Scarleteen

Okay, I'll try to make this as short as possible.

My brother's ex girlfriend (we'll call her S) has a daughter from a previous relationship, and she is 13 and in 8th grade (we'll call her daughter C). Our family is still really close with S and her daughter C because they were a part of our family for quite a long time. I've watched C grow up from the age of 4 to the beautiful young lady that she is now.

Around Thanksgiving this past year, S found out that there was something going on with C while she's at school, because C had become increasingly withdrawn and moody. However, S and C don't have the best relationship with each other, so any attempt S makes to try and talk to her daughter about what's going on is met with much melodrama in which C screams at her that she needs to just leave her alone because "it's none of her business what she's doing." C resents that her mother is so "nosy" and asks her questions all the time, she resents that her mom checks her phone and her room and what's in her backpack. I think it's because S pushes so hard to know what is going on that C pulls back from her more and more.

Regardless, it's recently been revealed that what is troubling C is that she is being sexually harassed by a boy at school who is also in her grade. S told me that she's seen C deleting text messages from her phone before she can read them, but she did manage to catch some before they were removed. Some boy is texting C that he wants her to give him a blowjob, and other sexually suggestive things. Just today at school, he apparently sent C something so graphic that she couldn't keep quiet about it anymore, so she went to the school's principal to tell them.

But when the principal called in S and shared with her the details, and S decided to file a police report, C went completely ballistic and was screaming at her mom. It seems she's mostly mad that her mom is now involved in it and that her mom has decided to involve the police. So now, C has completely shut down and refuses to talk to anyone. She specifically stated she wants her mom to leave her alone, so S turned to me and asked me if I could try to talk to C and help her through this. But she is still closed off regardless, and I'm heartbroken, at a complete loss as to how to help her.

My question is, does anyone know of how I can help this girl open up about what she's going through? I know it's not ideal to force someone to talk about anything they don't want to, and I know that that kind of action will only serve to close this girl off even more, so I'm not trying to force her to share anything she doesn't want to. But I am also aware that this is something she needs to open up about, and I don't want it to have to take something serious like this boy actually physically assaulting her for her to reach the point where she's ready to talk. I just need her to know she can trust me, I want to create a safe environment for her so she doesn't feel like this is something she needs to suffer through. Does anyone have any advice at all? I'd very much appreciate anything that anyone could spare.

Hello, jadejuturna. Welcome to Scarleteen and sorry your post got lost in the crowd.

You are right that pushing someone to talk about something that may be upsetting and painful is not the right thing to do, as well as pushing them to take action against someone who is hurting or threatening them. I know that sometimes it may feel so hard and hopeless to not be able to actively do something.

People who have been abused usually feel like they have been taken their choices away, and so it could be with people who is going through harassment or are bullied. Feeling like they have not control is not something nice so that's why helping them to feel empowered again is very important.

If you ask me, the only thing I can advice is to talk to her and let her know that she is not alone and that there are things that she CAN do to protect herself. Telling her that is her choice and that she is the only one who can decide the next step might be something that helps her to feel good, safe and empowered. I know that giving her time and space could be hard if you see her going through a hard moment but might be the only thing you -- or anyone -- can do. At the end, if she doesn't want/feel like she can talk, nobody can force her.

Because she is a minor there are things that obviously are not going to be under her total control. If she is in real danger and any adults have been notified of this is very possible that they are (because they should) going to take action. But again, helping her to feel empowered might be very helpful.

Too, I assume that you like C and enjoy spending time with her? If so, maybe try focusing on building and nurturing your overall relationship with her, entirely separately from this issue. If she feels like people are just trying to talk to her about this and not much else, and she doesn't want to talk about it, it's just not likely to go well. Instead, just show that you like her, value her, her company and contributions, and demonstrate by your overall actions that you're a friend to her and someone she can trust and rely on if and when she chooses to. What does she like to talk about with you, what things is she interested in? Those are the things to talk about. Whatever's wrong, and whyever she's currently so closed off about it, it makes it even more important to enable some other less loaded channels of communication to stay open, so that she doesn't feel or become more isolated.

Be real with her: take your whole self into interactions with her, don't just be someone who's worried about her and wanting to take care of her. Openness in a relationship goes both ways, so one big way of creating it is to offer some to her. Obviously, you'll want to be age-appropriate, given the age difference between you - it wouldn't be right or helpful to burden her with big, big stuff. But maybe on a more everyday level, things you're proud of, things you hope to achieve, times you were imperfect and disappointed in yourself or a bit embarrassed, etc. Do you have any personal experience of harrassment, bullying, or inappropriate behaviour? It needs some thought specific to the situation - and again, considering appropriateness for the amount of detail shared - but sometimes sharing a part of an experience like that can help. Don't expect any immediate return of sharing, and don't assume that whatever she's experiencing is in any way similar; it's simply that hearing something from another person can help someone feel less alone, and again, it's a demonstration of your trust in her and that she's someone who matters to you.

Make sure that there's some privacy from her mother in her relationship with you. It sounds like she wants some space from her mother, so make sure the things you and C talk about stay between the two of you, even if they seem quite inconsequential, and you're not accidentally "reporting back" to her mother. Obviously, if you find out anything that needs to go further in order to protect C's well-being, then it needs to go further, but do put C in the driving seat for that: explain gently that it does need to go further, because otherwise you'd be doing wrong by her and you can't do that because you love her, and give her the choice of who to take the information to, and who tells her mother and how.