kissless virgin at 20 and other problems

[alriune]

literally what the title says, i do realize that 20 is still pretty young but never having dated or kissed is really weighing down on me mentally.

i know there isn't some achievement guide to life where you need to do x by y but seeing how ubiquitous it is for people to start getting involved romantically with others as teens feels alienating to me. none of this is helped by the fact that being extremely neurodivergent has made talking to people basically impossible and my loneliness and need for physical affection to be met makes it worse (i hate being touched by friends/family and will only allow it romantically)

[Logan W]

Hi airiune,

I understand that society does really inflict a certain standard on what is a normal time frame to start having certain experiences. I also want to say that you are definitely not alone, even though I know it can feel a little lonely when it's made to seem like everyone is having certain experiences.

Do you want to date other people? Or is this more something that you feel like you should do? Is there an outside pressure that is making you want to date?

[alriune]

i know for a fact that i want to date and i don't think there's much outside pressure, if i didn't actually want to date i wouldn't care about any of this. it's because i want to date that i'm feeling pressure, i think. i won't deny there is a little bit of societal pressure in the sense that, since i want to date, i should've already hit the dating "milestones" already.

i'm afraid i'm going to end up either alone or a 40 year old virgin. i know there technically isn't anything wrong with either of those options but the former is the worst case scenario and the latter would just be really humiliating for me.

[Nicole]

Hi alriune,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. We're similar in age and I have some friends that are going through similar things, especially regarding hitting dating "milestones" and all that. I'm one of those people who tell people to wait for things to happen "organically" instead of forcing it. Of course, it's not that simple, but there are things that one can do to get there. You mentioned that you're interested in dating, so let's take a look at how to move forward!

First, what is your social life like? Do you have friends who could introduce you to people? I know you mentioned you're neurodivergent and struggle with talking to people, so looking online is an option as well. How do you feel about any of that?

I want to finish this off with a resource of ours that I think you would benefit from reading, here's a link: Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience. Let me know what you think and if you have any further questions.

[alriune]

hi nicole, i skimmed that article you linked and it has a lot of helpful advice, and when it's not so late i'll read it in full.

my social life is lacking, in my opinion. i do have plenty of friends, but the problem is they're all online. i have nothing against online or long distance relationships, but i do frequently wish i had some friends who lived closer by so we could go do stuff together in person. on that note, i have friends who are in long distance relationships with people they met over the internet and they're thriving. two of my friends who met online actually not only live together now but they got married in march

the thing is, i'm not interested in a long distance relationship because the physical aspect is really important to me. i don't think i could have a romantic relationship without it.

i do know some people in real life, but the people i actually do go out and do stuff with, imo, can't really be considered "friends" in my opinion, not in the sense that they're bad people or "fake" but because our relationship more or less hinges on doing stuff and not really anything deeper than that, and they're closer to being my sister's friends than my friends. i know other people who i would definitely like to be friends with, but just the thought of reaching out to them is terrifying.

it's probably worth mentioning the specifics of what i mean by being neurodivergent, which is that i've had an ocd diagnosis since i was 10, an adhd diagnosis since i was younger than that, and my pcp suspects i might have bipolar ii. there's also the whole thing about how i may or may not be autistic which is an entire can of worms but basically, i know people who think i'm autistic and just as many who don't, and when i was very little my parents actually suspected i was autistic but when they had me evaluated they were told i wasn't. i think it's very likely that i have this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_(p ... n_disorder

[Michaela]

Hi Alriune,

Thanks for adding the additional context. So it sounds like you are wanting to focus on making more in-person relationships (friendships and dating) that feel substantial and deep. Being a little terrified to reach out to people you are interested in can definitely be terrifying and with your history, I can see how that adds an additional layer to it. You mentioned some people you would be interested in a friendship with. Would it be helpful to you if we brainstormed and made a plan together for reaching out to those people you are interested in spending more time with? If so, a little more context like how you know them, if you feel comfortable texting them, what things you have in common, etc. would be helpful.