Scarleteen

I’m so lonely right now. The only people I know on campus are my girlfriend and one of our friends. Most people have gone home for the summer but we have jobs. I want to reach out to new people but I have no idea where to start. There’s a group chat for summer workers but I don’t know how I’d reach out to any of them. Help?

Hey Jay -- I'm sorry you've been feeling so isolated. When you say you want to reach out to new people, is it that you have people in mind that you've never approached before and want to? Or, is it that you want to connect with new people? I imagine it's a little bit of both, but I want to make sure I'm understanding what's been going on.

Tell me a little bit more about the summer worker group chat -- is it something through text, or another medium?

The chat is on the app GroupMe. People don’t really text in it much unless they need to borrow something from another person in the dorm or ask a question.
There’s this one person I met at a party a couple months ago that I’ve had some small talk conversations with if we’re in the dorm kitchen or laundry room at the same time. Besides them, I don’t know anyone else. My job is to do an independent history research project so it’s very lonely.

Hi Jay27,

There are a few different things you could try as a starting place for meeting new people. Is your school big enough that a lot of the facilities, like student centers, stay active and host events or clubs? Or does campus get pretty dead?

In a similar vein, what's the town around the school like? Are you in a "college town" or a city, or is it a pretty small town?

Too, you may have already tried this, but what is your girlfriend's social life like? Are there things the two of you could do together that would put you in contact with new people?

There’s only about 15-20 students on campus right now because it’s summer break. We’re in a small town. My girlfriend has the same friend as me on campus and that’s it.

Got it. So, some of what might be involved here is biding your time a bit until people start returning to campus, just because it sounds like the options for socializing right now are pretty slim, period. That can be frustrating, but you could also look ahead to what kinds of clubs, meet-ups, or other activities tend to start up once people are back and see if there are any you want to attend and can make plans around.

Too, depending on where you are and what your transportation situation is like, do you have any ability to get to a slightly larger town, one with maybe community spaces (including LGBT spaces)?

Students will start coming back around the end of August. I don’t have a car and neither do my gf and our friend but I think there are local buses. I don’t really know where I’d go.

Hi Jay27,

I recently graduated from university so I can understand what you're going through. I have some friends that stayed on or around campus during the summer for internships, jobs, or simply because their family is out-of-state and moving back and forth is a lot of work. They've spoken to me about how their summer usually goes and it's not too different from what you're experiencing. My university is located in a huge college town and my friends still feel isolated. Although, I'm glad there's a GroupMe chat for the summer workers since that does make it a little easier to reach out to people as a whole. How comfortable do you feel about reaching out to the chat in general?

Also, I think it's great that you have your girlfriend and mutual friend around! Even if you don't grow close with other people on campus during the summer, I think you should try to make the most of the company you have! I know you said you're located in a small town, but are there any fun recreational areas (parks, lakes, shopping, gyms, etc.) or restaurants (coffee shops, cafes, boba tea, dessert spots, etc.) around? My parents live right next to a small-ish college town and there's usually something fun to do within walking distance. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to take a look and see where public transportation could take you. What do you think about that?

I hope this helps in any way!

There are a few restaurants and a park in walking distance. I’ve texted the group chat a couple times but just to ask for things I need. I’ve never met most of the people in it. My relationship is a bit rocky right now because we’re getting to the end of the honeymoon phase (7 months in) and realizing we have some incompatibilities but we’re trying to spend a lot of time together and make things better.

I'm happy to hear that you both are working on your relationship. With that in mind, it could be nice to spend some time together and try new things in the area. If you want to talk more about your relationship, we're here to help.

As for the GroupMe chat, have you ever thought about reaching out and asking if anyone is interested in exploring the area and just hanging out? Even if the chat is dry, it wouldn't hurt to try to spark up a conversation or initiate hanging out. I know there might be some concerns, like if people don't respond, but you don't know unless you try! Also, regarding that person that you already know and see every so often, are they in the GroupMe chat? Maybe you can private message them and ask if they're free to hang out/get food/etc.? Maybe connect on social media as well (if you have it)? How does that sound?

The person I already know (let’s call them Jack) is following me on Instagram already and I’m following them back. I could maybe DM Jack and ask if they ever want to meet up for lunch. I think that before I got back to campus, Jack invited some of the other student researchers in the chat to an ice cream shop so maybe I could suggest doing that again?

There are a few things that are hard in our relationship right now. I’d like more regular communication especially over text and she can’t fully meet that need. We’re trying to find other ways to stay in touch and I need to find more people to talk to. I’m scared about communication when she’s going abroad for 4 months this fall, but we’re thinking of changing the relationship to more of a casual, friendly vibe and getting back together as a couple when she returns.

We also grew up with very minimal sex ed and we don’t really have people to talk to about our sex lives besides our therapists. We’ve spent a lot of time educating ourselves online about anatomy, how to prevent STIs, and consent, but I feel like I don’t understand the deeper emotional stuff.

Hey Jay -- thanks for telling is more about your situation on campus. I think reaching out to Jack sounds like a good idea, especially if they've initiated hang outs in the past.

Can you say more about your communication needs? What about the need is not being met by your girlfriend?

I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that you know the more technical side of sex and struggle with the emotional stuff. I'll definitely toot Scarleteen's horn here and say that this a group of people that is very well versed in those subjects. Is there something in particular that you feel like you're struggling to understand or want to explore more with?

We communicate really well in person and I feel like I get to be 100% honest with her. But she rarely texts me first, and she’s forgotten to respond in some important situations. She also doesn’t text me back regularly when we’re apart on breaks. She has severe ADHD and just doesn’t feel the need to talk as much as I do.

I’m overall a really emotional person and I feel like I have lots of contradicting feelings around sex. I only became sexually active in March of this year. New things can be really difficult for me because I have severe anxiety that I’m seeing a therapist for. I really enjoy sex and it makes me feel closer to her. But also not knowing what I’m doing makes me nervous and I sometimes feel sad afterwards, I don’t know why I get sad though. I really wish I had an older friend or cousin to talk to about this because I feel like I need support but I don’t want to tell my parents. I’m 21 and live alone.

Hi Jay27,

It can definitely be frustrating when our communication needs don't align with the people we care about. It sounds like you've brought this up before with her, but progress has not been made. I think it's worth continuing the conversation, especially since you'll be apart when she goes abroad. While she may not be able to fully meet your communication needs, it could also be helpful to practice some introspection. If your girlfriend isn't meeting this need, where else might you be able to receive some more secure, consistent communication?

As for anxiety around sex, I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to. The sadness after sex may be coming from the deep desire to please your girlfriend, which is not a bad thing. There is no one right way to engage in sex. Everyone has different preferences and ways of achieving pleasure. What kinds of communication have you and your girlfriend had about pleasure and preferences during sex? While it can be intimidating to start this conversation, you could start by emphasizing how excited you are to please her, and how interested you are in learning about each other's bodies. How comfortable would you be trying this out?

I need more friends so I can have them support me emotionally too. I don’t feel that close to most of my friends though. Like I’ll hang out with them at sorority events or parties but we don’t really see each other outside of that. I have a couple of closer friends but it seems like they don’t really want to hear about my relationship or my mental health issues. It feels more surface level.

We’ve talked about what we liked and didn’t like right after sex, and we’ve had conversations about pleasure outside of a sexual context. It’s kind of hard for both of us because she’s also new to sexual things. Neither of us had even made out with someone before.

Of those closer friends, is there one you'd like to develop that deeper connection with? Sometimes it can be easier to focus on nurturing one or two close friendships to be really intimate ones, rather than trying to get most of your friendships to be really close.

When you have those conversations with your girlfriend, does it feel like there's a lot of excitement or curiosity going along with any awkwardness? Do you feel like you two can embrace the fact this is all pretty new as a positive and see sex as something you get to explore together? Or does it feel like that fear that you might be messing up or not doing it "right" feel like it's kind of dominating the interactions.

I feel like it’s 50/50. We both find it fun and exciting to figure out what feels good and get to explore that for the first time together. But I also kind of wish we could skip ahead a few months to the part where we know what we’re doing and it’s not anxiety inducing anymore. The more we have sex, I’ve noticed it’s been getting easier and I’m more able to stay in the moment.
I have 2 friends that I’ve known since freshman year of college (I’m going to be a junior) who I want to hang out with more. I just don’t really know how to get to a deeper level. I’m autistic and they’re neurotypical and that makes it harder to know what I’m doing.

Hi Jay27,

It's definitely frustrating when we're not completely comfortable in relationships we care so much about. As for your girlfriend, I'd take a moment to embrace this anxiety and uncertainty. Yes, it can be very uncomfortable. But it sounds like you're also enjoying the excitement of learning about each other's bodies. Instead of focusing on the anxiety, focus on the excitement and newness of the interactions. After all, anxiety and excitement aren't very different experiences when you think about it.

In terms of building up these friendships, it does take a while to achieve a deep level of closeness. This is natural and doesn't necessarily speak to your value as a friend. Similar to the relationship with your girlfriend, the more you hang out and engage with one another, the easier it will feel. I can't say exactly how long it will take to feel a deep connection, but I know it will feel more comfortable after some time.