Can't figure out what to call my sexuality / gender

[Estobawk]

I'm trans mtf (been out for over half a year). I really love the idea of being a girl, I like she/her pronouns, and I can't wait to have a more feminine, female body. I can't help but feel like something is... missing from that identity though. I feel like I identify with nonbinary people too and sometimes even agender people. But the label of 'nonbinary' or 'demigirl' doesn't really seem right. I feel like I fully identify as female too. I'm not sure how I feel about using she/they pronouns. And I also kinda feel like I kind of 'go between' a lot of different... aspects of my gender? Not sure how to describe. I'm pretty confident I'm not genderfluid though, I don't feel like my actual gender is ever really changing.

I feel fully like a girl. I feel like the nonbinary-aligned and the femme sides of me are kind of seperate, but intertwined. Like a paint that's all mixed up, but somehow both colors are seperate as well. I feel like I shift between either of them, but I'm always 100% of the time both of them?

On the sexuality side of things, I'm definitely a person who experiences a lot of sexual attraction to other girls / femme people. I think I'm pretty clearly lesbian in that regard and I have no interest in or attraction towards guys. But romantically, I'm just so confused. I also feel romantic attraction to girls, but I feel like these feelings, especially romantically, really intensify as I would get closer to someone. And I feel like I'm kinda demi for more neutral / feminine guys. But I'm not sure because I've never really been close enough to anyone.

I feel like sexual / romantic / platonic relationships and attraction and stuff are different and I feel like I can kinda distinguish them but at the same time... they feel very muddled and confused with another, or maybe just really linked together? Like it's hard for me to feel platonic attraction or wanting to be someone's friend without also having romantic and sexual thoughts about them too, and I generally feel platonic attraction to people I find romantically, sexually, aesthetically attractive too. It's also definitely hard to distinguish romantic and sexual things.

Like, the idea of holding hands, kissing, cuddling, or going out with somebody feels both inherently romantic and sexual, and also kind of platonic as well, but there's definitely a difference between those kinds of things too for me. And basically the same kind of thing goes for romantic and platonic. It's really hard for me to talk to people or do things with them because I feel like it's hard to distinguish friendship and romantic relationships, which are in turn hard to distinguish from sexual ones. I guess there's just a lot of anxiety there.

Sometimes I wish I could just drop all the pretenses and just... be in an intimate relationship with people because they're my friend. Like one day we're 'just friends' and we go out for a treat and it's not really labeled as romantic or platonic, the next we're really romantic and after that we're having super hot lesbian sex.

So yeah, all of that to say I basically have no idea what to call my sexual / romantic orientation. Demi doesn't feel right because I do experience strong attraction both sexually / romantically. But at the same time I kinda like it because I feel like I'd get very romantic and sexual with people when they're my friends, but at the same time it's kind of the romantic/sexual attraction that makes me want to be friends with them in the first place. It's all very... nebulous, but I still can distinguish them and nebularomantic or idemromantic don't really feel right.

The most confusing part is that it honestly feels kind of hard to even distinguish between sexuality and gender. Sometimes being girly or wearing a skirt just feels sexual too. And I feel like my feminine identity is VERY closely connected with intimacy and closeness and friendship with other femme people, like it honestly feels kind of... spiritual for lack of a better word, just how important those are to each other. In fact I first began questioning whether I was trans when I had my first real crush on a girl and feeling like I wanted to be intimate with her as a girl and honestly kind of disgusted by being anything other than feminine with her.

Maybe all of this is just too complex to sum up with a label / identity, but I feel like having something to call myself that describes well how I feel would be comforting and alleviating. And honestly I kinda just needed to 'vent' for lack of a better word about it.

[Sam W]

Hi Estobawk,

You're right that, if this all feels to complex for one label, you don't have to use one, but as you mentioned it can be really nice to have a word or two you use to describe the big, swirling picture that is your sexual orientation and gender identity.

With your sexual orientation, do you think there's any utility in using "queer" as a descriptor? One of the many reasons you'll see people identifying that way is for experiences like yours where they feel like their sexual orientation is so vibrantly complex or hard to articulate.

As far as gender identity, does it feel like saying "some mixture of nonbinary and femme" or "some mixture of nonbinary and woman" or a combination like that would work? That's still a pretty quick description, but it also acknowledges that sensation of those elements of your gender feeling distinct yet intertwined.

[suomi]

(I'm very sorry, I just read to not reply to other users!)

[Estobawk]

I don't really like the word woman, it just sounds off to me, so maybe something like 'enbygirl?' It still irks me a little bit because it feels like it would imply that I'm partly female and partly nonbinary, but I'm fully a girl. I think it's something I'd like to try, at least. On that note, I've noticed a certain... discomfort? Itch? as I've use exclusively she/her pronouns. I think it kind of feels like it's missing something, but she/they doesn't feel quite right either, like it's too much, and I've looked at a bunch of neopronouns and I don't think any of them feel right. Like, I want the feeling of 'she/her' and just 'she/her' but still something kind of genderqueer but unlike gender itself words are discrete.


For me 'queer' is a little too broad for me to want to use it to describe my experience in attraction
The most concisely I can describe it is that between platonic, romantic, sexual, aesthetic, etc. attraction for me it's very liquid, not in the sense of like how I experience it changes day to day though. And sometimes it honestly feels kind of pointless to distinguish between them at all, especially platonic and romantic. It makes it kind of difficult to do go out and do things and socialize with people, make friends and stuff, because I'm always so anxious about if I'm being romantic and I'm so scared I'll make people uncomfortable.

And of course, I'm lesbian/gay for femme people, and feminine enby people. And for lack of a better word, demi for everyone who's not super masculine.

And the confusion between femininity, gender, and sexuality, queerness, relationships, platonics, etc is something I kind of want to know if there's a better way to describe it.

[Nicole]

Hi Estobawk,

I know some people who struggled to figure out which pronouns fit their gender identity the best so they ended up using no pronouns at all and asked those around them to refer to them by their name. This could be an option for you for the time being if you'd like. What do you think?

Similar to what Sam said, you don't need to label yourself. Identity can be everchanging and incredibly complex. As you mentioned, this does cause a lot of anxiety and that's not ideal. The best advice I can give involves communicating these experiences and thoughts you have to the people around you so you can make sure everyone is on the same page. I think this could clarify a lot of things on both ends, such as what is considered platonic, romantic, and/or sexual to you and the other person. Does that make sense?

I hope this helps in any way. I'm not too familiar with what you're going through but I completely understand your frustration. I can ask our staff/volunteers for their input as well if you're interested, just let me know!

[Estobawk]

I think I would like some more input, yeah

I really like she/her pronouns and I don't want to not use them, I just feel like they're missing a little something

[Nicole]

I reached out to my fellow staff members/volunteers to see what they can add here! I do want to mention that pronouns are a very personal matter so this is ultimately up to what makes you feel the most comfortable.