Scarleteen

Hi,

I recently started dating someone and we're interested in having sex (using the term very loosely here, kind of as a blanket for any sexual contact).

We're both nonbinary/genderqueer. They're asexual but not sex repulsed. Basically, sex, in the right circumstances, is enjoyable to them insofar as it's something their partner enjoys. I am not asexual, though we both suspect I lean in that direction more than most people. They've had sex before, but never with a trans person. I haven't had sex before.

There's really not a lot of information out there for "first times" in this sort of relationship. (Trans, asexual, all that stuff). I was wondering if you could offer any insight or advice? A few things we've already talked about.

(1) Birth control. We have the sort of bodies that could make babies with each other, regardless of gender. I'll be having a conversation with my GP about it, but I have worries about hormonal-based birth control messing with my sense of gender as a trans person. I'm leaning towards an IUD. But we've already established that we're not having penetrative vaginal sex (I'm not keen on that). Is birth control then kind of overkill? I really can't get pregnant, and neither is my partner in a place when they can get someone pregnant.

(2) STIs. We both recognise this is low risk. I've never had sex and my partner has been celibate for several years. We're going to talk to our doctors and get whatever tests they recommend. We're in a monogamous relationship and trust one another. Is it reasonable for us to have sex without any barriers?

(3) Communication. We've talked about things like our interests, the things we're not willing to do, what we'd like to get out of sex, especially surrounding my partner's asexuality. We both recognise that we both need to go really slowly and it would be helpful to talk each other through the process, especially since there are some things we're not sure how we feel about, and won't know until we try. Honestly, the oppeness is one of the best things about our relationship. Is there something we've forgotten to talk about that we really should?

Hi Glorious,

I'm glad you two are being so proactive about all this! As far as communication goes, it sounds like you two have hit the major points and, more importantly, understand that communication is something that goes on during sex as well, and that you'll need to do it in order to make adjustments or let each other know whether or not something is okay or enjoyable.

As far as birth control goes, as long as you keep your activities to ones that pose no risk of pregnancy in the first place, that would basically remove the risks (this article can help you out if you're not sure you know the pregnancy risk of a certain thing: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?).

That being said, if you wanted to reduce the risks as much as humanly possible, getting on birth control might still be a sound call. With birth control potentially messing with your sense of gender, are you worried about it counteracting hormones you're already on? Or is it more the act of taking it or being on it feels like it doesn't match your gender?

With STI testing, the current recommendation is: The safer sex practice we know, and have had proven, works to best reduce our risks is six months of latex barriers use AND monogamy, with an STI test at the start of that period and one at the end. If both those tests, for both partners, come back negative, and both partners remain monogamous, then it's much safer to go without condoms, and STI risks are going to be very minimal. Too, even if the people involved have little to no sexual history, their are STIs, like Herpes, that can be acquired other ways and may not be easy to test for, so we often recommend people keep using barriers if they want to stay as safe as possible.

Thanks for the information. The worry about taking hormonal birth control is that it might feel "wrong" for my gender. I took birth control pills briefly as a teen to regulate my cycle and it just felt awful. And I'll ask my partner to buy some condoms, just in case (again, not entirely sure what kinds of sex we'll be having. We're going to have to experiment a bit I think to find out what feels good for both of us).

Is there really nothing I should be concerned about with them being asexual? My biggest fear is asking them to do something, and they feel okay at the time, but feel bad about it later? (Their biggest fear is that I've over-idealised sex and the experience is going to be a letdown, but frankly even if it's kinda meh I think I'll at the very least enjoy being near my partner)

Oh wait ... it'll be nearly six months before we see each other in person again anyways. (We're doing the long distance relationship thing)

Hi Glorious,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. I believe this all goes back to communication. Your fears are valid and it's wonderful that you're looking out for your partner, but there's no way in telling how your partner feels now or later until you ask them. From what I know, asexual individuals have their own unique relationship with sex, so the best thing I can recommend is to voice these concerns to your partner and see what they say. From what you've mentioned before about your partner's relationship with sex, I can't imagine any complications, but I can't assume. It's best to express these worries and come to a conclusion before moving forward. How does that sound?

Makes sense, Nicole. And it occurs to me that we've really already had this conversation with one another. They've told me on no uncertain terms that they will let me know if they don't want to do something at the moment (or ever). I'm probably way overthinking this!

It's okay that you're thinking about this a lot, it's an important moment for you and you want to be safe, responsibe, and respectful. Don't let it stress you out too much considering you and your partner have established great communication, which I want to give you kudos for! Keep bringing up and discussing concerns or thoughts as they come up, it sounds like you're handling this greatly