i’ve rethought my thoughts on having sex with other people and im having issues

[SillyMcGoof_]

heyo so basically in a previous post i talked about how i didn’t want to have sex with anyone besides headmates and well, after some thinking we’ve realized that that is not the case but we’re having some issues

so basically we’ve realized that the idea of having sex with someone (in the outerworld specifically in this context) is very appealing to us, but it also terrifies us.

basically we’re terrified that we’ll get taken advantage of or sexually assaulted, which is a bit strange because even though we have cptsd, i dont think we’ve ever had any sexual trauma.

i guess its also partially because we have a ton of trouble making connections with people because everyone we meet just kinda. leaves or does something that makes us wanna leave them. this plays a part bc i would wanna do it with someone i have a connection with and somewhat trust, but at least with the way i am rn, i dont get that sorta stuff.

im also absolutely terrified of the risk of pregnancy and diseases so thats another thing

also i dont think this warrants a whole other post so im gonna throw it in here but i realized that the reason why i felt so awful bc i couldn’t ejaculate was from dysphoria. idk how it took me so long to figure out but we saw someone else talk about it and we were like “so THATS what it is”

im not really sure what response i want from this post specifically. probably just general advice and ways to sorta help me work through this is appreciated (well, to the best of your ability as i know you guys aren’t my therapist)

thanks!

[Sam W]

Hi SillyMcGoof_,

You know, what I'm hearing here is really a mixture of two things: you figuring out your needs and wants when it comes to sex, and you realizing you're not in a place to be sexual any time soon. Those are both really valuable things to be doing!

For instance, it sounds like you know you probably only want to be sexual with people you have a longer term, deeper connection with. I actually think it might be really helpful to read through this article and look at the different recommendations for managing different wants/worries around sex, including things like length of relationships and risks: Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals

With sexual assault, it's not that strange to be afraid of it even if your don't have a history of sexual assault. It's pretty common to be afraid of something that is far more common than it should be and is a traumatizing and frightening. If it would be helpful, we can certainly talk about some ways that people balance that fear with their own desires to be out there dating and having sex.

[SillyMcGoof_]

thanks!! that article was pretty helpful!!

after thinking a bit i thought of a few more things:

- im aro and not interested in a romantic relationship, which would probably make things harder
- a lot of the friendships i seem to make, the people either end up being kinda crap, we both just kinda forget to talk to eachother and keep in touch, or just generally drift apart
- i dont have any irl friends only online ones, but my mom is trying to figure something out for that
- my mom will probably not be super receptive to the thought of me having partnered sex and i probably wont have access to any sort of testing or contraceptives
- most people my age i meet are dating people and i dont wanna have any sexual relations with people with partners for obvious reasons, and even if the parter would consent to it i still wouldn’t want to for comfort reasons
- my cptsd and anxiety really make stuff like this a lot harder, which probably means i should work on that before i think about having partnered sex

[Sofi]

Hi SillyMcGoof, hope it's okay that I jump in. I think that last point you made is the most important one, and it's great that you realized that. Sometimes we just aren't in the right mental space for stuff like dating and sex, and that's okay - it's way better that we acknowledge it and work on it, than do it anyway. I'm sorry if you've talked about it in a different thread and I missed it, but are you currently in therapy and if so, have you been able to talk about this stuff, particularly your CPTSD and anxiety?