Scarleteen

So, I already posted a little about my (possible) COCSA experience and the answers were very helpful, but that was me asking whether what I did was abuse or not. Now, I’m kind of confused about if what happened to me was COCSA.

Does it still count as sexual abuse if I consented? We were both the same age (7/8) and she didn’t coerce me, but she did know more about sex and social relationships than I did. I know that she did it deliberately for sexual gratification because it happened consistently for about a year (I think) and she used to tell me stories about doing the same things to other girls.

I don’t remember if I knew it was sexual or not, I don’t think I did. I knew it was supposed to be hidden because she made us do it in secret and I remember being afraid of getting in trouble, but I think I viewed it more as just something close friends did rather than us “dating” or having sex. But then again, does ANY 7/8 year old fully understand sexual relationships?

I don’t want to assume bad intentions, but sometimes I think she knew that I didn’t fully understand it was sexual and used that to take advantage of me. I know she took advantage of me in other ways and she kind of bullied me. Like, she would make fun of me a lot and belittle me. She would also coerce me into lying to people, partly to prevent her from getting in trouble, but also because she thought it was fun to spread rumours and make people look bad (especially my family). She even physically assaulted me one time because I had played with one of her stuffed animals.

I also remember I started having behavioural issues during it, but I didn’t think they were related until I got older. I also don’t remember feeling upset during it, but a little while after it stopped I felt really ashamed of myself. I remember one day a short time after it stopped, I was thinking about what happened and started crying really hard because I felt like I was a “bad kid”, I almost felt like she “corrupted” me. And years after it stopped I was still feeling horrible about what happened. I remember being around 11 years old and crying and wishing that I could travel back in time and stop it from happening.

I feel like I was taken advantage of, but I feel weird saying that because she didn’t physically force me, threaten me, or even get angry with me if I didn’t do what she asked. Is it fair for me to call it abuse?

Hi there.

So, when we're not talking about making reports or courts of law, I think it's generally best to try and identify these things based on how the people who experienced them feel.

I want to offer you a few things that I think might help you think through this for yourself:

1) When we talk about abuse, we are generally talking about intentional behaviour meant to control and/or harm. And for sure, little kids can do that, though I'll generally suggest that we don't hold children to the same standards we would hold adults to for a handful of reasons. That said, I hear you here describing what sound like a few different kinds of, if not abusive, harmful behaviours: bullying, physical assault, emotional and social abuses and manipulations, as well as the sexual behaviours you mentioned. I do think that, regardless of what this person did or didn't understand then -- and chances are good given her age that these behaviours were probably learned in her own family system and were being mimicked -- you have made clear that there was abuse.

2) Sexual abuse, like all other kinds of abuse, is complex. Physical force isn't required for it to be abuse, nor is anger or threats. I would suggest that in thinking about this, you look at the whole picture -- not just the sexual parts -- and also, most of all, look at your feelings and reactions. The way you expressed feeling, then and now, aren't generally ways people feel in wanted, healthy interactions.

3) We can be abused by our peers, whatever our age. Again, I do think we want to think about children's behaviour differently than an adult's, or even an adolescent, but while abuse dynamics between children aren't the same as those between children and adults, or adults and adults, abuse between children can still exist.

4) What if you think about this as only being something for yourself that, for now, stays here, or with you: think about naming this as not needing to be "fair" or not because it will have zero impact on anyone else BUT you. When you put those concerns on the shelf, and just center your own feelings, experiences and needs, what feels like the right name for this for you?