Self-doubt and self-criticism

[Gluggaveður]

I am genderfluid. Or so I think.

But sometimes I feel so confused and lost. When I feel masculine, I wonder if I'm transgender. Sometimes I'm so dysphoric it hurts and other times I feel fine enough that I can barely remember the pain. I do feel feminine on occasion and when I do I feel like a liar. I feel like I might be faking it for the attention, even though I consciously know I wouldn't do that. I think.

I've had a lot of experience with mental illness and it's really hard for me to trust myself. I can't believe my thoughts or my feelings. I don't know if anything I feel is real or if it's just self-deception for the sake of an explanation. I keep trying to find explanations for everything I feel, whether it be dysphoria or depression, but I never know if it's true or if I'm desperately grasping at straws, trying to believe anything but the fact that I'm just a nonsense protein.

So anyway. Does anyone else with a more fluid gender doubt themselves like all the time? If anybody's experienced this, please let me know.

[Carly]

Hey Gluggaveður -- I want to call out first that I'm not genderfluid; it sounds like you're hoping to specifically hear from others who claim that identity. Something I do have some experience with however is experiencing mental illness and wondering if I can trust my perspective. It sounds like you are very similar to me in that, because I struggle with confidence in my perspective, I try to explain what I feel in order make my feelings feel more real or undeniable. I know how exhausting and confusing this can be, I'm sorry you're stuck in a loop on this.

Would it be possible for you approach whether or not you're genderfluid with some, well... fluidity? There are many people who identify as something particular at one point in their life and something completely different later on. People grow and change every day. It sounds like you're feeling some pressure to put a fine point on this right now - do you agree? Can you explain why it feels really important to do?

[Gluggaveður]

Thanks for your reply, Carly. I'm not quite wondering about my gender, as I'm pretty sure about being genderfluid since I've undergone all of the symptoms (I'm not sure how to word this better, I know it sounds like an illness the way I've said it and I know it is not and I didn't mean for it to sound like that). It's hard for me to not want a label for everything. It's like I just need to know everything all the time, including myself. I was wondering more about the gender doubt in regard to people with a similar gender identity to mine. However, I do appreciate knowing I'm not alone in my self-doubt in other regards. I hope you get out of the loop and feel better soon.

[Bigman]

Hey Gluggaveður. I identify as genderfluid and can share my experience with you.

In the past I used to have serious doubts about my gender identity. There was this nagging feeling that I had to choose between being masculine or feminine despite feeling both and neither all at the same time. Also, because I felt both genders within me, non-binary didn't really fit either. To make it even more complicated, while I was assigned male at birth, I didn't identify as a woman so I thought I wasn't trans.

In my journey to find my gender identity I discovered that I am both genderfluid and trans. Sometimes I feel and like to show up femme while sometimes it's masc. At other times I feel both, and most often it's all of it all at once. And, I'm basically trans because my gender identity is different from the gender they thought I was when I was born. Does this resonate with you at all?

Most of all, for me, it's been very freeing to know that I'm trans enough, that I can show up as me whenever I want to, and that it's okay to change my expression the next day, or 5 years from now, or even in an hour depending on what I'm feeling at the time--to be fluid in my gender.

I hope this helps even a little bit!