horny? dont know her..

[acearohanda]

hail and well met

ive been searching around for answers in why i physically dont feel anything in all my bits (i can come but outside of the orgasm i dont feel anything. even with fingers its more registering the touch my hands feel vs vice versa) and well everything keeps saying WHEN YOU'RE AROUSED okay cool

so ive never been horny a day in my life. full disclosure im afab, probably acearo, and have had a hysterectomy and only have one ovary floating around but this has been a lifetime issue. and like i LOVE horny fictional content reas it nonstop. but still never get horny at least i dont think so. like ..even being ace most aces srill have libido and can enjoy sex things even if solo (obviously some are sexrepulsed.)

i dunno i guess just. haa. what's wrong with me?

[Sam W]

Hi acearohanda,

I want to start by saying that there's nothing wrong with you; human brains and bodies respond to things in a huge variety of ways, and even if the way you experience (or don't experience) something isn't that common, that isn't a sign something is broken or wrong about your body and its responses.

One thing that stands out to me is that, from the sound of it, you're able to reach orgasm. What do those orgasms generally feel like? And how do you usually arrive at them?

Too, when you think about arousal, what do you expect it to feel like? How does that compare to how you feel when you read sexual content?

[acearohanda]

hrm idk i mean how do you describe an orgasm? like theres 3 seconds of cant quite breathe feels good and then nothing. not satisfied not like relieved and boneless. usually just depressed bc im supposed to feel good have feel good release and nope. i guess i dont know what you mean by how do i arrive there. clitorally usually? sometimes vaginally or anally (with a vibe p sure its actually stimulating somewhere in the vag.)? but nothing really feels good and usually not much at all. just sorta slightly itchy vs absolutely nothing and sometimes i dont even get that much. then i come.

i dont know what to expect when i feel horny bc...never have? i guess I'd expect to get wet and a little breathless and increased heartrate and idk something?? sometimes when reading horny content I'll like read a line/see a panel thats especially good and will get the stomach drop feeling but thats it and it passes p much immediately.

real bummer that i dont get to experience like feeling good and having release and being all noodly and satisfied and brainless for a little while like everyone else.

[Sofi]

So I think it's important to mention that not everyone else feels those things - in fact, tons of people have never had an orgasm at all, or have never felt "horny" either. On top of that, those things feel different for everyone. The way they're typically described is just sort of a general way that many people relate to, but not the standard or even necessarily the most common way. So while I understand wanting to feel those things, and it's valid for you to be feeling like you're missing out, it's definitely not just you and there's nothing wrong with not feeling them (yet, perhaps - for some people it just happens later in life or very sporadically). For example, many people don't get wet when they get aroused. Also many people have an orgasm similar to yours - there's a release and it feels good, then not much afterwards. The question here, then, is are you willing to explore new or different ways to feel pleasure even if they don't look like you expected them to? Perhaps there are other things that can feel good but not in the way you read about/see on most sexual media. Would that be something you're open to?

[acearohanda]

i guess depends on what it looks like? feels like theres a lot of limitations when i don't and will never have a partner. and i guess its hard for me to understand like what that would even look like. i guess i would need elaboration is what im saying haaa. also for the record im 34 despite what my brain tells me most days...also realizing that might mean I'm not allowed here

[Sam W]

Hi acearohanda,

You're still welcome here! As far as elaboration, I'm actually going to start by asking you what masturbation normally looks like for you. What does it involve? Does it tend to follow a set pattern? Involve sex toys? Do you tend to use the same pieces of sexual media over and over or do you involve a lot of variety? Is it a full body experience or do you focus mainly on your genitals?

[acearohanda]

these days its usually just a vibe like outer labia for a short period then clit. (partially bc gripping will exacerbate my hand injuries if done too long.) sometimes some fingers in the ass. if im wanting to do more (which usually leads to more depression bc wasted time and needed showers) i might do some anal stretching/toys. sometimes a vibe in there to make me come (it kinda gives me a weird like pride that i could come that way even if i don't feel anything.) i USED to make it a bigger event. like ive got a drawer full of monster dicks (species not size) and would take my time stretching my ass and using them and eventually settling for making myself come with my clit. sometimes vaginal penetration instead bc i can come from it with a toy with enough work (i think actually its just bumping my clit enough.) but like even two fingers can be sting-y around the entrance. any penetration usually leaves me a little crampy...despite having no organ to cramp???? but i dont usually go big anymore bc i didn't get anything extra out of it except usually more depressed that i wasted time and now have to clean many toys.

as for media i usually stick to boys love/yaoi mangas/animations. sometimes with sounds if i can find them. otherwise just the horny arts that suit my taste? i dont really do real people porn bc it feels very acted (i mean it is) and usually looks painful and tbh i just dont really have any attraction to real people (i think theres a word for that, being attracted to fictional characters.)

[Sofi]

It's sounding to me like one of the things causing frustration is that the act of masturbation is being framed around the orgasm part of it, which is just one part of it (and to many people, not even part of it at all). It would help to see masturbating as a fun and/or sexy act that helps you relax and/or release tension, for example, rather than the end goal being to orgasm. If you can enjoy the act as a whole, then you won't be disappointed afterwards and feel like you got little out of it, because you did an activity you enjoyed and that's never a waste of time! Does that make sense?

[acearohanda]

it does but i guess that's the problem. the framing around orgasm is a byproduct bc like. i don't enjoy it bc i dont feel anything else outside of orgasm. (which makes my brain cycle back around to ah my body is broken)

[Carly]

Hey acecrohanda -- how's the feeling in other parts of your body? Your nipples or other sensitive areas, for example? Have you ever incorporated those? I'm wondering if a new sensation can help a bit.

Also, when you say you used to make masturbation more of a to-do... when did that change?

[acearohanda]

i don't actually have nipples anymore after top surgery but i never had feeling in them either. hmm idk exactly when that changed? past couple years?

[Michaela]

Hi acearohanda,

I want to pop in with another suggestion and see what you think about it. Because you’ve mentioned that you’re having trouble finding pleasure with masturbation and there is a lot of focus on reaching orgasm how would you feel about taking a step back from masturbating to working on tuning into sensing pleasure? What I mean by this is taking a little bit of the pressure off your body to have to create this amazing “oh wow” orgasm and instead start connecting with pleasure in other parts of your life and slowly moving back towards masturbation. What are some other things you do in your daily routine that bring you a sense of pleasure or fulfillment? (ex: taking a warm bath, making a specific meal, a song that makes your heart beat faster....)

[acearohanda]

ironically I'd actually really rather that i enjoy the masturbating leading up to orgasm rather than like needing to alter the orgasm itself. i want to be able to feel good (vs feeling nothing) outside of those 3 secs of orgasm.

as for things i enjoy. haaaa. well that's where it gets fun i guess. bc i don't really feel anything emotionally. and no longer enjoy or love anything. i still watch a lot of anime and ""enjoy"" all the gay shipping/gay nsfw fics (heavy quotes bc its not really enjoy its like just a slightly different kind of empty.) been that way for like 8 years no docs/therapists seem to know what's going on meds didn't work. but that brings it to a whole new amalgamation of "what's wrong with me no one knows~♪" outside of my lack of sexual feeling (which i had prior to my brain /fully/ breaking bad.)

[Sam W]

Hi acearohanda,

Ooof, okay, so it sounds like a lot of what you're describing in this thread has some connection to that overall loss of pleasure and enjoyment. And it sucks that not only are you dealing with that, but that so far the healthcare you've been able to link up with hasn't been able to help you address the core cause. Too, it can be so frustrating to keep trying things that used to, or that you feel should, bring you pleasure or make you happy and finding that they're not generating that response.

I do want to say that, while we can certainly help brainstorm some ways of maybe tapping back into those emotions, or help you find some resources about navigating sex and masturbation with anhedonia, we might be limited in how much we can help you with this by the fact that most mental health stuff is outside of the scope we can really help with.

[acearohanda]

i will say the lack of feeling anything sexually has been that way my whole life (who knows how much is related to lifetime emotional neglect or just...me?) haaa i would love ideas for how to help anything sexually/mentally/whatever (hell at this point if anyone has any ideas how to find a good doc in my area ill take it bc ive been through 5 gp in 2 years....)

[Carly]

Hey acearohanda -- I wanted to quickly return back to something I asked bit ago. You said you used to make masturbating more of a to-do, and you said that changed in the past couple of years. What else has happened in the last couple of years? Have you, for example, experienced any changes in your mental health or relationships? It sounds like there was a pretty clear shift, even if you've felt a little less sexually inclined for most of your life.

As for finding a good GP in your area, have you ever been a member of "queer exchange" groups on social media like Facebook? I find a lot of great recs in those groups. They have them for many cities and towns!

As for ideas on how to help tapping back into sexual/sensual feelings, I think you could start with How to Actually Date Yourself.

[acearohanda]

nothing really happened. i mean i had surgery (top+hysto) and that certainly made it easier to just like vibe one out vs a whole thing bc months of recovery but honestly i think i just got sick of wasting sometimes hours for nothing AND getting extra depressed for it. no relationships. mental health has been at its worse for 8 years.

unfortunately i cant access fb bc they suspended me before i even got my email confirmation for using a "fake" name bc of using my trans placeholder name

[Heather]

Hey there, acearohonda. I’ve been keeping up with your thread, but this is the first time I have popped into it myself, so hello.

Like Sam brought up, I do think it sounds like for the most part, the help that you’re looking for is something a therapist is going to be able to better provide than we are. Mental healthcare is just outside our abilities, and you and your posts make very clear to me that your mental health stuff and its impacts are the most likely root or biggest factor when it comes to the difficulties you’re reporting experiencing pleasure.

We can help you find that kind of care if you like, and we can also certainly support you while you’re engaging in it, and answer factual questions, but I think that besides those things, we’re at the end of the line with what we can offer you around this.

I’m around today and would be happy to start digging for some therapist options for you if you’re open to it and want that help.

[acearohanda]

guess i didnt think it would be mental since its always been this way (i mean yes okay emotional neglect and all that but I'm p sure most people who experience emotional neglect still can feel things and have a libido.)

problem with therapist is i need one on my insurance or that does a sliding scale. and is queer friendly. i have a great one but she only does cbt and it's done nothing (apparently not uncommon with cptsd and autism) seeing a new emdr one but i don't really care for her but shes the only emdr queer friendly on my insurance one i could find in my area. also turns out my disconnect from my body probably makes me not a candidate for emdr or somatic therapy. so since i cant think or have feelings or feel physically I'm i guess unhelpable. (and no, meds havent helped.) this thread took an unintended turn I'm sorry to have put any of this here.

[Heather]

I would disagree that you are unhelpable, nor that what you've said here means you are not a candidate for some of the kinds of therapies that might help here.

I'm still happy to help you look for a sliding scale, queer-friendly therapist to help with this in your area, or virtually, if you would like.

It might also help to know that actually most people with severe depression do not just keep having a desire for sex uninterrupted, or have really high-key sexual experiences. In fact, depression is one of the most common things that's at the root of issues like you've described.

(I also didn't get a chance to ask what, if any, hormone therapies you have been on since your hysto. Are you on estrogen or T?)

[acearohanda]

I would welcome any help looking for someone (preferably someone that'll do telehealth bc i'm still very aware of the pandemic.) i've actually been told by a therapist i'm not a candidate for emdr bc of my body disconnect and alexithymia (despite thats why i went for emdr in the first place...)

i did take T for about 6 months. pretty low dose bc i wanted something more like...well i said i wanted to be a prettyboy. like femboy. and we were trying to kinda take it slow so i didn't get the stuff i didn't want (facial hair, bottom growth--wasn't sure on the second one so was kinda time buyer) but really wanted like voice drop and like muscle/fat redistribution. but it gave me uncontrollable acne aaaand i started growing facial hair pretty good pretty fast so since i was only getting the stuff i didn't want i quit taking it. tho i now realize as i type it you're asking purely on hormonal related sex stuff. i still have one ovary so i am still producing estrogen (estrogen cream for atrophy made me cramp and bleed...despite not having anything to do that so i just use coconut oil or aloe gel to help prevent atrophy.) no estrogen bc i paid a lot of money to get get flat chested.

[Sofi]

Hi acearohanda, Heather is OOTO now and until Wednesday, but I didn't want you to think we forgot about you. They'll send you some resources when they're back, so for now can you provide me with some more info - mostly just where you're located (county and zip code), and any other info you think is relevant or important.

[acearohanda]

thank you this is appreciated. I'm in wyandotte county, 66106.

[Sam W]

Thanks for that! I did some searching, and found a few potential starting places for you in terms of finding accessible care.

These are a few individual therapists who seem like they might be a good fit: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/ther ... -ks/863811, https://inclusioncounselingandtherapy.clientsecure.me/, https://www.mosaicmentalhealthcare.com/.

The Trans Institute also offers individual counseling as one of their services, if you haven't looked into them before: https://transinstitute.org/

There's also a larger directory of LGBT therapists in your area here: https://lgbtguild.com/directory. Some of those look like a potentially good fit but didn't have individual websites I could pull out.

[acearohanda]

thank you!! I'll look into those (on a day i have more spoons than i have atm) i scanned over them and a couple look pretty promising. thank y'all for all the help. you guys do amazing things here.