Scarleteen

hi. ive been wanting to talk about this for a while but i’ve been hesitating so i guess i’ll just get it done now.

i’ve been going back and fourth on whether or not ive been abused for years now atp, almost everyone i’ve talked to about it has said i have been but idk im worried that im overreacting or something and i guess i want an opinion from someone more knowledgeable than me i guess.

so i guess the first things i’ll talk about is the stuff with my sister. i may miss or forget some details bc trauma makes you forget things and stuff but yeah. i guess for some context rn shes about 27-28 i think, and im 14. she also has some mental stuff, such as bipolar 1 and panic disorder (not saying this as a “mentally ill people bad” thing but i just think it could be something to note)

my whole life she hasn’t treated me that great. she would constantly disregard my feelings, belittle me, gaslight me when i called her out, manipulate me, talk about extremely inappropriate subjects around me, be mean to me, and probably much more. this was made especially apparent when her ex bf moved in a few years ago (he doesn’t live here anymore tho). they would constantly fight and scream and she would always completely disregard my feelings and would get angry when i told her how i felt. after a while i got sick of being treated like this so i wrote her a letter. i forget the exact contents but it was very long, about essay length, and it was basically me calling out her behavior and talking about how i felt and stuff. i eventually sent it and nothing was said about it. i remember tho that someone brought it to my attention that her behavior was caused by her ex (although i feel like it was at least mutually abusive, if not most of the abuse being on her part. i havent talked to her ex in ages so im not sure of his side of the story). i felt terrible and felt like i was in the wrong, so i told her i was sorry (for what idk), and only then she said something, no sorry, no accountability, the only thing she did was come into my room and hug me and give a “thank you”. no apology or accountability whatsoever. she just made it a pity party for herself. there’s probably many more instances of stuff like this happening but i don’t remember the others much rn.

the problem is though, she’s not always like this. she’s nice sometimes and idk if its genuine or just trying to manipulate me more. i feel like im going crazy because if shes nice sometimes how can she be bad?? also her bad behavior hasn’t been as prevalent which makes me feel crazy for feeling the way i do aswell.

my mom also says its not intentional and not abuse when everyone else i’ve talked to about it said the opposite and idk what to believe.

im just so full of hatered and anger because of what she’s done to me. i want her out of my life entirely but i cant escape. but i may just be overreacting idk.

idk. does it sound like abuse? am i just overreacting? am i in the wrong?

oh god now im worried that this wasn’t the best thing to talk about. i dont wanna like get taken away from my family or anything because of this :[

Hi SillyMcGoof_,

So, really quick: in my time here, we've only ever had to involve child services in a user's situation one time, and it was an instance where there was ongoing danger and we'd exhausted all our other options. Involving CPS is not something I, or anyone else here, takes lightly.

There are a few different elements of this situation that sound like it's making things extra difficult to tease out. For starters, is this an ongoing pattern of behavior? Did it happen before her ex was living with you all, and does it still happen now? Too, what did that manipulation and being mean to you generally involve?

I will say that it's common for abusive people, or even just people who are mean or toxic in some way, to not be like that all the time. That's part of why it can be so difficult to recognize or leave abuse sometimes; because there a moments of affection or happiness that can make you feel like you must have misunderstood the instances where they hurt you.

ok thanks, thats a relief. i had a situation almost a year ago when a ex therapist called child services (it was for a dumb reason not anything actually that serious dw) so that definitely made me a lot more worried and paranoid when it comes to talking about this sort of stuff.

also yeah thats why its been so hard for me to figure out whats going and why i came here for a second opinion (technically more like a 500th opinion lol) and stuff bc its just all so complicated and stressful (that sounds kinda passive aggressive i swear i didn’t mean it that way. i really appreciate yall’s help and opinions and stuff). that last sentence you said really hits close to home for me though

I'm glad you feel like you can talk about things here and like our opinions have been helpful!

With your sisters behavior, what her manipulation and being mean to you generally look like. And did you notice the behavior started or intensified when her boyfriend was living in the house? Or does it seem like she sort of goes in a cycle where she gets really bad, then blows up, then tries to be nice again only for things to gradually get worse?

uhh i would say its a bit of both. her awful behavior has always been present for my whole life. it did get a bit worse when her bf was here because of all the fights and stuff but in general its a cycle where she’ll be really bad and blow up or act out and just generally really awful but then be all nice and act like nothing ever happened and so on if that makes sense

Hey there -- can you explain a little more about the manipulation you've experienced from her? Is it more that you call her out and she gaslights you into thinking you're overreacting, or have there been specific instances?

i’ll try to explain the best i can because my memory is pretty fuzzy. basically its mainly a lot of “feel bad for me”, “you’re actually in the wrong not me”, acting like nothing ever happened, maybe pretending to care and be nice but im not 100% sure on that, and “i didn’t do that you’re crazy” if that makes sense. i may be forgetting some things because again memories are fuzzy but yeah

Hi there -- just another clarifying question: has the behavior gotten better at all since the bf left?

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. From what you have described, it sounds like gaslighting to me and I'm sure it's really hurtful to not get any accountability or an apology for what has happened. I want to share an article that might help give some background and advice (the person who wrote it discusses a romantic relationship but I think the advice can be applied to any relationship): https://www.scarleteen.com/article/abus ... _emotional

hmm i guess slightly?

there’s a lot more that happened than just manipulation and gaslighting and stuff but my brain is a bit fuzzy rn bc i just woke up.

i’ll definitely take a look at that article later! thanks!

Hey SillyMcGoof,

I just read through and I wanted to ask what your sister's behavior, and how we/you might define it means to you?

People can be hurtful to eachother in many different ways, and identifying abusive cycles within those behaviours can help us get free of the hold an abusive person can have over us. But also something doesn't have to be called abusive for us to be allowed to not like it.

This might be something to go into deeper with a therapist, but sounds like your feelings around this relationship are maybe what you are working through here, more than strict definitions?

hiya!! sorry for the late response i’ve just been thinking about things.

i guess it would just help me identify what’s really happening so i can stop questioning everything and figure out what to do going forward, aswell as possibly confirming my suspicions

i do hopefully have my first therapy appointment tomorrow with my new therapist (if they dont cancel at the last minute this time and ghost us) so hopefully i can work things out better there. although i am a bit worried about it because i feel like i need to really be careful of what i say because of the situation with my ex therapist calling cps that i mentioned earlier

Is your sister still living in the house? If not, then if you make that clear from the start -- that this person isn't living with you anymore -- that should take care of that.

I also think it's always a good idea, just so you can make your own informed choices, to ask a therapist what their protocols are around both your privacy and safety, and what things shared might result in a call like that. I think it's best to know so you can build real trust, but also only share things where you feel like you can presently live with any possible consequences. Therapy is supposed to be about improving your life, after all.

yeah she is. most of the time shes with her bf but im always so anxious and on edge and i just generally feel so awful when shes here.

also yeah i’ll probably do that!

Okay.

So, I do think it's worth thinking about that if she is still in your home and hurting you, SOME kind of intervention might actually be helpful. Something, for instance, like a therapist talking to your parents about how it might be best for you for them to ask this adult who is doing you harm to move out and live independently.

But again, that is maybe consideration for when you have worked with this therapist a while. Do know that until then, if a minor child is reporting abuse in the home that is current, then just about any therapist anywhere is mandated to report that. That's because it's their job to be as sure as they can their clients are safe.

i’ve already practically begged my mom to kick her out multiple times but to no avail unfortunately. dont get me wrong i love my mom and shes great but when it comes to that stuff she’s not the best

also yeah i know. although surprisingly nobody has called anyone for that before, the one time a therapist called cps was for something that was already said and done and i wasn’t in any immediate danger (my therapist told them a bunch of bs too but also thats a whole other topic)

While you're in the process of building the relationship with your therapist and ask for their help with all this, do you have ways to be out of the house or otherwise away from your sister when she's there, just to minimize the stress her presence can cause?

i can take walks but that’s about all i can think of rn

Walks sound like a good starting place! For the time being, the more you can limit your contact with her, or the times you have to share the house with her, the likely you're better to feel.

mhm. its a bit tricky bc i can only really handle like 15 minute walks (and i only really know one route)

my dream i guess is to eventually go no contact at least for a while. its not really possible rn but hopefully someday

Hi there, SillyMcGoof

Hmm, that does seem a bit tricky, though it isn't nothing. Just to throw out some suggestions, do you think your mother would help you spend time outside of the house when your sister is around by dropping you off at a friend's home/an activity/the library, etc.? Or would she support you closing your room and asking not to be disturbed? (Would any of those be comfortable options for you?)

You don't have to say that you want those things because your sister is around- you could give an excuse.

so so sorry for the super late response!!!! ive been busy with stuff and i just totally forgot

i cant really get my mom ro do anything bc she works from like 6:30 am to 5pm. i could probably chill by myself in my room but i usually have a decent amount of responsibilities at home like watching the pets and stuff

Are at least some of the responsibilities you have at home things you could do in your room, or somewhere that wouldn't put you in direct contact with your sister? Too, if you have any friends you like to spend time with, maybe their parent could help with transportation, even if it's just you going to that friend's house for a few hours to study or hang out?

most of the responsibilities i have are more around the house things, so not really, unless im cleaning my room.

too, i dont currently have any irl friends, well, besides my brother (me and my mom are trying to work stuff out with that tho) so i unfortunately currently dont have that option. also i worry about spending too much time out of the house as one of my responsibilities is taking care of the animals, and not being able to watch them and make sure everythings ok causes a lot of anxiety

apologies if im being difficult at all, its all just really tricky

It's okay! Sometimes the logistics of our lives are really tricky. It sounds like, for the time being, one strategy might be to just try and avoid your sister as much as you can when you're both in the house. Since it sounds like you at least have a room that's yours, you can also decide to do things like leave whatever shared space you're both in if she starts being mean to you, but stay if you're both just minding your own business. You could also see if you can time the activities or responsibilities you have around the house to happen while she's away at her boyfriend's or otherwise not around.

If she goes out of her way to follow you or be around you for the express purpose of being unkind, then that brings us back to this needing to be a bigger conversation with you and your mom about this.