Are my experiences normal? (+ Could my sensitivity be low?)

[SunderedHeaven]

Hey, I’m 20 years old, starting to transition from male to female (currently over a month into anti-androgens; 100% sure I wanna be feminine, flickering between 70-80% sure I wanna fully transition), and only now got around to something I’ve kinda wanted to do for a while: That is, asking others about some questions I’ve had in my head for a fairly long time. Ah, also, apologies in advance: I’m not actually too sure where to post this. It could probably fit into boards like Bodies, Gender, and probably a few others, but since I’m not sure and it might stretch across topics a bit, I decided to post here. Oh, and sorry if it’s way too long; I opted for detail over being concise and ended up writing way too much, so thanks to anyone who reads through all this.

Basically, I’ve occasionally wondered for years (since I was around 14-ish) why guys in porn, and when talking about sex/masturbation seem to experience so much pleasure from their primary organ (stuff like heavy breathing, moaning, shivers, electric/ecstatic feeling). Like, I too enjoy such things; I get turned on normally, don’t have any dysfunction, my testosterone levels were (until starting transition) normal for a guy, etcetera. But I’ve never actually felt much physical pleasure from masturbation; if I had to compare it to something, it’s maybe like getting a belly rub, or eating a good chocolate, or getting a small hit from an energy drink. It’s pleasurable, but nowhere even close to ecstasy. The only time I could genuinely say it was kinda close, was back around when I first tried masturbating as a kid, and that might’ve just been because it was a new experience. If anything, I find that the process is a lot more enjoyable than the end, because at least I’ll enjoy feeling heated throughout.

I tried looking around the internet for anyone who also has my question, but could only find stuff relating to asexuality, erectile dysfunction, and other things that aren’t really the situation I’m describing. I still like masturbation, but I’m mainly getting pleasure from my imagination and fantasies; it comes from things like the idea of sharing lewd experiences with people, as well as from the idea of someone and I experiencing a lot of pleasure together.

I’m not entirely sure whether a lot of these feelings and experiences of mine are common, or rare, or even unique. Actually, for all I know, a lot of this could be perfectly normal. I guess it makes sense that I might not have much of a concept of how people’s bodies work compared to others… I grew up without my dad being involved in my life beyond very occasional visits, and it’s not like anyone would explain things about girls’ bodies and how they work to a guy… So really, my only source of understanding about how people and their bodies work is myself. I think that’s a big part of the reason I decided to post here; I want to learn more about these things, as well as compare myself and my experiences to others, so that hopefully I can find out more about myself, which will help me a lot in my thinking, reflecting, decision-making, etc. regarding transition and myself.

Ah, okay, this paragraph is about a very recent development, which is another thing that led me to deciding to post here. It’s not that important; only somewhat, but I think that it’s still important enough for me to include in this post. It’s just that, it’s potentially um… TMI. Feel totally free to skip this. I really wish I could use some spoiler tags to hide this… Maybe the line will help. Anyway, so… I just recently, for the first time… In the bath… Used my finger on myself whilst masturbating. It felt pretty shameful, and was actually fairly difficult (took a lot of energy out of me) but it actually got me a lot closer to something that I’d consider ecstasy, and it made me hopeful that fully transitioning to female might make sexual experiences a lot more enjoyable for me. Would it be a similar kind of thing, I wonder? I’m not sure. Perhaps, I’m really just not that well-suited for the (questionably) healthy male body I inherited, whether it be emotionally, mentally, or (considering this development), even physically. I actually still have a lot more to think about with this; I’d appreciate some conversation on this topic to help me reflect, but also it’s still really embarrassing...

So, some questions I have are: Is any of this normal? Is my body fine, or (even more) weird? Could it simply be because I’m not-that-well-suited to my current body; even physically? In that case, would fully transitioning (with surgery and all) maybe make these things feel better and be more enjoyable? Or, could I just be someone who finds more pleasure in the fantasising, emotion and lewdness than from the physical stimulation? If so, is that something normal for most people that just goes unsaid? If it isn’t, would there be a flag or LGBTQ+ cluster for that? And, is there anyone else with experiences similar to mine? Thank you to all reading this, for entertaining my scattered thoughts and questions here. I hope I did an okay job of putting this together to make it nice enough to read.

[Heather]

Hey there, SunderedHeaven. Welcome to the boards. <3

So, above all else, I think it's always important to remember that much of what porn represents is what sexual material people, and most often cis men, will spend money on. It's an almost-entirely profit-driven industry.

Why do you see what you're talking about in porn? I'd say it's because most cis folks born with a penis have been taught that their penis is their whole sexual body, so many to most have sexual fantasy -- not reality -- that lines up with what they are being shown. They are usually taught sex is only or mostly about their penis by culture, certainly taught by porn, but also often taught by their own macro and micro communities. They are also often taught that centering their penis is what's "masculine" sexual behavior, so it can tend to line up with lowest common denominator cultural ideals of masculinity.

In reality, IMO (and I'm calling on both 25 years of doing sex ed as a job, but also a lot of personal life observation), the sex that a lot of cis guys have either is super penis-centric and by virtue of such, not actually that exciting or pleasurable, or it isn't. When it isn't, when it involves things like other parts of their body, other senses beyond touch, when it involves things like being part of a partner experiencing various kinds of pleasure, that tends to be when we see or have people with penises report truly satisfying sex. So, no, I'd not say what you're reporting about your experiences is rare. The reason they don't match up with porn, though, is that that's a very intentionally crafted fiction, and what I'm talking about and you're reporting is reality. Make sense?

What I can't speak to -- and I'm not sure anyone can -- is if full medical transition will change anything for you. I'm not sure I understand, though, what you're looking to change or have changed. Maybe you could say a little more about that?

[SunderedHeaven]

Ah, thanks for the response. It’s interesting to know that people may just generally overvalue the amount of physical sensation sexual things have. Though, I do hear people I know occasionally talking about things in that way… I suppose either they’re the unusual ones, or maybe they’re overstating things; not that it’s that important. So yeah, thanks for answering one of my bigger questions I was wondering about. [Note from after I typed most of this reply: I may have gone off-track after a couple paragraphs and written too much again, but I’m too tired to tell… Thank you again to anyone who reads through all this, and I hope I still said meaningful things to justify how long-winded I may or may not be here.]

Ah, I’ll also try to answer your question: Basically, I definitely want to change my body structure as much as possible, probably get surgery to swap my more gender-specific parts to those of the opposite, and potentially other things too (things like permanently reducing/deleting the facial hair, skin changes, hair changes, and more stuff). For context, I’ve got most of the transgender package; I think I’d be much happier as the opposite gender to what I was born as in many ways and for many reasons, potentially including the way and parts with which I would prefer to experience sexual things (side note: much more certainly, I think I’d rather be female when considering romance, and that side of relationships).

Now, I can’t really be absolutely certain I’d prefer to experience such things with different parts because… Well, I can’t try it to find out without going all-in and fully transitioning, but I think that… Well, first of all, there’s what I regretfully explained trying in my main post above, which went really, surprisingly well for me. But also, I think I don’t really like the idea so much of me, as myself, actually having sex with male organs. Perhaps I could tolerate it, especially if I never found out that transitioning is possible (with much time and effort and modern-day science), but whilst I can enjoy some fantasies from the position of a guy, I don’t think I would appreciate them so much in real life - my life. Not to mention, I enjoy a considerable amount more fantasies from the position of a girl, and am much more optimistic when considering the idea of things like that actually happening, and being involved in them.

I… Ah, how to explain it… I feel like being a girl in terms of things like masturbation and sex would be a lot more my style. There’s always the option of still sticking to that style as a guy, and being a self-identified femboy, but I feel like I personally am past the point where it would be like a feminine guy, and all the way to the point where it may feel more like I’m using a suboptimal gender for the way I want to be, do things and experience things. I feel that being a girl there would just fit me a lot better.

Although, as is apparently quite common amongst trans people, I don’t completely trust myself and everything that I think about my ideals, preferences and wishes when it comes to such a life-changing decision. I still hold some doubt towards whether I really do know what I want and what I’d like for myself in the future, especially when I can’t try/experience it beforehand to make sure I will like it. So, my reassurance for myself is that even if I am mistaken, and even if I potentially end up realising that I wouldn’t actually prefer to be a girl, I’d still prefer to at least be a femboy; that’s something I actually can try beforehand (and kinda have already), so I at least know that hormones are absolutely the right choice for me.

Apologies if this is harder to read, or if there are more gaps in my logic/explanation than in my main post; I spent less time reading over this one because I’m pretty tired, and actually might try and sleep after this.

[Sam W]

Hi SunderedHeaven,

So, I want to dig into something you mentioned that I think might hold some useful insights. You mention that you think being a girl would be more your style for sex and masturbation. Can you say a little more about what that entails? Is it about certain body parts being involve, or about being on the "receiving" end of sex? Is it about taking on a certain role or being seen a certain way by your partner? Something else entirely?