Scarleteen

I find that whenever I have crushes on people I play the idea of them far too much. A few months ago I DM'd this guy I had a crush on in high school. Over time the conversation fizzled out and he stopped responding and did not seem interested. I felt an intense sense of limerance and had thought about him for several years after high school (I just graduated college), we did not talk nor were we friends in high nor post college. I think almost everyone I was attracted to after him was associated with him in some way, whether they were friends or a friend of a friend.

I messaged him again a few months later with something flirty and silly and instantly regretted it, I didn't really like him but only really liked the possibility of him being interested in me and "choosing me". I feel like for many years it was like he "lived in my head". I found my interests in some ways revolved around whether he would think of me positively if he knew I liked said thing. I ended up blocking him because I felt intense anxiety and sickness from the possibility of him responding. But I keep thinking about the fact that I blocked him and just feel an intense sadness about it (I'll miss his posts lol). I also felt like my blocking him came off as being angry that he didn't respond and made me seem insecure and entitled. I don't know why the situation bothers me so much, I think it's the possibility that now I really do have to get over him and confront the fact that he is not interested and that nothing really will happen. I also think it's because I kept fixating on this idea that he'd be into me once I finally start posting online and had a "glow up". I valued being valued by this person for so many years that when the illusion finally dropped I just feel really hopeless. My friend told me that I'm not valuing myself and that I don't have to keep thinking I need to beg people to try to be attracted to me and love me. I know that that's true but I feel like the emotional part of myself really does believe that the only way for someone to be into me is by me initiating and taking charge of the situation, or that my attraction to people will only ever be a one-sided thing.

I think my world just feels very small (why are the only people that I am attracted to associated with this one person) and I feel a lot of shame for being too into him without there being any solid relationship or friendship of any kind. I do not feel comfortable reaching out as I don't have his contact information and I strongly believe he is not interested in being friends. How can I stop focusing so much on this situation and move on? I feel so embarrassed that this feels like I break up, it honestly exacerbated other emotions I have about the direction of my life and is making me feel miserable and unmotivated about everything.

Hi tinybigegg,

You know, nothing you're describing here is really something to be ashamed of. You're far from the first person to build up a crush to such an intense level. Idolizing and idealizing people in our heads is actually pretty easy to do and, as you've found out, that can mean building them up to a point where they're at the center of a lot of your fantasies and hopes.

Since you mention this feeling like a break-up, why not treat it like one in terms of how you take care of yourself? Yes, break-ups from relationships we actually had involve grieving the loss of the parts of that relationship you liked, but there's also a component of grieving what you'd hoped for or thought you could have that's also happening for you in this situation. If you need help with some starting points, I really like this article: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

Too, I want to hone in on those feelings about your "glow up." It sounds like--even if it wasn't the main or sole motivator--some of what was driving it was the hope that this guy would be interested in your once it happened. Since you know that's now off the table, a helpful question to ask yourself is: what, if any, other changes do I want for myself in the next few years? What things do I want to do, or explore, as part of continuing to be a version if myself that I like?