Scarleteen

For context, I'm 31M in a heterosexual relationship. I realize Scarleteen's policies make it clear that they do not handle issues as a result of ageing, but given the circumstances I do not believe that to be relevant to the post.

I was single for a very long time, and "basically" a virgin up until the last 6 months or so. I had a relationship when I was 16, but I wouldn't call my singular, sad attempt at sex losing my virginity. Of note during that attempt (which lasted all of 30 seconds, switching into a few different positions) I did not have an orgasm.

So fast forward 15 years, and I'm finally in a new relationship. In fact, I'm in what I hope to be my final relationship. We're moving in together soon. We're planning marriage. I've never been happier, never felt this way about a person before, and I love her more than I'll ever be able to properly express to her.

We got sexual pretty early. she knew I hadn't had a relationship and it didn't bother her. When it started, I was having trouble getting erect, and this caused some major confidence issues (for the both of us; not only did it upset her, it started a vicious cycle for me). After several attempts, and discussions about abstaining for a while, etc. I resolved to stop masturbating. Naturally we attributed it to Death Grip. I saw slight improvements. I got a prescription for Viagra, which created a lot of pressure, so I switched to Cialis. Both make it more difficult to ejaculate, so I eventually weaned myself off of those.

So now...I don't require medication. I can almost consistently maintain my erection. But I can't come. I can come from a lot of effort with a blowjob, and I can come with equal effort from a handjob, but sex is a real crapshoot and most of the time I just can't finish. Sometimes I can, most times I can't. Notably, I got a vasectomy about 4 months ago, and due to my issues (irresponsibly, hence the name) we did not and now have no need to use condoms. We're exclusive and tested.

It's been 5 months and apart from a few early transgressions, I haven't masturbated at all. I rely exclusively on her to get off, and it's actually been a hot minute since I have. But I've still been unsuccessful. I'm simply not sure what to do. For a while I was working on my kegels, and I saw some improvement there, but I feel like that can't be the answer.

I need some advice here, because while she tells me she enjoys the sex (and she has little trouble getting off), and I enjoy the sex in spite of not finishing, she worries that I don't enjoy it—or don't have good sex to compare it to—and it frankly makes both of us feel like failures. Which just exacerbates the issue. I don't know what to do, because she has no reason to be worried, but she's also never had this problem with any other partner so I can't blame her for it even though there's no truth in it.

Hey ImpotentIdeals -- welcome to the boards! It sounds like this has been really bothering you. Though this might not be the kind of advice you're expecting, I'm wondering if a change in perspective might help both you and your girlfriend.

You seem have a very specific idea of what sex is, and it seems to be exclusively defined as vaginal sex that ends with orgasm. I want to remind you that the act of sex is simply expressing your sexuality in the pursuit of desire, curiosity or satisfaction/pleasure. "Sex" is not just one specific act nor does it have a defined conclusion. If you want to continue to tease that out and get a little existential, I recommend you read this resource. I bring this up because I noticed you said you can't have an orgasm during sex, and then in the next sentence describe a few ways you actually can. So, what is sex to you? Are these other experiences not sex? If not, why? It might also be a good idea to chat through the same questions with your girlfriend for an additional perspective.

I don't think what you're experiencing is all that abnormal, actually. No two bodies are the same, and that extends to what feels good or works for us sexually. To me it makes a lot of sense that some people have an easier time having an orgasm with a blowjob or handjob or masturbation, much like how someone with a vagina might have an easier time reaching orgasm with oral sex. What is influencing you to feel like this is a problem? Is there a way you feel like you're supposed to come?

I also want to mention here that, at the end of the day, our biggest and most influential sexual organ is our brain. I'm hearing a lot of anxiety throughout all the experiences you described - everything from the issue getting an erection early on and the problems you're experiencing now. I'm seeing a lot negative self-talk, anxiety, and shame here. You said yourself that it makes you both feel like failures and you think it exacerbates the issue. I'm sure you're even thinking about these difficulties while you're trying to have sex. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and viewing yourself as abnormal, which I think is making this a lot harder. Can you also see that?

When you initially asked your question, it sounded like you were looking for tangible, "how to" solutions for what you're experiencing. Though I think it will help you a lot to understand the way anxiety is at play here and deconstructing what "sex" is/could be in your relationship, I think the next best thing you can do is embrace what you're working with. Could you incorporate blowjobs or handjobs into your sex life in a more intentional way, knowing that works for you? Could you also bring masturbation in the mix in a way that feels more empowering, maybe with mutual masturbation or verbal encouragement from your girlfriend? Are there new fantasies or interests to indulge here?

Hope this helps! <3