on the fence

[Gluggaveður]

I'm debating on whether or not to come out to my family as genderfluid. Like seriously debating back and forth between a couple of screaming lawyers in my head. To be clear, I'm in a safe atmosphere. My parents are fairly supportive and my siblings will back me up no matter what. I have a slideshow prepped and everything, but I'm debating on when and whether to send it.

On the one hand, if I come out, I won't have to hide my binder anymore. I'm planning on introducing myself at my new school as my preferred name (which is a shortened version of my given name so I can pass it off as a nickname), so if I come out, then my parents won't be confused as to why my teachers call me the nickname. I already suggested to my father that I might use a nickname next year, so if I tell him it's actually my preferred name, he might be less opposed to it. I still accept my given name and she/her pronouns are still okay, so probably things wouldn't change too much. I could dress how I want without my immediate family complaining that I'm not feminine enough. When I'm old enough and have enough money for top surgery, I'll have someone who can take care of me for a few weeks while I'm recovering. All in all, there are advantages to coming out.

On the other hand... they'll look at me like I'm a different person. They'll tiptoe around me and I'll see it in their faces and I can't stand feeling fragile. I've had enough of people walking on eggshells around me. I'm sick of it. Plus, I have no clue how my extended family feels about LGBTQ+ issues besides one instance of one grandmother saying "Oh, I knew a gay girl once, she was nice". A few of my relatives think of me as a tomboyish girl and they still disapprove. I've no idea how they'd react to the knowledge that I'm not actually a girl at all.

Overall, I'm just really tired and confused and stuck. I almost hope my family might stumble across my binder or one of my online profiles so I could just get it over with. Maybe I should hire a flash mob to come out for me, haha. Or maybe I could just never tell them, move out at eighteen and just separate my family from my day to day life, live a lie for them. I don't know. That's probably not healthy. If anyone has any advice for me, then please help.

[Sam W]

Hi Gluggaveður,

Oof, I have had the "two viewpoints screaming at each other in my head" experience and it can be so exhausting and stressful.

From what you're describing here, it does sound like there are a lot of elements pointing towards the "come out" side of things. But I want to dig into one thing you mentioned that sounds like it's playing a big role in the "cons" section of coming out. You say that coming out will cause your family to tiptoe around you or treat you as fragile. Where would you say that conclusion is coming from? Is it based on how they've reacted to you coming out as other things in the past? How they reacted to someone else coming out? How they react to big changes in general? Something else?

[Gluggaveður]

A couple years ago I told my mom that I liked girls, before I started really questioning my gender. She seemed alright with it, although she didn't understand many LGBTQ+ issues, and told my dad (with my permission). The next day my dad sat me down and explained the Kinsey scale. They're both pretty okay with the thought of me being a lesbian, but they (specifically my dad) think I'm too young to be sure. For the following few weeks they seemed to be very careful with how they were talking to me, until it seemed clear that I didn't want to confront them or talk about it very much.

Last November I was hospitalised for mental health reasons. I did not attempt suicide but I was very close to doing so. My parents had no idea how I was feeling, which isn't their fault. I did a lot of masking. But it was because they had had no idea that they began to speak to me more gently than they had before. They treated me like I might break at any moment. And I hated it. I felt so bad about it, and that added on to some pretty dark thoughts that I've since been working on.

The worst part about coming out, about my sexuality and my mental health, was how they looked at me like they didn't know me as well as they thought they did. I've had that feeling before and it sucks, and I don't want to make them feel like they don't know me when I'm exactly the same person as I was before, just with a new wardrobe and an expanded vocabulary.

[Nicole]

Hey Gluggaveður,

I hear you. From what you're describing, it seems like your parents really care about you. I think that they don't want to cause any harm so that's why they react this particular way. In general, I think parents, for the most part, should come to terms with the fact that they will never fully understand their children. I mean, we don't know every little thing about our parents, right?

I think it's really important to go into this with clear and direct communication. Do you have an idea of how you will approach coming out to your parents and/or those around you (if you end up doing so)? What are you thinking? I don't know if you want to do something similar or different than you've done before, plus we can help you brainstorm some ideas. Again, this is only if you feel comfortable doing so. For now, I think that a lot of what you told us would be essential to mention because it could ease your worries regarding how those around you will treat you post-coming out. Even just "I'm exactly the same person as I was before, just with a new wardrobe and an expanded vocabulary" could help a lot.

[Gluggaveður]

Thanks for clearing that up. I know they care about me. I care about them a lot and I don't want to confuse or distress them, but you're right. They'll never understand everything about me. Maybe if I come out to them, then they'll come to terms with this sooner? I'm the eldest kid in my family and I don't want my siblings to have to feel so trapped if they don't have to be.

If/when I do come out, I've thought of making a silly little slideshow explaining everything and sort of lightening the mood so they don't think it's such a big deal. I haven't finished it yet, though, so I can add some of this on. I'll let them know they can ask whatever they want to ask, but I'm not sure if they'll tell my extended family. My mom said they'll love me how I am, but some of them are cold to me based on my having short hair because I don't look feminine enough for them. I know my parents probably want to stick up for me no matter what, but I don't want either of them to be disowned.

[Nicole]

I completely understand that eldest sibling mentality. It's very selfless and commendable, but at the same time, I wouldn't let that push you to come out when you're not mentally prepared. Do you know what I mean?

I think the slideshow idea is great! You're right, I think it'll definitely make things more lighthearted. If you feel uncomfortable with your parents telling your extended family about your identity, please communicate this! Your parents may not pick up on your extended family's disapproval of your appearance since your parents aren't in your position. I think it's important to express your concerns to them, just so they understand the severity of it. Also, being disowned is quite serious, is it likely that this could happen?

[Gluggaveður]

I get what you mean about the eldest sibling mentality. I've been working on understanding that I can't control how others feel or what they do.

My parents know that certain relatives don't like my haircut very much, but enough relatives think it's cute that my parents don't think it's too big a deal. About being disowned: I don't think it's that likely? But I really have no idea. I doubt they'd actually disown us, I tend to worry about completely random and unlikely things, but many of my relatives don't actually know me that well. I'd say the odds are probably around 70:30 in favour of not disowning me, haha, but I'm not sure.

[Sam W]

From the sound of it, it almost seems like the anxiety you experience tends to latch on to random things, and that lately it's latched onto the idea your parents might face consequences for supporting you or defending you to family (which isn't a ridiculous thing to worry about, even though it sounds like it's very unlikely "disowned" will be one of the consequences).

I wonder, in the slideshow or another conversation, what if you talked with them about those fears, or about how you want to handle disapproval from extended family more generally? I say that because not only could it help you feel less anxious int he long run, but something I recommend to parents when their kid comes out is to talk with them about how they, the kid, want to navigate coming out or being out to extended family.

[Gluggaveður]

Okay, I can do that. Thank you guys so much for your responses, this was really helpful.

[Sam W]

You're so welcome, and I'm glad it was helpful!