Overcoming Body Insecurities: My Struggle with Feeling Unattractive

[evabrown]

Hey everyone, it's hard for me to admit this, but I've been feeling really down about myself lately. I've been struggling with my weight for a while now, and I can't help but feel like it's affecting my confidence and attractiveness. I know that some people might say that "beauty comes in all shapes and sizes," but it's easier said than done to truly believe that when it feels like no guys are interested in me.

I've tried various diets and exercise routines, but nothing seems to work for me. In fact, going to the gym actually makes me feel worse about myself because I feel like everyone is judging me for being overweight. It's a vicious cycle that I just can't seem to break.

If anyone has any advice or tips on how to overcome these feelings of insecurity and unattractiveness, I would really appreciate it. I'm open to any suggestions or recommendations, as long as they don't involve going to the gym.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, eva. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time and feeling so low about yourself, but I'm glad you found us and asked for some help and support.

In the culture we live in -- a culture that is sizeist in large part because of how racist it is, on top of also being capitalist so that diet culture is also a billion-dollar industry -- it's so easy to assume that if we're having troubles finding any sexual or romantic relationships that there must be something wrong with how we look. On top of that, this culture also means that a lot of us learn that what movement -- like going to the gym -- and how we eat is for is so we can try and make our bodies look a certain way. That often locks us out from the good stuff those things can give us when we come to them differently, like looking to food to nourish our bodies and bring us joy, to movement to do what simply feels good in our bodies and helps us feel better in them even when we're not moving.

By all means, so many people have been conditioned to idealize certain cultural beauty standards, and (while I don't know your orientation) that tends to be especially true for heterosexual men and women. It sounds like that's been hitting you hard in a couple of ways.

In reality, especially if and when we want to date people, what our bodies look like often won't be as we expect, and that's true for people who meet or have met current cultural beauty standards and people who haven't or don't.

How might you feel about us talking about what you can do to make some peace with your body for yourself and get some help finding ways to care for it that are in alignment with a more positive self-image? I'm talking about things like some resources and/or discussions that can help you move towards making choices with eating and movement that are centered on your own well-being and yourself rather than on other people?

How about also having some parallel talk about what you're looking for in dating and relationships and how you've been going at that to see if we can't help you troubleshoot it some?

[evabrown]

Thank you for your warm welcome and your thoughtful response. I appreciate your insight and understanding of the societal pressures and conditioning that can contribute to negative body image and self-esteem.

Regarding my aunt's offer for psychological services, I think it's wonderful that she is offering support in that way. Mental health is just as important as physical health, and seeking professional help can be a great step towards healing and growth.

As for the topic at hand, I am definitely open to exploring ways to improve my relationship with my body and to find ways to care for myself that prioritize my own well-being and happiness. It would be helpful to have some resources and discussions to guide me in that process.

Additionally, I would appreciate any advice or insights on how to approach dating and relationships in a way that aligns with my values and goals. It's easy to get caught up in external expectations and pressures, and I would like to find ways to stay true to myself while also being open to new experiences and connections.

Thank you again for your kindness and support.

[Heather]

Glad to give it.

You have just mentioned something here about an aunt offering to...help you find or pay for some therapy? Do I have that right? If so, one big thing you could do is to accept that offer and then seek out a therapist who specializes in or at least is trained to work with body image. Were I doing that, I'd make sure to check in that they are also on board with anti-diet/Health at Every Size frameworks. That last thing anyone struggling like this needs are healthcare providers who are on board with the toxic (and ineffective, regardless) stuff you're looking for help to get away from.

Are you a reader? I could get you started with a few books that I think can help you out, if so. If you're a podcast person, there are also a few good ones for this, too.

Can you fill me in a little on:
• what you already do, if anything, when it comes to movement, eating, and other ways of engaging with your body that are 100% about and for you, rather than for anyone else? Things or ways of going about things that both make you feel physically good, but also good about yourself?
• what dating and relationships have looked for you so far? Some of your history in that way would help me figure out what to start with.

[evabrown]

Glad to give it.

You have just mentioned something here about an aunt offering to...help you find or pay for some therapy? Do I have that right? If so, one big thing you could do is to accept that offer and then seek out a therapist who specializes in or at least is trained to work with body image. Were I doing that, I'd make sure to check in that they are also on board with anti-diet/Health at Every Size frameworks. That last thing anyone struggling like this needs are healthcare providers who are on board with the toxic (and ineffective, regardless) stuff you're looking for help to get away from.

Are you a reader? I could get you started with a few books that I think can help you out, if so. If you're a podcast person, there are also a few good ones for this, too.

Can you fill me in a little on:
• what you already do, if anything, when it comes to movement, eating, and other ways of engaging with your body that are 100% about and for you, rather than for anyone else? Things or ways of going about things that both make you feel physically good, but also good about yourself?
• what dating and relationships have looked for you so far? Some of your history in that way would help me figure out what to start with.

Thank you so much for your helpful message. You are correct that my aunt has offered to help me find or pay for therapy, and I agree that it would be an excellent step to take. I appreciate your suggestion to seek out a therapist who specializes in body image and is knowledgeable about anti-diet/Health at Every Size frameworks. I will definitely keep that in mind when I start my search.

I am definitely a reader and would be grateful for any book recommendations you may have to help me on my journey. As for my current habits, I have tried different approaches to movement and eating, but I struggle to find a balance that works for me. I have ordered weight-loss pills from a website [link removed by moderator] in the past, but I know that is not a sustainable solution. My friends have provided me with some psychological support, but I am open to exploring other options to help me overcome my problems.

Regarding my dating and relationship history, I have struggled with my body image and weight for as long as I can remember, and it has impacted my self-esteem and confidence in relationships. I would be interested in any resources or advice you have on this topic as well.

Thank you again for your guidance, and I look forward to hearing your book recommendations.

[Heather]

Glad to help.

So, I think the following would be good for you:
• Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison
• What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon
• The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor
• my friend Rebecca Scritchfield's book Body Kindness
• if you want to dig deep, deep: Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia by
Sabrina Strings
• and this article right here on the site: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... eteen_doit

One thing you may also want to know, and that I am hoping might help you break up with weight loss pills and other kinds of dieting, is that every time we do that stuff, we make it harder for our bodies, very much including our metabolic systems. So, even if your goal -- however I or you might feel about it -- was to try and have a smaller body, all that stuff very rarely results in that and can often result in the opposite long-term. And when that happens, even if your body might be the size it would have been without dieting, the long-term impacts of dieting can make having a fat or larger body less healthy or create dangers, when without dieting, and with that same size body, that wouldn't be the case.

So, if nothing else, if you can just take a first step to break up with dieting -- and for real, so getting rid of any scales, any pills, diet foods, etc. -- you'll be doing your emotional well-being a big favor, but also your body and long-term health. <3