I crossed a boundarie accidentally and am struggling with my mental health due to it

[ow2kdg]

During summer last year me and my girlfriend were having sex, due to our height difference sometimes we have to adjust ect. At one point during sex my girlfriend says for me to wait a second but i genuinely for some reason didn’t register or take it in properly but still replied “i’m about to cum” and she didn’t say anything after. After this we were fine for a while and she didn’t mention anything till about a day a later i prefusiely apologized and when she asked why i didn’t stop i said because i didn’t hear here which I genuinely didn’t but then she asked why i said what i did and then she told me that i said I genuinely didn’t process what she said properly. After that i had a huge panic attack but i had to go home for summer and didn’t see her for about a month which when she saw me she broke up with me and after three days we ended up re igniting things. Since then everything has been amazing and we’ve been together for going on a 2 years and she said she knows it was a mistake but also said she doesn’t know what else it would besides sexual assault. I genuinely didn’t mean to violate her boundaries and since then have really tried my best to be better with playing closer attention to what’s being said during sex. But i cannot shake this overwhelming guilt the past month it’s really bothered me i’ve barely been eating and been dealing with serious depressive thoughts. Everywhere on reddit says these kind of things aren’t accidents and i’m a rapist but i didn’t mean to violate her boundaries and i’m struggling to deal with this. I know it’s not for me to get upset at it’s her boundaries i crossed but i’m really struggling. Do these mess up’s happen sometimes or am i just a bad partner , the idea of how she must’ve felt has made me feel sick. I love her more than anyone else and cannot imagine a more perfect partner. Should i talk to her more about it or is it selfish of me to re surface that situation for her ?

[Sam W]

Hi ow2kdg,

You know, one of the (many) frustrating things about people trying to use "grey areas" or "it was just a miscommunication" to dismiss instances of sexual assault is that it ends up erasing the fact that there can, in fact, be miscommunications, misunderstandings, or plain old mistakes that happen during consensual sex between people who care about each other. Just like how there can be moments when we hurt a partners feelings or cross a non-sexual boundary without intending to.

What you're describing doesn't sound like assault; it sounds like you misheard/didn't quite hear your partner when she said something and ended up not waiting when she needed you to. It also sounds like you took what happened as a cue to be even more careful in listening during sex. That's very, very different from someone making the choice to push or ignore a boundary that they know is there because they view their own desire and power as more important than the other persons consent. Do you kind of see what I'm getting at there?

[ow2kdg]

Hey Sam ,
I do understand but all the things i’m seeing online is making me second guessing myself i guess. I appreciate your advice is there anything else i could do to be a better partner? , this event happened about 8 months ago now and our sexual relationship is better than ever. Idk why recently this has been bothering me sm more. I genuinely love and care for her and i feel this overwhelming guilt for what happened. I hate to think she see me as a person that would do something like that and disregard her feelings. Is this kind of incident common ish i guess ? she’s my first sexual partner and i’m trying my best as caring as possible to her after it.

[Sam W]

You know, the online world is great for many things, but it's also really, really good at stripping away any nuance that exists in situations. In the case of things like this, I know why it happens--rape culture loves to wave away assault as a 'mistake'--but it still bothers me because it means it's harder to have honest conversations about what to do if we genuinely mess up during sex. Too, as someone who's done this work for ten years and has worked as a rape crisis advocate, it's odd to see people presenting something like your situation in the same camp as assaults. Because, from talking with people about sex a LOT, and just what we know about human behavior, situations like yours are probably more common than gets acknowledged.

As for how to be a better partner, I think that's a question for her rather than me. It sounds like you two have a very positive sex life, and like you do a good job of communicating overall. So you could have a check-in about how each of you are seeing your sexual interactions and if there are any things you'd like each other to do. If it would be helpful, we can certainly give you some resources to help out with that conversation.

[ow2kdg]

Dear Sam,
Thank you for the reply , yes i think reading online has made it worse if anything. I’ve just had hard time now almost gas lighting myself in terms of maybe i did just subconsciously neglect her boundaries or whether it was genuinely me just not paying full attention to what was being said in the moment. I believe i wouldn’t feel the guilt and self loathing if it was a purposeful act as i feel people who genuinely commit acts of SA don’t rarely show that.
I talked to my parents briefly about it as they noticed my mental health declining recently and my parents said these things happen and sometimes you get caught in the moment and are not paying full attention to what’s being said. I understand now i need to be more mindful and attentive during sex but i guess the whole point of this post was to get my own mental closure on the incident from a professional and outside perspective. So to clarify these incidents while not good are normal and it’s how we react as partners and make improvements that can help differentiate to our SO that is was a one time mistake compared to a pattern of abuse.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!

Yes, I would say how someone reacts to unintentionally upsetting or hurting a partner is a big differentiator when we're talking about things like abuse or assault. Too, the details of a situation do matter; there's a difference between not hearing or not understanding what a partner says (even though in those moments the best call is to pause and check-in so can clarify what's going on) and hearing/understanding and making the choice to go against their boundaries anyway.

One thing I meant to mention earlier is that, if you do decide you want to talk with her about this again, I'd think about what you're hoping will come of that conversation. If it's more about checking in to make sure she's feeling like her boundaries are being respected (which could also be part of a bigger check-in about sex between the two of you in case either of you has things you want to change or talk about), there could be some merit to having it.

But if it's more about hoping she'll say something to assuage how you're feeling, then bringing it back up may not end up being productive and might make her feel like she's stuck reassuring you. Too, it may still be that she defines what happened differently than what we talked about here, and she's the boss of how she defines and feels about it.

[ow2kdg]

Hey Sam ,
Thank you for or your help and opinion on the situation it has helped me understand it a bit more what to think of the situation.
I don’t think i’ll mention anything in just worried cause i’m not 100% sure if you she truly knows what was going on in my mind with it all in terms of not processing what she said / not full taking in what was being said but rather she thinks i intentionally just violated her boundaries as after the initial event we had a brief convo about it but due to my anxiety disorder I was internally freaking out and probably not making sense. I understand it for her to decide how what she thinks it, it just destroys me inside to think she possibly views me as that way , I suppose she wouldn’t be with me 8 months later if genuinely thought i intentionally violated her but i am also aware people stay with there abusers in certain cases.

[Sam W]

I do think it's sound to recognize that your anxiety disorder was/is probably contributing to how you're feeling; sometimes just knowing that's at play can make it easier for us to evaluate a situation.

As far as your relationship goes, if she seems safe, comfortable, and happy when the two of you are together (both sexually and the rest of the time), then there's no reason to assume that's not how she feels about your relationship and you. Too, at a certain point the best option is to continue being a respectful, communicative partner so that if she does have concerns or things she wants to change, she feels safe bringing them to you and talking with you about them.

[ow2kdg]

Ok, I appreciate your time and patience with me Sam ! some of your other responses on other posts were also very useful !

[Sam W]

I'm glad chatting with me here and looking at other posts on the boards was helpful!

[ow2kdg]

Hey sam,
Sorry be on this board again but my anxiety is really bad still. I’m worried that due to my anxiety in the moment i didn’t make it clear that i genuinely didn’t intentionally cross her boundaries and disregard her consent but i also don’t want to bring it up now because it may come across as me trying to make stuff up? . I’m so anxious about this all of a sudden i feel like a piece of shit but and feel genuinely like i violated her but i genuinely just wasn’t paying enoigh attention to what was being said but ik that’s not good enough. It’s got to the point where i’ll think about it during sex and struggle to continue because of it.

[Sam W]

Hi again!

If it's hitting the point that it's getting to you when you're being sexual together, then I think you might be at a point where talking about it could have some benefits, if only because there's a good chance she might be noticing an uptick in how anxious you are. Would it be helpful to use this space to figure out how to talk about all this with her?

[ow2kdg]

Yes if that’s ok. My main worry is that if i’m re talking to her about it explaining what happened from my perspective that’ll she’ll interpret it as gaslighting or some form of manipulation if she views it as me purposely crossing that boundary. I’m aware it’s for her to make up her mind what it is but if she decides it is SA i genuinely don’t know how i will cope. I love her so much she’s my first partner and honestly i couldn’t ask for a more caring and amazing partner and i would never want to intentionally hurt or take advantage of her sexually. My perception of the whole incident in that moment is that all parties were consenting but she had withdrew that and i didn’t register it and wasn’t paying enoigj attention to what was actually said.

[Sam W]

Okay, so, I think a starting place would be to ask to talk with her about this at a time where you have privacy and time for a bigger conversation. It could help to frame why you're bringing it up again by explaining it to her the way you've explained it here. If you think it would be helpful, you could even show this thread to her, since you've already written out your thoughts and your reasoning. How does all that sound?

[ow2kdg]

Yes I think i’ll try do it at some point where we have a whole to talk, with the summer approaching and is going in to are third year of uni we’ve decided this summer we’re going to live together for about 2 months at her house w her family. In slightly anxious about it as she has recently voiced about me putting quite a lot of pressure on her with my anxiety in general as when i’m usually suffering w anxiety attacks i do talk to her about it. I’m trying not to violate that boundaries emotionally as well.

[Sam W]

I'm glad she's comfortable voicing that boundary/concern with you! Since it sounds like your anxiety is getting to a point where it's hard to deal with, are you currently getting any kind of treatment for it, or using any tools to help you self-manage it?

[ow2kdg]

Yes we have both always tried to be very communicative which has led to pretty much no arguments through out our relationship so far . In regards to therapy i’m looking to start soon but just still have not got roujd to booking in yet, i find the idea of sharing things like this face to face very vulnerable and do struggle to open up with. I’m very prone to anxiety attacks when i’m not in a routine, eg when i’m in uni / work and doing stuff i’m fine but as soon as i have free time, like rn, my mind wonders in to darker places. I just want her to know that i never intentionally wanted to hurt her. She’s a lot better with all this than me maybe due to a two year relationship she had before ours or just she’s more emotionally mature

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're looking into therapy! I hear you on it feeling very vulnerable to have those conversations with another person face to face. We actually have a whole piece on helping people navigate therapy and making it work for them: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

Too, you might get some benefit out of tools to help you address anxiety and anxiety attacks on your own, since learning how to do that is a really important part of learning to live/deal with anxiety. We have a round-up of some resources here: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources

[ow2kdg]

Hey Sam I appreciate those sources and all your help. If you don’t mind can i get your honest opinion on what you would do in my situation, I feel like as a professional in this department and as a neutral perspective you’d have the best idea on what would be the best approach.

[Sam W]

I can certainly offer my thoughts, with the caveat that you are always going to be the expert on your life and experiences, and that there may be reasons the things I'd do wouldn't work for you.

When it comes to talking with your girlfriend, I'd do what we discussed here and explain why you feel the need to bring this up, and maybe share this thread as a means of helping articulate what you're feeling. I'd also table sex for the time being, since the anxiety you're having is basically making sex no fun for you (and it sounds like having sex may also be feeding some of your anxious thoughts).

I'd also looking to what options you have for addressing anxiety that you can put into place sooner rather than later. Some of the tools in that article include apps or workbooks that have exercises or steps you can follow when you notice an anxiety attack coming on.