Scarleteen

Hi, I’ve had this person as my one and only friend for years. We used to be classmates but got close after we only contacted by text.

I’ve had a small crush on them before, but now that we’re of age and they are starting to seriously style themselves to look attractive I’ve become seriously sexually attracted to them and sleeping with them has shown itself to be a real possibility. To clarify, I’m not considering a romantic relationship at all though. I’m clear that my love for them is as a friend.

There’s a lot of factors and details about our friendship that might affect this but I don’t think I can fully explain. I’ll say the thing I’m most worried for, ofc, is that it would ruin our friendship.

We’ve been pretty open about our own sex lives to each other so it’s unlikely they’ll feel creeped out by my expression. I think I have a fair chance, or maybe something about me is a turn off for them, but it’s not rejection that I’m afraid of either. It’s that if they do agree and we do it too awkwardly, that we feel embarrassed to go to each other for emotional conversations anymore. Especially since I’ve had zero decent/proper experiences with sex or even simple stuff like kissing. I’m really afraid of messing up and losing them as such a huge source of comfort and support.

On the other hand, I just have that impulse to be like “why not? go for it!” Hypothetically, we won’t cut contact any time soon so I can still ask in the future (but I won’t be living in the same country so it’ll be during visits). But why wait when it’s a chance to have fun?

I’ve stayed up so late wondering if I should do this and even how (straightforward short text? serious long text?). Please help. Maybe some guiding questions can be useful, or insights into these specific situations. Thanks!

Hey blu -- this is a tough one! Anticipating what your friend might say to this is just as hard for us as it is for you, so it's difficult to answer a should/should not question like this. Others might have more more insight, but I think I'll start with some initial observations.

Something I did notice in your initial post here is that you called this person your one and only friend. I think this adds a lot of pressure to the situation. Do you think you could continue to have a relationship with them if they said no? Or, if they said yes but wanted more than FWB?

As you sort this out, I also think it will be important to remember not to assume anything about what you think your friend might say or do or feel. You could be very open with each other about sex, but keep in mind that talking about sex and having sex are pretty different levels of boundaries.

Any thoughts on this?

You’re right that I can’t predict how they’ll react! But I can’t imagine them making a big deal if they were to reject me, and they’ve also always mentioned not thinking that they’re suitable for a stable relationship so I doubt they will ask for one. It’s really just the potential awkwardness of it all. As in neither of us would cut the other off out of disgust or anything, but just feel embarrassed.

Hi blu_envy,

I wonder, have there been times in the past where something made things awkward for you and your friend? Or times when you've had a minor conflict or disagreement to work through? If you can remember moments like that, how did the two of you get through it?

Hmm, I think most of the time I’d just avoid talking to them till the negative feelings I associate with them fade, whether that’s a few minutes or a week. Many times they aren’t actually resolved. I feel like because of their self confidence issues and/or the same fear of awkwardness they have never expressed any criticisms about me. When we acknowledge disagreements I think the conversation kinda dies down and we just avoid the topic.

There are times where I’m afraid that the feelings will turn into resentment and I was brave enough to talk it out though. And there are times where they emotionally expressed how they feel about our friendship. Now that you made me think about it, maybe we can work through it like this…

I’m going drinking with them a few days later, I’m thinking maybe bringing it up when I get the courage from alcohol…?

I would actually caution against doing this under the influence of alcohol. While alcohol can relax us or help us feel like we're having an easier time talking, it can also impair our judgement or make it harder for us to parse certain things (it can also heighten our emotional state, which isn't a great mood to be in if you're having a tricky conversation with someone). So, I think going into this conversation clear-headed is likely to be the better call.

As you're planning out how to have this conversation, I'd actually give this article a read: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics. Even if things go well, the advice in that article can be really helpful when navigating tricky conversations.

Alright, so I asked through text the day after we hung out! And they said they’re open to trying it, which would be 2 weeks later when they come back from a trip.

The problem is I’m not sure if they actually want to? It wasn’t an enthusiastic ‘yes’ but a ‘yea Im willing to try’. Even when I asked more clearly again saying that they can feel free to decline without an explanation. They have a pattern with going along what I suggest, tho they never express regret (they’ve claimed to just not be very emotional). Should I ask again later and what questions/things should I say exactly?

I'm glad you were able to ask them about it!

You know, what I'm hearing is that when they get back and you two can meet in person again, a good first step will be to sit and talk about what you each want, need, and are hoping for when it comes to relationships. I really like the things to consider that this article lays out: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models. That kind of conversation can help you feel like you're on the same page, and will also probably give you a clearer sense of how into this idea they are.

Well, it happened yesterday… And it wasn’t very good…

My initial fear was that we won’t be able to talk to each other anymore out of awkwardness, but it turns out to be more worse and complicated…

I don’t know why- I just didn’t enjoy it. It was overall disinteresting- and slightly repulsive… Maybe it’s multiple reasons.

I got close to them through text only, I’ve only really hung out w them a few times irl, except before when we were classmates. Maybe I liked them for their personality, but just not really attracted to them in person…
But it’s not like I didn’t know how they looked before. I wasn’t expecting no model body.

So I also wonder if it’s just me… Before this I’ve only had one attempt at sex and I was pretty young. And I had the same feeling of repulsion. I just assumed it was shock from it being my first time. And it happened so many years ago, I thought I’ve gotten so desensitised and secure about it. But this made me question if it’s about my sexuality. Maybe I’m on the ace spectrum, have a genital preference, or maybe even straight.

I know only I can really answer these questions about my feelings, but I’d like to know how I could explore them without putting myself in situations that might make me super uncomfortable? Clearly just my fantasies don’t reflect what I want irl.

Anyway, afterward I still hung out with them according to plan and acted like normal. The problem is after this, I kinda need some space now from anything that reminds me of the experience… which includes my friend and sex (I don’t even want to touch my realistic packer!) I don’t want talk (text) them at all and I don’t know how long this feeling will last.

I don’t know how they are feeling about it. But based on the way they’ve described their experiences I think they’re pretty fearless with sex (as in they probably didn’t feel any repulsion like mine). They seem to have enjoyed our hangout after, even saying ‘ily’ (which we sometimes say to each other in text).

I will be moving out of the country in about a week (but will def come back to visit my home), but if they ask me to hang out again before then I don’t think I’d like to see them…

Hi blu_envy,

I’m sorry to hear that the experience did not go as you had hoped. Sexual desire and arousal can be complicated with who we find attractive and arousing at a given moment or not and it’s totally fine if you don’t fully understand why at the moment. It can take time to sort through those feelings. I think what’s more important from what you wrote is that you are feeling pretty clear on the fact that you are not wanting to pursue anything more sexual with them and that you’re needing a little bit of space while you process the experience. Do you feel comfortable responding if they do ask to hang out in the next week, like with something along the lines of you need a little space before you leave the country?

When you say you experienced repulsion can you talk a little bit more about what you mean by that? For example, was it a visceral feeling of discomfort, a lack of physical arousal, or something else? And in what contexts have you experienced pleasure before?

For how you could explore your sexuality more, a good place to start would be to read more about different identities and experiences to see if anything resonates with you. We have a lot of resources and if you want we can link a couple of articles for you if that's of interest.

I think I might respond with something more vague and generic but not a lie. That I’ve been going through something and hanging out with others are overwhelming right now. I think I still do care for them, but I don’t feel it… I’m just trying to resolve this in a way without hurting them bc it feels like basic human decency… It’d be pretty ridiculous if I just gave up years of best-friendship because of this… But this experience has only been magnifying all the traits I dislike most about them and I just want to not think about them at all…
I avoid saying anything that might allude that my current negative feelings are associated to our experience, since they’re just pretty self-conscious and have always talked about being insecure that they’re undesirable in all the ways… I know it’s not ideal but it doesn’t feel like I have a choice. If I do (let them know that the experience caused this), likely they will accept it like it’s no big deal, perhaps a bit apologetically, but no doubt it’ll sink them further into their insecurities.
It would suck even more especially since I was the one who asked for this… And to let this hurt both of us when it was all my choices

Hmm, I’m not sure where my repulsion is exactly focused on. I’m only very sure that it’s the same feeling as my first try before, though in a smaller amount I think. (The first try was way worse than this, bc we were rlly young with no info from sex ed. I felt so repulsed that I cut contact with the person immediately after, tho he was just a pretty casual friend)
I don’t know which aspect of sex it was- The AMAB genitals (they were AMAB folks both times, I’ve never tried with anyone AFAB)? The messiness? Or just general physical intimacy (I don’t usually touch anyone at all)?
I guess it’s that sense of disgust + dirtiness the way purity/taboo culture describes sex with. It made sense when I was so much younger during my first try, but it’s been so many years I thought I had gotten a relatively informed & nuanced view on sex that I wouldn’t feel this way. Would I just never feel anything but this numbess+repulsion during sex??

Yes those links might be helpful! I think I’m pretty read up on the popular queer labels, but I need help on finding what I really want just by myself, thoughts vs real wants. I’ve felt sexual attraction often and had a high sex drive since I can remember (to all sorts of genders), but it’s shocking how this all came to a halt under something so simple (and vanilla even).

Hi blu_envy,

It sounds like you still value your relationship with this person, but may just need a bit of space to process everything. I think you're on the right track with communicating about your feelings in an honest way.

As for experiencing repulsion during sex, did you notice if some parts felt repulsive, while other parts felt okay, or even pleasurable? I've noticed from the pacing of this thread that everything seemed to have happened pretty quickly. Was this also the case with the first person you had sex with?

I'm happy to hear you're interested in reading up on some resources. In terms of finding out what you really want, have you tried masturbation before? Masturbation can be a great way to figure out what you want sexually without the pressure that may come from a partnered sexual experience. Also, would you be interested in exploring intimacy in ways that don't involve the type of sex you're having? Starting out with cuddling, kissing, or holding hands can help you decide what feels good with another person. I know you mentioned not touching people very often, so I understand if this feels like a barrier. To get started reading up on intimacy and desire, I've compiled some of our resources here:

Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots
Untangling a Gender, Attraction and Relationships Tangle
Hey Hot Stuff: On Attraction, Desirability, and "Types"

Let me know if anything from these articles stands out to you!

No, I’m sure that no parts of it felt good or arousing When I felt that the atmosphere didn’t turn me on, I just focused on at least making us orgasm with the physical actions, but we couldn’t get there either.

I’m not sure what counts as “quickly” but the process from texting to sex was similar both times yes. Both times, we never had any physical contact beforehand and got there mostly through chatting online. We slowly got more comfortable chatting about our sexual preferences through our casual conversations, and found out we’re somewhat compatible.
Thinking back about this + reading the intimacy article, I’ll definitely take slower steps in physical intimacy next time I get a chance at sex.

Yes! I’ve always had an intense libido (even more so after testosterone) and have started to masturbate before I even knew what it was! Not only that, I’ve gotten used to masturbating to some extremely kinky contents, that’s why I had no idea that I could be so repulsed by sex that is so simple and vanilla. And that’s why I don’t think I can figure out what I want irl through just masturbation.

I’ve read the other two articles and unfortunately I think they talk about things I already believe in. I haven’t relied on labels to define my attraction for a good while now (but I had bisexual as a placeholder). And I know it’s ok for my orientation to be unusual and confusing! Though, at this stage, I’d still like to find some labels to ground these feelings and to find more specific suitable resources. I’d like to find out if the bad feelings I felt come from some sort of repressed(?) sexual trauma or I’m simply not sexually attracted to male-aligned people or if it’s something else. Would you be able to help me with that or is it something I just need to go explore with experience?

Hi blu_envy,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here! I'm glad that Amanda's post and resource recommendations resonated with you.

You mentioned that you got used to masturbating to kinky content and dislike the vanilla sex you tried irl, do you think that finding a partner that is interested in the same kinky content and is open to trying it with you would make sex more enjoyable?

To answer your last question, we could work on figuring out this together, but I think you know yourself best. We cannot tell you who you are or are not attracted to, but we can provide you with the proper identifiers and experiences so you can decide if they fit you or not. However, I don't think it would hurt to explore, as long as you feel comfortable and are doing it safely! Also, you mentioned repressed sexual trauma--if you feel comfortable, could you explain this a bit more? We're happy to help, but we might have to dig a bit further and we want to respect your comfort levels and privacy.

Hii

Well theoretically I’m open to stuff in the far future! But I don’t think it not being kinky enough was the problem, since I was straight up repulsed by anything sex-related. I’ve had to slowly regain my sex drive these few days and couldn’t even think about my own genitals in the beginning…

Sexual trauma- not that I experienced anything abusive that should be related to this. But the first try at sex I mentioned- I was about 13- and I ended up feeling really disgusted and dirty, I’m sure a lot of it is also shock from seeing the opposite genitalia for the first time. I’ve only ever brought it up with my therapist and the friend I just slept with here because it feels pretty embarrassing (ik it’s not supposed to!).
So now years passed and I think I got over the memory and I just attributed all that repulsion to me being too young and unready. But I felt that same repulsion again this time, and it felt distinctively similar. I don’t know if you can call that trauma but I wondered if the same emotional reaction was caused from the first experience.

Hi blu_envy,

If you don't mind me asking, when you spoke to your therapist about your experience, what did they say about it? Do you think it might be beneficial to talk about this recent experience with your therapist and see what they think is going on?

I can't tell you exactly if that emotional reaction came from the first experience. It might've, but I'm also thinking about what Amanda said about taking it slow and looking into exploring intimacy in other forms before going straight into sex. That way you can go into it with ease and a sense of comfort with the other person. Also, you mentioned that you might be on the asexual spectrum, which could also be the case. I feel like there are multiple things that could go into this, but then again, you know yourself best! What are your thoughts now?

When I raised it to my therapist, it was me mentioning it as a past event that doesn’t bother me anymore, I just said it for her to note down for future context so I wasn’t asking for advice. I’m not against telling her honestly but we just don’t usually go into topics about my sex life / sexual health so I’ll just see how comfortable I feel telling them next time.

It’s ok! I know I have the rest of my life to experiment and I’m not desperate to start any relationships. I guess all I can do now is to take physical steps slow like I said, when it does come up. Until then I’ll just leave this exploration on hold and see how my social life develops.

I think right now I’m more concerned with how to feel comfortable with my friend again… The repulsion has been fading away and I’m in touch with my sex drive again, and can wear my packer again, but I don’t feel comfortable interacting with them even online. I’m more motivated to avoid them than explain everything… Is it bad for me to just be silent while I still need more space? How should I even go about telling them? From what I understand, they’re the type of person to have never felt sexual fear and have willingly participated in risky experiences, so I don’t think they’d understand my panic.

Hi blu_envy,

I think a useful question in figuring out your next steps in interacting with this friend again is to figure out what you would need in order to feel comfortable with that. Does it feel like you do just need time and space? Or is there something else that isn't happening right now that you'd need in order to feel that comfort again?

Hi :] sry for the lack of news! I’ve slowly started to talk to them again and now feel as comfortable with them as before. I even feel like joking about the experience sometimes. I guess I really just had to wait it out.

Thanks for all the help from you staffs! And excuse me if I got paranoid at least I know now

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