Sex, Relationships, and Expectations

[spottedowl]

Sorry if this is in the wrong section.

So about 1.5 years ago I had a depressive/mildly psychotic episode involving sex and relationships, and basically making past romantic encounters and mild crushes more than they were and losing my connection with what actually happened. After therapy, becoming more social, and getting more experience tackling my life problems head on, I would say I’ve made great strides overcoming the episode and reclaiming my sexual fantasy life without it becoming any sort of disconnect from reality.
Yay! (Thanks to Scarleteen for prior help with that process )

So anyway, I’m starting to get more interested in dating, and I’m kinda not sure where to begin? My prior experience is none, I haven’t ever been kissed on been on a date. I’m straight and the closest I’ve had to a boyfriend is 5-6 male friends in high school. Actually, looking back it was more like low intensity flirting every single day, the only reason I was holding back from dating them was because my parents said no, I couldn’t decide whom to date, and I kinda liked the tension between us? They enjoyed teasing me, and I them, we came to each other a few times for advice etc. It was really fun, because we had this emotional closeness caused by this fun, flirty atmosphere, and knew a few deep emotional secrets but weren’t really friends in the context of knowing everyone’s interests and hanging out daily.
I don’t really know what to call that…close admirers?
Anyway, having that emotional connection is important to me. Despite never having sex, I know what I want to try, things like threesomes and light bdsm in addition to different sex positions, which is a bit more adventurous than many of my friends or family will admit to in public-though I guess that’s to be expected. I’d like to go slow when it comes to sex though.

Before my episode, I had this habit of comparing myself to others, and then putting myself down when I didn’t live up to their standards (still do this sometimes, less often though). This got especially bad when it came to sex and relationships, with me constantly feeling inferior because I hadn’t had sex or ever been in a “real” relationship aka one with a boyfriend.

Lately I’ve really been wondering why I’m so resistant to dating or having sex. Is it because I really don’t want to or because I think I shouldn’t because I have to be in love first or something? More and more I’m thinking it’s the second one, that I’m somehow still scared to fall completely in love and “lose common sense”.

And one last thing, I can’t seem to shake the urge to talk to my old like 6 years ago now guy friends and just try to process the high school age passion and drama. One of them broke up with me to marry another girl. The other I supported through an abusive stepdad, reporting to the police, and just talking to him after everything was okay. And I was truly,madly,deeply in love with them both. And I guess I just can’t accept my feelings as they are?

[Sam W]

Hi spottedowl,

Good to see you again!

I suspect that, as you continue to work through all the big stuff you've been dealing with, some of the feelings you have around dating will kind of clarify themselves. It sounds like you already know of the big things you want, including that you want to go slow when it comes to sex. Since you're expressing some concerns about losing yourself or your common sense in the big emotions that come with, I do think it might be sound to decide that, as you do dip your toe into flirting and dating, to just decide you're going to take the whole thing slowly.

As far as actually starting to date goes, are there things you're already trying out? Or are you at a place where you haven't started actively looking for dates?

When it comes to the guys from your past, when you think about reaching out to them to process things, what are you hoping will come of those conversations?

[spottedowl]

Taking the whole thing slowly does sound like good advice, thanks!

As far as dating goes, I haven’t tried anything yet, I just got my masters and graduated from college about a month ago, so I’ve been too busy searching for a job to do much on that. I also wasn’t very social in college, it’s only in the past year that I was joining clubs and making an effort to maintain friendships. I might be taking more grad classes in the city this fall though, so that’s a potential dating pool.

As far as what comes out of the conversation with my guy friends, 2 years ago I was just super lonely after various family medical problems, COVID lockdown, and failing some of my classes at college. So I guess on some level, I wanted them to fall back in love, or at least crush on me again. Obviously not realistic. Then a year ago I wanted validation, “yes all of that happened, you are fine”, but then I realized that all this time, people have been telling me that it’s okay to date/have feelings for people/love them, even if your parents don’t think you are ready or don’t approve, and I didn’t believe them until I finally utilized my independence and thought of myself as separate from my (well meaning but overprotective) parents vision of me. Now I guess I just want to share my insights on love and independence and just this deeply personal journey I’ve been having this past year-I’m realizing that a journal or the notes app on my phone might be a better place for that.

Now that I’m getting used to being more independent, living my own life on my own terms, I guess it’s easy to see that I thought I was too young/too immature/just plain couldn’t allow myself to deal with love and relationships even though I wanted to, which led me to block out the people and circumstances I had to deal with them in…literally. It wasn’t so much external shame, as me telling myself “I will never be mentally able to handle this rollercoaster of emotions”,when what my mom and parents actually said was more like “relationships can be complicated and we don’t want you getting hurt.”

Then there was the fact that all these relationships were queer platonic relationships, I don’t really want to label things but that’s the best way to understand them, and not many therapists or my parents for that matter are going to be like “so was it a hard breakup after you had deep conversations in a hallway 12 times.” When I told my parents last year they were more concerned about sex or kissing and didn’t really view it as a real relationship or understand how it could be that serious, a possibility he and I did talk about after high school ended.

The conclusion is I don’t think I should contact these guy friends, it’s no longer a question of what happened or didn’t happen. It’s kinda me processing how I felt throughout the whole two relationships and one year of being serious about it, which isn’t something they can help me with much. I’ve read your articles on first love and the love letter piece, they helped.

Any resources on asexual/queer platonic love? I don’t consider myself asexual but these relationships were really more emotional than physical.

[Nicole]

Hi spottedowl,

It's really fantastic to hear that you've come such a long way in your journey in love and independence. I think journaling would be great, but you are more than welcome to share your insights with us if you feel comfortable.

I understand that fight-or-flight feeling when it comes to love and relationships, especially when you're young. I think that we did what we thought was the most effective in the moment and we can only learn and grow from that. It seems like you've worked on this and that's all that matters!

I understand what you mean by describing those relationships as queer platonic. I don't think many people grasp the complexity of it because there may not have been an "official" title on the relationship (boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, etc.) or it wasn't a physical relationship. Because of this, it isn't viewed as deep as a romantic relationship. From outsiders' perspectives, it's just a casual friendship, but that's not an accurate description at all to the people involved in the relationship. I have my own experiences with this type of thing, so if you want to talk more about it, I'm all ears.

I'm glad you've reached a conclusion about contacting your friends. I think this just goes along with furthering your journey in love and independence.

Here are the resources we have on asexual/queer platonic love:

• Friends or Lovers? The Complexities of Queer Love

• Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer

• Sp[ace] Exploration: What Sexual People Can Learn from Asexual Communities

I'm not sure if the last link is exactly what you're looking for, but it might be worth reading. Let me know what you think!

[spottedowl]

There’s not a question here, just processing.
Hello,
Thanks for the articles, that last one did help and give me a point of view I had not considered before. I remember having conversations with one of my guy friends to the effect of “am I your zucchini”, or something asexual people would use to describe their relationships. I came to the conclusion that I was not asexual, but simply not ready to have a boyfriend at the time, because of external factors like what my parents would think.
But I’m beginning to realize there’s a big difference between not actually being ready for something and being ready just scared to do it because of what others might think or some other reason.Maturity is not about age, it’s about taking ownership of your own choices.
Remembering my grandma stories really helped with all my relationship anxiety. She grew up in 1950’s India where she was expected to follow the family’s rules on who to date and marry. When her dad said she could no longer see her first boyfriend, she went to bed crying over the separation. The next day, she went about business as usual until one of her friends asked her why she wasn’t still disappointed and crying, she said she couldn’t remember. She’d blocked out the guy in her mind out of obligation to her family. Her friends sat her down and told her to remember and honor the relationship, that she deserved that love and she had to claim it for herself because nobody else would do it for her.
After that she was slowly able to separate herself from her parental obligations and remember her past relationship while going on to get married to my grandfather.
Of course, it took me many more years than normal to finish gaining that independence from my parents in my thoughts, and accepting that there are some things my parents just will never understand. I think this was harder for me since my parents are so accommodating, loving, and genuinely make an effort to understand me. But still, I am my own person, and am independent.
I still think about these guys often, and all the advice they gave me on dating, breakups, and love. I think many of them must have web searched to find this site or ones like it, because their advice totally matched what’s on here. My favorite piece of advice I got when I asked if there were any books they recommended on the subject of dating, was “learn by doing.” I guess it’s kinda like riding a bike, you have to pedal and make mistakes and fall down and get back up, and you can’t do any of that by just reading about it.
Some moments we shared were intense. One time, I was in the area of this guy’s college, and randomly saw him and his friends walking outside, I said hi and went over to talk to the guy, and (I hoped) kiss him. I got consent for this kissing, but before it could happen, I guess I moved my arm some weird way, and since he’d been through abuse it seemed to him like I was going to hit him (I was just trying to move in for the kiss, we were both kinda far apart on this bench), and he immediately curled into a ball and started crying which was scary. I called for help, and we ended up both explaining to the police what went down.
Though I hope I never go through that again, it taught me important life skills and I’m not sorry I went through it anymore, although at the time I was horrified and trying to block it out.

I think I should make myself a remembrance playlist of songs that remind me of them, and songs about what they taught me, to kinda honor my feelings.

[Nicole]

Hi spottedowl,

I really like what you said here: "Maturity is not about age, it’s about taking ownership of your own choices." I had a similar conversation about something like this recently. I think you captured it perfectly in that sentence alone. Also, thank you for sharing the story about your grandmother. The message is very powerful. I think there's a lot that goes into letting yourself just enjoy and cherish things without the thought of external forces that are out of your control. I find myself having a hard time separating the expectations of my parents from my thoughts. There's always a slight underlying fear of how they will react to anything I do. I think the only time this fear finally left my thoughts was when I moved out for university, haha. Although, I think I will fully blossom once this gets out of my head entirely, and I admire you a lot for how you've grown!

I think it's nice to be able to reminisce on these moments, even if they were difficult or scary. I think they stick with you for a reason and are meant to help you learn and grow as a person. When I think about some of my past actions or experiences, I notice how much I've changed as a person when I'm able to grasp some lessons that they taught me instead of feeling mortified or disappointed in myself.

Also, I think a playlist is a great idea. I'm one of those people who rely on playlists to get my nostalgia going. They act as a time machine for me, honestly.

[spottedowl]

Hi, so I have a small problem again.
About a year and a half ago, I made contact again with 2 of my friends, one since elementary school, the other since high school. I kinda started using them as therapists even though I already had one at the time.
The female friend knew about my mom’s cancer, various family hospital trips for allergies and anxiety, the past relationships etc., basically everything that happened to me in the past 3 years, and I told her in 2 weeks. That was kinda quick for me to reveal all that personal stuff, and I kinda started asking for advice/venting/just using her as my free therapist and telling her a bunch of things that in hindsight really should have stayed private between me and my therapist. I think she also felt a bit uncomfortable with my relying too much on her. Anyway last year around this time we reconnected (few months after I went to the psych hospital-she doesn’t know anything about that or the medicine, and I don’t plan on telling her), and I just told her I switched therapists and was feeling better and we talked about other things.
I then took a long break to focus on myself and texted her again last month and it was a bit awkward, like very surface level and without a ton of her investment. She lives and works in a city 3 hours from me, so she could just be busy-we all are-or I could be the one making it weird by comparing her normal texting, with the frenetic I need you texting I was having with her. It could also be that I’ve basically texted her once a year at this point and just need to keep in contact more, but I really want that deeper emotional connection we had growing up-without over sharing, since she hasn’t experienced the same struggles I have and therefore can’t relate fully.
The other guy friend, I contacted him lonely one Christmas Eve a year and a half ago, basically telling him sorry for briefly making things awkward between us in high school (I had a crush on him that could have turned into dating had I not been scared about what my parents would think-and I told him this), I also mentioned a brief phone call between us that he doesn’t remember, I barely remembered it myself-something about a group of girls and guys going to the movies, and that being when I got the epiphany that I liked him. He was kinda confused about the outpouring of emotion but reassured me all was forgiven-he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I still haven’t taken up that offer, I don’t know what to say to him since I feel I overshared again. I guess the response I wanted to give was more like hi how are you, remember so and so your friend? Do you still have his number because I feel like I need closure on my crush on him? So I feel like I need to say something to wrap up that convo, and maybe it should be something alluding to personal issues 2 years ago when I first texted, thanks for clearing up the misunderstanding, maybe we just talked in class but I just felt like there was a phone call.
My question is how do I rekindle/establish that emotional connection without sharing too much? It’s not that I feel “broken” or a need to be “normal”, but I tend to think sharing leads to understanding, and sometimes (like with my parents or older adults in general, it does), but with people my own age, they are shocked/surprised and don’t know how to handle it, which leads to me feeling uncomfortable because I just shared so much and am not getting understanding. So I’m stuck with either small talk or deep heavy conversations, and the whole time I feel like they are not really getting me, whenever I try to be social to make new friends.

[Nicole]

Hi spottedowl,

I think you do a good job at sensing people's energy when you feel like you've begun to overshare, so taking that into account can definitely guide you on when to tone it down. Even just acknowledging this to the person you're speaking to (in the moment or in advance) and apologizing does enough, in my opinion. Although, I'm sure you understand that utilizing friends you haven't spoken to in years as therapists without any discretion can impact future interactions.

First, is the female friend the one from elementary school? I believe there is a chance to create a deeper connection with her, but it will have to happen slowly. Personally, I think it's best to figure out a time to meet in person and interact face-to-face, rather than just rely on interaction through text. I think that by meeting in person, you are able to navigate the body language and nonverbal cues of the other person, which then guides you to adjust how you are interacting with them. I think this is especially important since you haven't seen this person in-person for a long time. Also, I know you mentioned that you haven't spoken to this person since elementary school, and people can change a LOT in that duration of time, so if you start to notice that this person isn't as interested in fostering a deeper connection with you as they used to, I wouldn't take it personally and just leave them at that.

Second, from my perspective, the guy friend seems like he is okay and comfortable with discussing these topics with you. With that being said, I'm sure it's okay to ask him about the friend you had a crush on. The guy friend is receptive to your need for closure, but I would confirm with the guy friend if reaching out to the friend you had a crush on about your former crush on him is a good idea. I worry that if he does not seem receptive in conversation, your concerns about coming off as too much (oversharing) would resurface.

I want to leave this off with a question, is there a reason why you want these relationships back in your life? Sometimes, going back into old friendships when the former friends are not receptive can create feelings of stress, regret, etc. Is there a reason why you want to go back to them? Do you think this is healthy for you or the other person? I know it's good to find closure, like what you're thinking about doing with the former crush, but I don't want you beating yourself up over the worry of oversharing and them not being receptive! I know it's easier said than done, but it might help to just leave things as they were, for your own well-being's sake.

This is a long response. Please let me know if any of this makes sense.

[spottedowl]

Hi Nicole,
Thanks for the long response-it all made sense.
I should clarify though, the female friend, I was friends with her all throughout high school. We met in 3rd grade. We also didn’t talk at all for 4 years of college, so your advice still stands-people change a lot in college. I have seen her in person twice 2 years ago, and she seemed really receptive and I didn’t feel like I was over sharing. I think it can be healthy for both me and her as long as I make sure to not use her as my therapist again and to only share things with her when I feel ready. I feel like I need those deeper friendships with an emotional connection, and since she knew me since I was a kid, I’m reluctant to let that friendship go. I missed her throughout college, not having a way to contact her since she changed her number and only made a social media account at the end of college. If not for that, I would have told her about the cancer and COVID struggles way sooner.

The male friend (let’s call him V), this is where I’m struggling. It’s fine to have him in my life, he’s not a toxic friend, but I don’t really want him there since we weren’t super close to begin with beyond a week old crush 5 years ago, and my main reason for even contacting him was to get more info on these past relationships (call them A and B).

V knows nothing about A and B but is related to P another guy. P knows both A and B very well. (I’d get in touch with P directly, but he has a super common name and no details on social media which makes him hard to find, and V had a picture and details so it was easier.) In high school I confided in P about my feelings for A and B and V and he helped me with the relationship advice that I could not ask A and B and V about (because they were the problem). P was just a friend, and is as close to an impartial person as possible in all this. P was also receptive to helping me back then.

I don’t need to talk to A and B directly, conversing with P for a while would be more than enough, since because of his friends and me confiding in him, he knows a good 80% of the story and everything that matters.

I’m pretty sure that if I just contact V and say “sorry for oversharing, but I had a hard time these past few years etc, hey can you get me in contact with P?”, he would be willing to do so.

After talking with P, I’d let the whole thing drop, because I’d have closure.

I tend to overthink these things especially since there was tons of high school drama over me liking A, who was popular, and B who was a “bad boy”. There was a fair bit of real drama after high school, with B’s home life and the police getting involved with B and his mom.

So for the past year, I’ve been kinda like “what if P doesn’t want to talk to me?” and “is it worth going into all that drama again 5 years later when people have grown past it” and “how do I get P’s number without involving V too much since that would make it messy” and “will they think I’m crazy for caring so much about these old relationships”Ugh overthinking!

I don’t think it’s healthy for me to think this much about A, B, V or P. I find myself basically questioning if the relationships I had were real, which I know they are, but it would feel so good to have P say it again. I want to hurry up and contact P so I can have my closure and then not really talk again.

I’ve been reading Scarleteen and other advice columns trying to leave things be, but it seems to me that the only way I can leave things be is if I talk to someone who knew those guys, get some validation that all the feelings in these queer platonic relationships were real (and the feelings in my now 2 year old college queer platonic one with guy X that I never mentioned but which kicked off this whole process of remembering), and then just let the whole thing go.

[Sam W]

Hi Spottedowl,

It sounds like you're pretty sure your next step is to ask V to put you in contact with P, and given that you were friends that sounds like it's a fairly straightforward ask.

One thing I do think would be helpful to think about is what you'll do if the conversation with P doesn't give you the closure you're hoping for, or if for some reason you're not able to talk with P at all. That way, your plan for closure doesn't hinge on someone else being able to talk with you about what happened (too, closure is often something we give ourselves more than other people are able to give us).

[spottedowl]

So it’s been 2 weeks after I contacted V about P and no response. It took 3 months for him to respond the first time though, so it’s not unusual.

But I don’t feel like I need V or P to process and get closure anymore. I guess I am finally at the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of my depressive/psychotic episode. I’ve gotten a lot better at viewing myself as separate from my parents, and capable of dating, that smart, successful people can casually date, or date their friends or have sex in any number of ways, I can finally conceive of myself as a person that has done some of these things, who can do these things. Which is a good thing, and it makes me feel really powerful.

My mom and I had a conversation about dating today, and she mentioned how she’d never dated any of the many boys she had in her friend group all throughout high school and college, even her parents thought she would date one of them. Whether this was because of the stigma against boyfriends where she grew up in the 1970’s, or because she really didn’t want to, or both, I don’t think it really matters. Also, she’s never experienced a breakup but she admitted that all she wants is for me to be happy and not get caught up in the pain. I think I’ve managed to do that over my past relationships. But we had an eye-opening conversation and we really should have had it earlier, because it cleared up a lot of the blame and expectations.

[Latha]

Hi there, Spottedowl- that's great news, congratulations!

[spottedowl]

So it’s been a month since I messaged V, and I realized this week that I don’t really care about that anymore. I finally have the closure I need, because now I’ve received a diagnosis of generalized anxiety and have really started working on my independence (stopped avoiding becoming independent), worked on speaking my mind to people and doing what I think is best, not what others think is best, and of course dealing with my worries.

When it comes to sex and relationships I do feel a lot more confident about knowing what I want and how to communicate and ask for it. I also feel a lot less anxious about dating in general, now I know it isn’t really that big of a deal as I was making it out to be in my head, which I guess is common with anxiety.

One thing I would like to do is have a conversation about mental health with my grandma, and not just because of the past relationship that she felt ashamed of and forgot about, that we have in common. She also struggles with anxiety, worries and independent thinking. She’s very self-sufficient when it comes to emotions. She’s gone through hardships like her brother dying when she was 19, and losing her husband at 50. I see myself becoming her in the future, both the best parts of her, and the worse parts if I don’t work on my anxiety and independence. But the thing is she doesn’t really trust therapy and medication and the idea that other people can empathize and understand what she’s going through by their education and training even if they haven’t experienced it themselves. There’s that value in therapy of a fresh perspective, which she doesn’t get.

She’s 75, and I won’t get to spend a lifetime with her, and especially considering my mental health journey, I want to connect with her. She loves me, and wants to help me, but shuts down every time I mention the therapy or really mental health in general.

How do I talk to her about mental health?

[Latha]

Hi spottedowl- it is wonderful that you're feeling better!

I think it is really sweet that you want to connect with your grandmother. You know, people at that age can sometimes be a little set in their ways, especially if they formed such beliefs during difficult periods in their lives. But your grandmother loves you and wants to support you- there is a fair chance that she will warm up to talking about mental health and therapy with you, given some time. Perhaps you could begin by mentioning therapy or your mental health in conversation, and quickly moving on. If you like reading or watching movies or shows together, you could pick something that mentions such topics positively.

Too, when you say she shuts down when you mention these topics- what does that look like? Does she stop wanting to participate in the conversation entirely?

[spottedowl]

Watching movies together is a good idea, I’ll try to do that.
It’s not that she stops wanting to participate, she participates but she spends like 20-30 minutes sort of bashing the therapist and the process. She’s actually more respectful about the psychiatrist and the medication given to me than the therapist-I guess because that doctor is “a real doctor”.

I’ll admit that the attitude of “you don’t need that medicine for a happy life” and “why are you going to the therapist?” kinda helped when I couldn’t see a way out of my troubles except through the medication and therapist, and I was honestly worried I’d feel that lost and alone forever. Especially when my parents were keeping such a close eye on my Internet use and the books I was reading and pretty much everything to do with my mental health, my grandma’s house was a place to relax.

But now I see an end to the medication in about a year, and am choosing to go to weekly therapy sessions to talk about things related to independence and relationships and thriving and doing more than just surviving to the next day. Her attitude irritates me now.

Just last week I brought up her meeting with the therapist about anxiety, and she said
“Why are you going to the same lady and she’s asking the same questions, you go over the same things, it seems like a waste of time?”
And I don’t know how to say that it isn’t a waste of time for me.
But when I actually take her with me to the therapist for like a family meeting type thing which I’ve done twice, she opens up like it’s her session! I mean everything just comes out-the husband dying, the frustration at not being able to attend college, her upbringing. She ends up monopolizing the time and the therapist and I need to kinda gently fight her to get the focus back on me!

So I can tell she likes the process once she gets there, she probably could use a therapist of her own with all the time she uses up. But it’s that initial insulting of it, the why is this even useful, these people have nothing good to say to me attitude, that just makes it difficult to connect with her. Plus, that connection in the therapist’s office was the most I saw her open up about emotions to someone who wasn’t family.

[Sofi]

Hi spottedowl,
You know, I can relate to having an older relative who bashes therapy and doesn't really like to talk about mental health, and it can be a struggle because I just KNOW it's something that would help him. Like Latha said, though, some people that age are set in their ways and we don't want to push them too much, we want to respect their beliefs about this kinda stuff, since they're not really hurting anyone (arguably, aside from themselves, but that's more of an opinion I suppose).

That being said, I want to offer a couple different perspectives. First, you want to remember that the things she's saying say a lot more about her and where she is in her journey than about you or therapy in general. You mentioned she opened up a lot in your therapy sessions, which I'll agree with you, shows she could benefit from her own. However we really can't force that on people and often when someone goes to therapy because they're forced to, they don't really get anything out of it. It's kind of like "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped". It's very sweet that you care about her mental wellbeing and I'm not saying you should give up and never bring it up again, but perhaps give her some time to sit with what you've already brought up and let her come to that decision on her own?

Also, I want to offer a cultural perspective. In some cultures, healing isn't done through talking (the way it is for us younger folks in the US). For many many years before therapy and modern psychiatry were a thing, people were healing from trauma in other ways, like dancing or spending time with their community or mindful meditation - there's plenty of ways. I'm not trying to say either way is right or wrong, and many people find a balance between different approaches can be very helpful, so it doesn't have to be one way OR the other. I just wanted to share that maybe there's some stuff she has done, does or is open to doing, to help heal her past, that isn't necessarily therapy the way we know it. Worth keeping it in mind!

[spottedowl]

Thanks for the reminder of different ways of processing bad things that happened. I know that my grandma learned a lot of classical music, likes meditation, dancing, and was close with her family, so it’s nice to remind myself that she healed from the bad stuff that way.

How do I communicate with family?

I’ve gotten really close to sharing my feelings with my grandma when we are alone, but I always stop short of telling her. I’m afraid of two things: that she won’t take me seriously, and revisiting my past experiences.

When I was first experiencing the symptoms of anxiety over being independent and relationships, my parents and family didn’t realize how bad it was. They kind of dismissed my anxiety over not having a full social life after COVID, and my inability to even really conceive of moving out or doing more things independently. Now things are much better, my parents and grandma have talked with my therapist and doctor about anxiety and we have all learned tips on how to manage it. So I know she’ll take me seriously, I guess I’m just anxious again.

I’m also afraid of acknowledging how hard it was for me 1.5 years ago and having to go back there in my head. I guess on some level I think if I go back to it, and try unpacking it more, it might happen again? I feel the same way about the year my mom had cancer, it’s not that it’s so painful exactly, it’s just that I don’t want to experience that loneliness, sadness or muted cheerfulness again.

I have talked with my therapist about the paranoia and fear that I felt those days 1.5 years ago, and it’s not easy, but I can do it. Talking about it with family feels more personal though, because we kinda went through it all together. My grandma especially because we share many of the same mental health struggles.

[Latha]

Hi there, SpottedOwl,

You mentioned that you're worried that you won't be taken seriously, or that you'll be dismissed. Since you know that your family's views have changed since talking with your therapist and doctor, do you think bringing this up and asking them for some reassurance upfront would assuage these concerns?

It may also help to be clear about what you need from your family in these discussions. Like, 'I want to discuss [topic] and I need your support/help [in this way]'.

It is okay to push yourself a little, but don't force yourself to revisit how you were feeling 1.5 years ago. It is okay to take your time- try to be patient with yourself. And I understand why you feel afraid that you'll start feeling the same way again, but you should remember that you're not the same person that you were. Your mindset has changed, and I bet you've learned some strategies that you can use to handle feelings of anxiety, loneliness, or sadness. You have support from your family, and you're seeing a therapist. Though acknowledging how you felt might be difficult, it won't be the same as it was then.