommends that feel doable to you, or like you know how to start putting them in place?

As far as meeting other queer folks, I think college is a great opportunity to do that. But in the interim, do you have any ability to access in-person queer spaces, like and LGBT center? Or does doing that risk outing you before you're ready?