Scarleteen

I am writing this to get my feelings out and ask if any others feel the same.

I am nonbinary and assigned female at birth. I have awful gender dysphoria about my agab (assigned gender at birth). If I had a choice of how my body looked when I was born, I would've rather chosen female than male because penises disgust me more than vulvas, though both gross me out (more on that later). However, I would've chosen to be raised as male rather than female because I connect with the male gender more. Weird, right? This is a big reason why I am a firm believer of sex and gender, though being related, are seperate.
Does anyone else feel like they would rather have a different set of genitals than what they would rather be raised as?

Onto my next point: it appears to me that before realising they are trans, many people feel as though they "want to be" a gender besides the one they were assigned. For me it is kind of the opposite.
I am nonbinary. But when I think of the gender of female, it seems so glorious and magneficent. It feels so greater than the vague gender that I am. I want to be a part of the beauty of being a girl. It fills me with yearning to see someone being proud of their womanhood. So basically, I want to be a girl. But the idea of me being a girl fills me with an awful dread. It's scary imagining myself as a girl.
I've always felt ostracized and "other" from the world due to my autism and other factors, which may be an explanantion for this feeling of mine. The problem with this possibility is that it would mean I am not nonbinary and am actually a girl, and as I've stated before, the idea of me being a girl brings me an immense amount of anxiety and makes me want to shrivel up and die. See my issue?

This type of disconnection I feel is present throughout other things, too.
Imagining myself in sexual situations or even just kissing someone makes me very uncomfortable. As of now, I would never let anyone put anything inside of me and I would never put my face near someone's crotch because it sounds so repulsive. The only way I would interact with someone sexually is maybe using my hands to stimulate the other person, but I have no desire to have sex.
The idea of other people having sex, though, is arousing to me. I never watch pornography, I only imagine it in my head and sometimes read erotic literature because then I could imagine the people to not have human genitals, because once again I am grossed out by real human genitals. So to sum all that up: I like the idea of sex, but not when I'm in it.

I can comprehend a gender in my mindscape that is neither man nor woman, but it does not get more specific than that. When I try to picture my gender, I can imaginine nothing else other than an amorphous, colorlous, blob just out of reach. I can understand it when someone says they are catgender or stargender or whathaveyou, because I just imagine that amorphous blob being replaced with a cat or star.
This also has a possibility of being related to my low self esteem that makes me feel not "honorable" enough to fit in a community or category.
Does anyone else picture their gender as a object in their mind but out of their reach?

Now onto the thing I have mentioned before: I am GROSSED. OUT. by private parts. I DO NOT WANT A VULVA ANYMORE but I also DO NOT WANT A PENIS EITHER. Are there surgeries that can renove a vagina that don't replace it with a penis? I'd rather have a vulva than a penis but I am still not comfortable with mine. I have never used a tampon because I don't even wanna touch down there. I have heard of people being repulsed by their genitals because of dysphoria, people being repulsed of the opposite sex's genitals because they are gay or a lesbian, and even people dysphoric for not having both sets of genitals, but I have never heard of someone being repulsed by both vulvas and penises.
Can anybody else relate to this?

I am also repulsed by nipples, male and female. I have also not heard of anyone being grossed out by nipples. I want top surgery that will get rid of my chest (I get dysphoric when calling my chest either b word) and I also know that in some top surgerious involve removing the nipples. I would like this but I am worried that it would look strange to other people. Ideally, no one in the world would have nipples, which I know is impossible and utterly ridiculous. Pun intended.
Can anyone else relate to this?

I know this was alot of text. Thank you for reading. Please feel free to reply if you have similiar feelings

Hi throwaway825901,

Thank you for reaching out and being so vulnerable with us! I want to assure you that everyone's experience and journey with gender is different. I'm a cisgender woman, so I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I'm happy to discuss this with you to the best of my ability!

First, in my opinion, a good chunk of what "being a woman" is, is performance. You can absolutely explore some feminity if you feel like it! If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then don't force it onto yourself. From what you're describing, it's important to be patient with yourself and explore your identity in the safest way possible.

Next, what you said about liking the idea of sex but not actually doing it, is quite normal! I know some people who are like this--they masturbate, read erotic literature, etc., but don't enjoy having sex themselves or want to have sex at all. Have you experienced any sort of judgment for this? I know there is a lot of pressure to conform to hook-up culture and all that. What do you think?

Unfortunately, I'm unable to relate to your last three paragraphs or know anyone personally with the same experiences; however, I have seen people (whether it be online or irl) with the same experiences. They exist, I promise! Also, I do know someone who got top surgery and their nipples removed. This could be something to consider if it'll make you feel comfortable and euphoric.

I hope my response resonated with you in any way!