i feel broken and defective

[SillyMcGoof_]

i feel broken because no matter how hard we try we dont like penetration and cant ejaculate. almost every single porn we watch featuring someone with a vulva, they always seem to get so much pleasure from vaginal or anal penetration and/or ejaculate but we dont. it feels weird for us but for everyone else it seems to feel amazing.

always seeing people in nsfw media get so much pleasure from penetration and ejaculating makes us feel so broken. we only really like stimulation of our external genitals and it makes us feel like we’re defective, and it makes things boring after a while because theres only so much you can do with em. we never know how to make things fun again because we’re very limited with our recourses and positions, and fantasy is really hard for us.

i know that a lot people dont get too much pleasure from vag penetration but when all you see in porn is the opposite it makes things harder ig. idk sorry for venting and rambling i just don’t really know where else to go to.

[Sam W]

Hi SillyMcGoof_,

I'm sorry that this is all leaving you feeling broken and defective. The first thing I want to emphasize is that focusing on vaginal intercourse or showing it to be the MOST fun part of sex is one of those places where porn just isn't reflective of real life; we know that most people experience what you do, which is that external stimulation is way more pleasurable than inserting things into the vaginal canal.

Too, even if your experience was on the rarer side, that wouldn't be a sign you were broken; there is a ton of diversity in terms of how bodies experience sexual pleasure, any no one experience is the "correct" one while the others defective, you know?

It does sound like it may be time to take a break from porn, since it only seems to be feeding those negative thoughts about your own body. Does that break sound like something you can do?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi! thank you, i do feel a bit better about everything now.

i could try to take a break from porn, but it’s tricky bc i usually cant really get aroused or anything without it. our brain isn’t the best at fantasizing on its own so we kinda rely on it for that so ig its just tricky.

[Michaela]

Hi SillyMcGoof!

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better about everything now. I wanted to pop into this thread this article (How to approach sexual fantasy on your own) which dives into sexual fantasies a little bit more. It has some tips that you may find helpful and some considerations to be aware of like the environment you are in both physically and mentally.

Do any of the suggestions in the article seem like things you could try?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi!! thanks! although the link you provided doesn’t seem to be working at least on my end unfortunately :[

i have read a few articles on here about this topic though. its i guess hard for me to remember to try these things and put the time in, partially because its hard for me to switch up my routines bc of my autism, and partially because i forget to do certain things a lot, which could be caused by my suspected adhd. i will continue to try the suggestions i find when i have time and remember, though. although if you have any suggestions on how to make stuff like that easier lmk! thanks :]

[SillyMcGoof_]

oh also i forgot to mention!! its also difficult to like see what we’re into and stuff because we’re a system and we all are into different stuff (or nothing at all) so that makes it a bit more tricky

[Sam W]

With the difficulty focusing or forgetting things, I wonder if some of the advice in this thread might actually help you out: viewtopic.php?t=11783. Too, do you think there's any merit to writing down the things you want to try, or want to remember for future masturbation?

When you think about how that need for routine influences masturbation, is it that it makes it harder to introduce new things into the masturbation habits you're used to? Adjust how you fit masturbation into your schedule? Something else?

In case you need it, I think this link to the article Michaela gave you should work: How to Understand, Identify and Make Choices About Desire

[SillyMcGoof_]

hiya! thanks!! i’ll definitely check that out. also, i think writing down things might help, but its a bit hard to remember to do that sometimes.

for the second question, i guess its a bit of both. its a bit tricky to add other things, and also find the time to do those things.

i guess its just a bit hard for us to figure out what we like, and translate it into sexual fantasy. its especially hard trying to imagine ourselves in those scenarios, bc plurality n stuff makes it more complicated. i guess i feel at a bit of a loss bc i’ve read a bunch of things about fantasy and even though they’re all helpful i still cant seem to get everything to work and wrap my head around everything if that makes sense. its like no matter what its still super hard for us. idk its just all so tricky

[Sofi]

Makes sense, and it sounds like you've tried different things already. I'm glad you're open to trying to write things down, I do think that might be helpful! I also wonder if fantasizing on your own doesn't work, what about a different type of sexual media than the porn you usually watch? There are other visual kinds, like comics, or there's books, as well as videos that break the traditional porn style (you can search up "feminist porn" to get an idea). Do you think trying some of these out could help?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hmm i could try that! i usually watch videos or look at nsfw art, so i could look for something different. its tough bc i also really wanna try to learn how to fantasize on my own and stuff im just not really sure how to do it ig.

[Michaela]

Hi SillyMcGoof,

Sorry, that link I shared above didn’t work. The article Sam linked to is also great but I was wanting to highlight this one because it goes through a couple steps about engaging in fantasy yourself since that sounds like that is what you are most interested in. I’ll let you take a look at the full article but some of the things it mentioned are being more mindful to notice what feels good and is pleasurable, adding music, changing the environment, and masturbating with eyes closed.

Do you enjoy writing, drawing, or making playlists? Each of those activities could also be shaped into tools for creating your own fantasies.

I also what to acknowledge that we've mentioned a lot of suggestions and you've said that you've done some other reading too which can then make it all feel a little overwhelming to try out so many new things during masturbation. Is there one, maybe two things that sound the most intriguing to you that you might want to focus on how you could integrate them or explore them further?

[SillyMcGoof_]

its ok!! i’ll definitely take another look at that article!! thanks!

i usually draw but its a bit tricky bc im not the best at posing and anatomy atm. im not the worst but also not amazing at it haha!

hmmm im not sure what sounds most intriguing. i guess it depends on what types of things you’re referring to!