Scarleteen

I was wondering how you can tell whether the honeymoon stage of a relationship is healthy?

I recently got into a relationship (it's been six weeks). We met at a conference, spent a week together, realised we had feelings for each other on the last day, and then boarded planes to our separate countries. The first week we were messaging back and forth, and then we started video chatting. A few weeks later we found ourselves video chatting three or four hours a day (assuming our work schedules and other plans could manage it). It got so bad that we had to set a bedtime because we were staying up too late!

We're both managing to get our work done, though it's been a struggle to focus for both of us. We spend time with our families and friends about as much as we did before. We're actually pretty good about saying "I can't talk this evening." Or "You need to go get something to eat and THEN we'll call" or "Can't text now, I'm working." And we respect those boundaries. But there's definitely, almost a craving to talk for both of us.

I've heard that the dopamine high in a new relationship can be like a drug addiction. Is what we're doing healthy or normal for a long distance relationship? Will the "craving" eventually go away? When is it likely to? And does the honeymoon phase behave differently when it's long distance? Is there any way I can trust my brain to reasonably evaluate this relationship, or am I just going to have to wait until I'm no longer "high" as a kite? I've also heard that relationships tend to do better if the honeymoon phase isn't as strong. Is this true?

(And, furthermore, am I overthinking all this? I have an anxiety disorder so I wouldn't put it past me)

Hey Glorious -- there's a lot we can dig into here, and I'm not sure if I can get to everything. I'll start with your main concern though: from everything you've said, I think this phase of newness and excitement in this relationship sounds pretty normal and healthy. To me, the mark of a problem would be interference with other relationships and activities and/or lack of boundaries, which doesn't seem to be an issue here. It sounds like you are both very self-aware and intentional.

I don't want to say you're outright overthinking, but I'm wondering why you're so concerned about whether or not what you're feeling is normal or unhealthy so early on. Is this is a new feeling for you? Have you ever had an experience where you felt like you weren't able to assess a relationship well? Does it feel important to have someone else judge what's going on?

Oh, there's an easy answer to your question about the nervousness.This is my first romantic relationship. I don't really have a good gage of what's normal.

I guess I just wasn't romantically interested in anyone for most of my adult life I'd honestly thought I was going to be single for my life and was happy about it. My SO was on the same trajectory before we me met, to the surprise of us both. But now I'm really doing a recalibration and trying to figure out the things I never thought I'd have to figure out. I guess my lack of experience has me asking the questions that most people ask in their teens.

Hi there, Glorious.

I think one of the central things we tend to learn through experience with relationships is to check in a lot with our feelings and trust them.

So, maybe we can start here: how are you feeling with all of this, including the things you specifically posted about? Is anything not feeling right to you? Is there anything you feel like you want to adjust or change or talk to the other person about to see where they're at?

I do want to say that so far, unless I'm not getting this, it sounds like you two are really enjoying this connection and doing a good job making the adjustments we often will need to at the start of things when we're feeling so twitterpatted and so excited to be getting to know each other.

How am I feeling so far?

Well, I feel really safe and comfortable with them. I like them a lot. I like that we get to be ourselves with each other and there's a lot of nonjudgmentalness from both of us. I like that our expectations are verbalized rather than implied or just assumed. I appreciate that we are able to have authentic, respectful conversations about difficult things. I appreciate that they can tell when I'm getting overwhelmed or embarrassed (even before I can sometimes) and slow things down or stop entirely.

I worry about my inexperience from time to time. Not in the sense of, "Am I going to perform well sexually?" or anything like that. I'm more concerned that I don't have the experience to recognise red flags, for instance, or I don't know what's normal in romantic relationships.

The flip side of that is I feel good this is happening now and not sooner. It feels like all the time I was single helped me develop a strong sense of self and strong friendships and other relationships. I'm not just flying blindly, you know? I know what my needs and wants are out of a relationship and have no problem articulating them. I would have been out of my depth if I were younger. A friend of mine has always told me I walk a very unique path, so maybe knowing what's normal in other relationships doesn't really matter here.

I think a source of tension is that things seem to be moving fast to my logical brain, but not to my feeling brain. We honestly think that God put us together. I can see myself building a life with my SO, and they've said as much to me. Logically, it seems much too early to say such things, even if we're feeling them. But maybe it doesn't matter because neither of us is about to move to another country and/or get married. We'll just have to see where it goes with time.

Hi Glorious,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here!

Similar to what Carly said, I think everything you're describing is normal and healthy. You mentioned just now how you don't have the experience to recognize red flags or don't know what's normal in romantic relationships. I want to start by asking a question about the red flags--do you have any friends that you discuss this relationship with and see if you can get a second opinion on certain behaviors? Personally, I'm one of those people who consider outsiders' perspectives on matters like these, but then again, what they consider a "red flag" might not be what I consider a red flag, and so on. There are many things that could "count" as a "red flag" to different people and sometimes it can be difficult to spot early in a relationship. What is a "red flag" in a partner to you?

This is similar to wanting to recognize what's normal in romantic relationships. Could you explain a little about what a normal romantic relationship means to you? I think this differs from one individual to another, so it's not as simple as it seems! Many people assume their relationship has to fit into a certain mold, but each person's experience is entirely unique. What do you think?

You seem like you're very self-aware and want to be prepared to create a wonderful relationship, which I really love to see. I think you have the right idea about seeing where it goes with time. If you notice that things are getting a little too fast-paced for you to keep up with emotionally, it's important to communicate this. I see how you both have worked on setting boundaries to focus on work, which is fantastic, but don't forget to take care of yourself as well!