Scarleteen

I guess I'm posting this to get this off my chest and I know I'm not the only one. Im sorry this is long. Sorry if this is the wrong forum to post on.

[trigger warning medical trauma ]

I had a pelvic exam and a pap smear test done when I was 13, and it severely traumatized me. I was having UTI-like symptoms that were not going away so I went to this medical facility. After testing negative for a UTI, they basically asked me if I was sexually active and I repeatedly told them no, I was not! They didn’t believe me because they said they were going to perform a pelvic exam/pap on me to see if I had any STI’s or anything abnormal. I was extremely nervous and naive, but thought since they were doctors they would be able to help me. A male medical resident performed the exam on me with the help of his superior, a female doctor who guided him through the steps. They didn’t ease me into the procedure or explain what they were going to do.

I was extremely embarrassed and the entire exam was painful. It was my first time having absolutely anything up there. I remember the speculum stung and burned. The feeling was completely foreign to me, it was such an unknown sensation and I was horrified. I remember involuntarily crying out and the female doctor just told my mother to hold my hand?? I remember how invasive the doctor’s hands felt in me. I found the whole entire exam awful and humiliating. They completely ignored the pain I was in. They clearly didn’t care if this was my first time. They did not communicate with me. And I remember thinking in my head - if only I were older, then maybe they would have treated me with more respect.

I went home and cried my eyes out. I felt so violated. I knew this wasn’t sexual assault but it was traumatizing and caused me so much distress.

They said they were going to refer me to a urologist but I never heard back. My mother was pissed at what they did, but we never spoke about it again. Life kept on and I sorta just went on too. I developed a bad eating disorder for two years after that experience and my symptoms never really went away. I felt ashamed to be a girl, I didn’t want to be a girl after that experience. I didn't want to have a vagina. I was too mortified to voice to my parent that my symptoms were still present because of the shame and fear I carried. I was absolutely too terrified to see a doctor again. I didn’t want to relive that experience.

I still have bad medical anxiety surrounding my reproductive health but I actually recently had my second pelvic exam at 21 and the experience was better than my first although still highly uncomfortable. My providers were very sweet to me. I was absolutely terrified and I was shaking the entire time but I’m so proud of myself for conquering this fear that has held so much weight in me. But I’m so incredibly sad and angry that it took this long for me to get help. My doctor believes I have interstitial cystitis–which would explain the UTI symptoms despite all my tests coming back negative.

I still beat myself up sometimes because I wish I was capable of forgetting and moving on, that it wasn’t that bad! Why do I have to be so affected by this? But it was bad, and it deeply affected me and I’m still grieving over how it changed me when I was still young. I’m still healing but I’m hoping that sharing my experience will bring me some peace. Just needed to get this off my chest.

Hi Lo.

I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing this here, and I hope getting it out was at least a little bit helpful for you. I'm also glad that your more recent exam was done by someone who demonstrated some level of compassion for your distress, if only because you --and everyone--deserve to have health care experiences that see you as a whole person, and it's awful that the people performing your first pelvic exam didn't act that way.

I do want to say that, as for why you still feel affected by this, it may be because it does sound incredibly traumatic. Trauma can stay in our systems for a long time, especially if we don't get chances to address it or try to heal from it. Too, it sounds like the fear this caused also lead to you (understandably) not seeking care when you needed it, so even though it happened when you were younger, you continued experiencing discomfort/pain because of it, which can compound the trauma of the experience. Does that make sense?

Hi Sam,

Thank you for getting back to me so quick and thank you for your response. I guess the inner child in me has been searching a very long time for validation over this traumatic experience because it has been something I've kept secret for years even though I desperately wanted someone to say that my feelings were indeed valid. I could cry lol.

I appreciate how you addressed the way trauma can stay in our bodies for a really long time! And the way my situation compounded my trauma because my body was still in pain so it has been a constant reminder. It makes sense, so thank you. (Any more insights or any other resources about this kind of trauma/support are always welcome and appreciated).

I'm so glad what I said was validating for you!

As far as other resources, do you have access to mental healthcare? I ask because some of the strategies used to heal from medical trauma are often practiced with the assistance of a therapist or other mental health professional. You could also look into things like bodywork or "somatic experiencing;" those focus o the ways our bodies hold onto trauma and how to help them release it.