How to make sex less painful?

[Makasbsuu]

I have joint problems that make certain positions really painful for me. My hips are the worst part but my knees are a problem too. The only position my partner and I have found that works is me being on top. But I can't bounce because the pain in my knees and need them to do most of the work. It makes it feel one sided but also boring doing the same thing over and over. Can anyone suggest other positions that would be possible to do with joint problems.
I also discovered recently that I am into being restrained. So being able to do that while also not being in pain from the positions would be a bonus for me

[Nicole]

Hi Makasbsuu,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been experiencing pain due to your joint problems! I'm sure your partner can understand why certain positions might be limiting because they cause you pain, but I can understand why it might feel one-sided. Honestly, you reaching out to us about this shows that you want to make this a great experience for both of you!

Before moving forward, I want to ask if you have tried any positions while laying down (unless you are interested in having more of an active role?) since those seem the safest under the circumstances, or if you've tried to use any props. One of our resources, Disabled Sex: Sex for Two (or More), goes into detail about props in the section "Getting into position." I highly recommend that you check it out. Please let me know what you think and we can move forward!

[Makasbsuu]

For me, I have problems with moving my hips in like the way you do to get out of a car so being on my back is difficult for me because it requires me to move my hips in that way. We've used pillows under my hips (mainly because my partner is taller than me so angles) but it doesn't make too much of a difference :")

[Heather]

Hey there, Makasbsuu. I'm going to throw a few more ideas at you to consider:

1) Have you considered not centering PIV sex as the core way you are sexual with a partner? In other words, that's just one kind of sex of so many, and other ways of being sexual can allow for a lot more adaptation than that one. We can talk more about that if you like, but I just wanted to check that first and foremost.

2) How does it feel to be on your side, especially if you use a few pillows both above and below your hips? There are a lot of things you can do sexually on your side, and intercourse is also one of those things.

3) How does it feel to be kneeling, with your weight on your forearms and elbows?

4) Is anything different if you do things before being sexual to help alleviate pain like a hot shower, stretching, or using a topical pain medication?

5) Have you brought sex toys into things? Sex toys can offer us so much in so many ways, but they can tend to be extra helpful when we have bodies with limitations: there are things toys can do even if your bodies or their parts can't.

[Makasbsuu]

1) We mainly use PIV sex but we also include oral sex. For me clitoral stimulation doesn't really do anything so we mostly do things that include penetrative sex.

2) Being on my side is a lot better on my hips. It can cause me pain after a while but pillows can help with it. We haven't really found ways to do things with me on my side yet though :')

3)Kneeling is ok if the weight is not on my knees as that causes pain.

4) Unfortunately my pain is caused by a structural abnormality in my hip which catches a nerve so I haven't found stretching or painkillers help but I am working on my hip abduction to see if it can help

5) We do have one. Though I find that it's too,, stiff? Which makes it a bit painful but I am looking for other alternatives for when my hips hurt

[Nicole]

Hi Makasbsuu,

Heather is sick today so they will get back to you when they're doing a little better!

[Heather]

It might help to know that much of what sensation we feel inside the vagina is *because* of the clitoris, the internal portions of it, which are considerably larger than the parts many people think of as the whole thing, the hood and the glans. Past the first inch or two of the vaginal opening, the vagina itself doesn’t have a lot of sensory nerve endings. But all the parts of the clitoris do.

So, it sounds like you’re saying that you most enjoy sexual activity where something is inside your vagina. The good news about that is that it is usually a lot easier to make adaptations with hands, fingers and toys, that with a penis, given the way a penis is connected to the body.

So, how about starting with some experimentation with new toys (sounds like what you may have is a hard plastic vibrator, and for sure, those often don’t feel great and aren’t even made for internal use), and with you and your partner’s hands and fingers, in positions that don’t cause you pain?

Can I also ask if you’re on any medications for nerve pain? If not, those could potentially significantly improve your life and sex life.