Girlfriend says she'll lose sexual attraction for me if we open our relationship

[Mixxes]

I have been with my girlfriend for two months and we have been talking about our boundaries, identities, and different dynamics we want in our relationship. I am caedograysexual and polyamorous meaning that I became asexual after a traumatic experience and have periods where I feel sexual attraction and other periods where I don't. Additionally, I need to feel safe with someone in order to feel any sort of sexual attraction for them at all. I'm polyamorous in the sexual orientation sense where I've always been polyamorous, have a big heart, and am attracted to many people in many different ways at the same time. My girlfriend has a similar identity to me. She's demisexual, asexual, and polyamorous, so she really only feels genuine sexual attraction to people she feels a connection with, and even then she doesn't feel it often. I'm really the first person in her life that she's felt genuinely sexually attracted to, so for her it's extremely hard to find anyone sexually attractive. She is also polyamorous in a similar way as me, where it's an orientation for her, but she doesn't desire to be polyamorous as a relationship style with me. She says it's because she's afraid that if we have an open relationship that she will lose her sexual attraction for me because she feels our relationship with others will impact the relationship we have. She believes that if I have partnerships with other people that their energy and spirit will transfer to me and she will no longer be sexually attracted to me because of that. She says it's not a guarantee that will happen, but she worried it will because I'm the first and only person she's felt sexual attraction for. I ideally would want an open relationship with her, but I also don't want to risk her losing sexual attraction for me. I feel very conflicted in this scenario. Any advice?

P.S. She says polyamory won't impact her romantic attraction for me at all. She's just worried about the sexual attraction since she's asexual.

[Sam W]

Hi Mixxes,

So, for the time being, it sounds like she's made it pretty clear that she wants your relationship to remain closed for the foreseeable future. That means that the question to ask yourself is: are you going to be content and happy with this being a monogamous relationship? To be clear, there's not a right answer to that; it's more a matter of thinking about whether your desire to be with her and see where this relationship goes feels worth trading off the option to explore relationships with other people.

I do think it's worth asking her about that specific fear that other people's energy or spirit will rub off on you and change her attraction to you. Has she been in open relationships in the past where a partner forming a relationship with a new person lead to them behaving radically differently in their relationship with her, or where something about how they were acting with the new partner lead her to see them in a new, less desirable light? Or is this fear completely theoretical rather than based on past experiences with romantic partners?

A reason I bring that up is that she's not wrong that in a non-monogamous set up, the different relationships can and do impact each other. Different partners may draw out or highlight different aspects of our personalities, or change how we divide and spend our time and energy. And it's true that things like our behavior can certainly influence how attracted a partner is to us. But we don't suddenly become a new or different person just by having sex with someone else. And some of the things that a partner is attracted to about us--our features, our bodies, our dynamic with them, etc--are very unlikely to be changed by taking on another partner. See what I'm getting at?

[Mixxes]

I’m okay with being monogamous with her and seeing where the relationship goes.

She’s never been in an open relationship, which is why she said it’s a possibility but not a certainty and why she said she’s scared it might happen, but not completely sure it will. It’s theoretical.

I did ask her about the energy thing and she said basically what you said that being with other people would impact my “energy” or personality. She says she doesn’t want to interact with other peoples energy, only mine, and so it would influence her sexual attraction to me because she’s demi and is only sexually attracted to people’s soul really. It’s not about physical attributes for her. And if my soul is “mixed” with another’s soul, she’s scared she will lose sexual attraction for me since it’s not just my soul she’s interacting with anymore. She would be inviting the energy of the other partner into our relationship, which she says might influence her sexual attraction to me.

[Latha]

Hi there, Mixxes

If you're comfortable with staying monogamous, that's a good plan. If you do want to discuss open relationships with your girlfriend in the future, I wonder if it would help to look into stories from other people who have opened up their relationships together. It might give her a more practical understanding of how these relationships can work. You could also bring up what Sam said here if you haven't already- it may reassure her:

A reason I bring that up is that she's not wrong that in a non-monogamous set up, the different relationships can and do impact each other. Different partners may draw out or highlight different aspects of our personalities, or change how we divide and spend our time and energy. And it's true that things like our behavior can certainly influence how attracted a partner is to us. But we don't suddenly become a new or different person just by having sex with someone else. And some of the things that a partner is attracted to about us--our features, our bodies, our dynamic with them, etc--are very unlikely to be changed by taking on another partner. See what I'm getting at?

[Mixxes]

So I talked to her about me being able to be monogamous to her for a while, but that I don't know if my desire to be in a monogamous relationship will change in the future and that made her feel extremely unsafe with me and sad because she wanted to be monogamous with me forever. And I told her that I just don't want to promise her monogamy forever when I don't even know what the future looks like and what circumstances we'll be in or what feelings we'll have. And now no matter what I do, she feels like I don't love her enough or as much as her because I don't know whether I'll want to be in a monogamous relationship in the future or not. She feels extremely bad because I'm uncertain. And I feel extremely bad because she's not allowing life to just happen and our relationship to unravel naturally. I said I can promise her some years of monogamy and we can check back in and see where we're at after some time and she said she's okay with that, but now I feel like she's just not going to be happy even when we are monogamous because she feels I don't love her enough.

I feel really sad about this situation and frustrated because relationship styles are so arbitrary to me and it won't change my feelings for her. But she thinks that being in a polyamorous relationship means that I am not fully committed to her and that I don't love her enough. And I don't know how I can make her feel secure in my feelings for her and get her to understand that I AM fully committed to her, no matter the relationship style we have. She's also letting the future dictate our present relationship and it doesn't make sense to me because no one knows the future. We don't know where we're going to be in our lives, what jobs we'll have, who will still be around, so many things are unpredictable. But she wants certainty and I just can't provide that for her cause I believe no one truly knows. Even if I was a monogamous person and I promised her monogamy forever, that's not even certain cause we could just break up one day and that's that. Many monogamous couples end that way and I'm sure they were certain in the beginning it would be forever.

I just don't know how to make her feel safe in the uncertainty because she likes feeling certain. It gives her a sense of safety. And I accept that there are things we don't know in life and that's okay. I focus on the present moment. She focuses on the future.

[Sofi]

So there are a few options here, and while yes, perhaps it is best to discuss whether the relationship should continue or not (given that you two want different things), I don't want to go that route yet unless it's what you want. It sounds like you're still fully in it and wanting to find a way to work this out, so I'll focus on that route.

The first thing I'll mention is that if couples therapy is an option, you could suggest that to her. It could be very helpful to have an expert listen to your conversations and help you see each other's side fully and find a way to work on this so you can find a solution you're both satisfied with.

The other thing is, she will need to feel safe in the relationship before she can agree to anything else - it wouldn't be fair to make her agree to the possibility of a future open relationship if she doesn't feel secure in the monogamous relatiopship now (or, of course, if it's just simply not what she wants). You're right that we don't know where relationships are going, monogamous or not, so predicting or planning for the future just creates anxiety. But her need to feel safe in the relationship is also valid, so in order for you two to move forward in a healthy way, you might have to work on that together. What makes her feel safe vs unsafe, why does she feel that way, those kind of questions; as well as working on anxiety about the future. Your part of it would be to provide her the support and reassurance she needs along the way, so she doesn't feel like she's doing this alone. Of course I am not a mental health professional, though, hence why I suggested couples therapy (or at least individual therapy where you can each talk about this).

Last thing I'll say is this was all based on that you do want to move forward even with the possibility that she will never want an open relationship, meaning you're okay and comfortable with that, and she's also okay with moving forward knowing you might not want to be monogamous forever. The truth is things change and people change, so we really don't know what will happen, but also neither of you should compromise something you're sure you want. Makes sense?