Boundaries crossed in my relationship

[bigpanda]

Hi,

Both my partner and I have long histories of SA before getting together. It was super important to both of us that we spoke about our boundaries and we have had many conversations about this. It has honestly been so lovely, my partner has been super reassuring, applied no pressure, and it’s been the most attentive that anybody has ever been to my needs. We made a list of boundaries, including things that would make both of us feel safe. Some included asking every time (including after pauses) and asking even if the other person seems fine/says they’re ok.

After a few months of dating, it felt like the right time to take the first steps. This is where it gets a bit TMI lol. I took my top off for the first time and they asked if they could touch my chest. I’ve previously expressed that I don’t particularly see my breasts as a sexual area, but it was respectful that they asked. I said ‘yes. You don’t have to ask each time but it’s nice to ask’. We countinued for a bit until they said their back was uncomfortable, so we moved around and changed position. The pause was only for a couple of moments, we started kissing again. Without asking, they went to touch my boobs again. I kind of pushed their hand away and said that it was on our list of boundaries to ask each time. They said sorry and asked, I said yes but then decided to say no. They stopped as soon as I said no.

They have been very apologetic and made no excuses. They said they got caught up in the context of the situation (e.g. they had gained consent a moment before and I’d said they didn’t have to ask each time, the pause was only for a few moments) and forgot about the boundaries we had discussed (asking on every occasion and despite what the other person was saying). I know that these boundaries are very strict but because of my history they make me feel comfortable. I feel that a lot of the trust is gone and my partner is very upset and wants to do anything to make me feel better.

Im honestly not sure whether to walk away from the relationship. My sexual boundaries, which we had discussed in a lot of detail, have been crossed but I also see the effort my partner has gone to to make me feel safe. I also gave consent initially (and said that they didn’t have to keep asking) and they stopped when I asked. Do you think that they’ve done anything wrong? I honestly love this person - do you think that I should stay with them? Is there a difference between consent and boundaries?

[Sam W]

Hi bigpanda,

It sounds like this situation is causing you, and them, quite a bit of stress, so let's see if we can tease out how you want to approach it or how you want to frame it for yourself.

To make sure I'm understanding correctly, did you saying "you don't have to ask every time, but it would be nice" conflict with another rule or boundary you two had agreed on? Because otherwise it sounds like you explained the boundary in the moment, they acted based upon that, then stopped and adjusted their behavior when you realized you needed to adjust or clarify the boundary.

[bigpanda]

Hi,

Yes the boundaries that we had written down were ‘ask each time, for everything’ and ‘ask even if the other person says it’s ok’. I feel that these boundaries were crossed. I’m just checking that there aren’t any red flags for assault/that just because boundaries were crossed it doesn’t mean that I’ve been assaulted. Everything feels scary since my sexual assault a few years ago so I just wanted to check in with an objective opinion

[bigpanda]

To be clear, this is what happened:

I took my bra off and they asked if they could touch
I said yeah, you don’t have to ask every time but it’s nice to ask
We have a boundary that is ask every time and ask despite what the other person says
We changed positions
They reached to touch my chest
I pushed their hand away and said that they had to ask every time
They said oh sorry, can I touch?
I said yes
I then stopped them and we had a conversation

The boundaries we had were around asking each time and even if the other person seems/says they’re fine.

They are apologetic and are not defending themselves but have said that they didn’t see the few moments as a different occasion and were listening to me in the moment when I gave them consent and said they didn’t have to ask again.

Thanks for your reply, I just want an objective/informed opinion around whether this seems like a mistake or whether it was something worse like a sexual assault. I’m just very sensitive to this stuff with my history and want to hear it from someone who knows what they’re talking about

[Sam W]

Thank you for that additional context!

So, from everything you're describing, this sounds far more like a moment of miscommunication rather than an instance of assault or red flag; your partner perceived you as still being in a moment where the consent you'd just given applied, and you didn't. And when you corrected them/asked them to stop or adjust, they did. Even when everyone is being really attentive to consent and boundaries, there can still be moments like the one you had.

That being said, it seems like this is still having a pretty big effect on you due, at least in part, to the fact you've survived assaults in the past. Do you feel like some of that is stemming from the fear that it happened again? Or like what happened reminded you of the assault?

[bigpanda]

Can mistakes happen in sex and it be ok? I understand that consent was there because I said yes and that they didn’t have to ask and they stopped when I asked them to… is this right? Was it a grey area or was it okay?

Honestly, I’ve had ‘uncomfortable’ experiences in every relationship since my assault and I’m really bad at moving past these moments and not ruminating on them. I didn’t realised I’d been assaulted because I was unconscious (when I was 18, a few years ago now) and I’m scared I’m gonna let go of feeling uncomfortable and then it turn out to be something bad again. That’s why I’m seeking a second opinion!

[Sam W]

Yes, mistakes can (and do) happen during sex without it indicating an assault. One of the risks we take on when we choose to be sexual with another person is that, through things like misunderstanding or miscommunication, we could unintentionally hurt them or make them uncomfortable, or that they might do the same.

But some important differences between those moments and a sexual assault include the fact that we can/are safe to say no, revoke consent, or otherwise communicate that our needs have changed, and that the other person will respond by stopping or otherwise making the adjustment we need them to. Too, how a partner acts afterwards is also important; in the case of your relationship, they apologized and the two of you were able to talk about it, and they treated your feelings about it as important. Does that make sense?

[bigpanda]

Yes this makes sense. My partner does care about my feeling and did ask for consent/stop when I asked. Even though my boundary was crossed, I understand that I complicated matters by saying that they didn’t have to ask each time. Do you think that from what I’ve said I need to worry that my partner sexually assaulted me ?

[Sam W]

From what you're describing, no, I do not think your partner assaulted you. It sounds much more like there was a genuine miscommunication and that this is someone who does care about and does their best to respect your boundaries.

I wonder, when the two of you have that rule that you have to ask even if the other person has just said they're okay, how did that rule come about? Have one of both of you had experiences in the past where you had to say things were okay regardless of whether they were, or where a partner didn't give you enough time to actually think about how you felt or what you needed so you ended up saying yes when you didn't really want to?