Scarleteen

Hey guys. 17 year old female here.
Last week I hooked up with my friend for the first time at a party just for fun and in the moment (we both consented and were aware and fairly sober). We’ve been friends for a while and we’ve established before that we’re both sexually active with other people, so there’s no strings attached between us. What we did was only for fun and to experiment. It was really intimate and we didn’t use protection because it just happened out of no where, which we both voiced that we were fine with. I didn’t think it would be a big deal and that we could just stay platonic and kind of move on after.

Tonight he sent me a long message confessing feelings and saying things about how he loves me and that he wants me. I really don’t like commitment, personally I feel like im young and don’t want to be tied down in a relationship right now. He’s a really sweet guy but I don’t want to be with him.

He brought up that when we were together it was special and not just sex. He’s never acted like this before or even said anything that could be interpreted as romantic towards me and it was out of the blue. Him saying that he loves me and wants what we have to be romantic really scared me, and I didn’t say anything back. I don’t want to lead him on or make him think that I have any romantic feelings towards him.
Thoughts?

Hi lulu28843,

I can see how getting that message from him seemingly out of nowhere could be very jarring! Since it sounds like you know you're not interested and don't reciprocate his feelings, would it help to brainstorm how you want to respond and communicate those things to him?

Too, just as health aside, since you didn't use a condom, are you and he up to date on your STI testing?

I am up to date and clean with testing, he has said he is too. We are both active with others but this is my first time in a while (as well as his) without a condom.

I really don’t know how to tell him that I’m only interested in being friends. I initially thought it was the sex that made him feel like he needed to say all this, but has hooked up with other girls in the past few months and doesn’t seem too caught up about them.

I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I don’t see us moving forward in a romantic way any time soon.

Hi lulu28843,

It's good to hear that you both are being safe and understand the risks involved. It's also very admirable that you're taking your time to collect your thoughts and being considerate of his feelings. We have a resource that I think you might benefit from reading: My Best Friend Just Told Me That He Loves Me, But I Don't Even Know If I'm Straight. Help! The title might not sound like your exact situation, but the first part of the article gives an idea of what to expect when approaching a situation like yours.

In my opinion, the most important thing here is clear and direct communication. You can go the route that is mentioned in the article--keep it brief, no need for much explanation. Or, you can say something similar to what you've told us. You want to continue being friends since that reflects how you feel about him. You don't see yourself entering a romantic relationship with him and you assumed that hooking up was just, well, hooking up. Everything you mentioned to us sounds respectful enough to say to him, plus you're just being as honest as you can, which is sufficient enough. As the article mentions, he might not be too happy to hear this and will need some space, which is okay, but it's important to be as candid as possible so nothing is left up in the air. Does that help at all?