How to talk about polyamory with my partner

[Depressed mess]

So, I’ve been dating my best friend for nearly 6 months, and although I know it’s not that long all things considered i really really love them and they’re my favorite person in the world
Lately we’ve been talking a lot about potential relationship goals, and revisiting boundaries, and talking about the future. And I’ve beefed feelings a bit guilty because in all our discussions about boundaries and goals and everything there’s something I haven’t brought up
Polyamory

I know myself pretty well, and I know my brain just doesn’t do the whole only loving one person at a time thing. I’ve been in a polyamorous relationship before and it was really nice for a while ( it fell apart due to a combination of circumstances and one person breaking quite a few of my boundaries) and I know myself well enough to know eventually I’ll start getting romantic feelings for other people as well
I’d really like to bring up the topic and talk about comfort levels and hypothetical boundaries before any of that actually happens, because i don’t want them to be worried it means I love someone else more when it just doesn’t. When I know I’m fully capable of loving multiple people In completely different and equal ways

But, one of the biggest problems is my partner’s ex cheated on them, with 5 other people, none of whom knew about eachother. I was there supporting them though the whole messy awful breakup, and I know how much it messed with their self worth and ability to trust others.
I tried bringing up the topic briefly when we had our first conversation about boundaries back when we first started dating and it didn’t go well. They tried to keep an open mind but even in just hypothetical scenarios I could already see how they started to distance themself so they wouldn’t get hurt. So we moved on and talked about something else

It’s been nearly 6 months and I have plans of bringing back up boundaries soon, in like a very serious let’s just make sure we cover all our bases and really have a good idea about what is and isn’t ok, and what’s changed
And i really want to bring up polyamory again, just as a hypothetical.

I know myself, I know i could be just fine in a monogamous relationship, and ignoring any new romantic feelings. But I also know just fine isn’t the same as thriving
And I also know that I’m allosexual, with a moderately high sex drive and there ace. And I know that could definitely cause problems in the future because there will definitely be times where I might want to have sex, and I know they will never want to. And I know I’ll probably need to talk about sex too at some point because I need to know what their comfortable with in terms of flirting too at some point


I love my partner a lot, and I want to have as healthy and comfortable a relationship as possible, and work out any problems before they become problems
And I need help figuring out how

[Nicole]

Hi Depressed mess,

Thank you for reaching out to us about this! It's good that you're being proactive and trying to approach this topic in the most effective way possible, especially with taking your partner's previous experiences and feelings into account. It seems like you're doing everything right here.

I want to start by asking a few questions. What outcome do you expect when you have this conversation with your partner? How you would feel if your partner was not comfortable with a polyamorous relationship? I know you mentioned that you would be fine, but not thriving. In the long run, would that be a dealbreaker? I ask all of this because from what you've described, your partner's past reactions to this topic sound like they are not entirely comfortable with the idea of it. How are you feeling about that? Do you think their feelings have changed since then?

If or when you do have this conversation, I think the best move here is to tell them exactly what you told us: "I don’t want them to be worried it means I love someone else more when it just doesn’t. When I know I’m fully capable of loving multiple people In completely different and equal ways." We can brainstorm more ways to have this conversation with your partner if you're interested. We can also provide you with some resources of ours if need be. What do you think?

Also, could you explain some more about what you want to discuss with them about sex? I know you mentioned that you're allosexual and they're asexual, but then you also mentioned flirting. Does this mean flirting with other people? Could you expand on this?

I hope any of this helps and let me know if you have any further questions.

[Depressed mess]

I guess there’s definitely part of me that really hopes they’d at least be open to it potentially if the right person ever came along. with very clear boundaries and lots of communication, but i think I’d be ok if they weren’t and i don’t think it would be a deal breaker. Even before the first conversation I had tried to prepare myself for the possibility that they won’t be ok with it

I think I’d like to brainstorm more ways as well, and resources would be great! Also if you have any ideas on other boundary’s and stuff we should talk about that would be helpful, because i really want to make sure everyone is as comfortable as possible, and the first time it felt like we missed a few things (I did accidentally do a major breach of trust earlier in the relationship, because although it should have been fairly obvious we hadn’t talked specifically about it and I didn’t recognize it when I was stressed at the time)

Just like what parts of sex they’re comfortable talking about, because I know we’ve had fun making really stupid jokes about sex before, but I’m always a little worried because I don’t know exactly where the line of fun to joke about to uncomfortable is for them. And I should have clarified, when I mentioned flirting it’s flirting with them, sometimes I find it fun to bring out the worlds stupidest pickup lines or see how flustered I can make them, I’ve always checked in and they find it fun too, but I still want to know where that line is

Also I should add on, I talked to them a little last night and we’re planning on having this conversation on Monday

[Michaela]

Hi Depressed mess,

I’m glad to hear you have been checking in with them about this and you have a time set to have this conversation. As Nicole said above, it is really great that you are taking the initiative to talk this through. It shows the respect you have for yourself and what you need and the care you have for your partner.

I’ll link a few resources below that dive into polyamory a little more that you can read through in preparation for the conversation:

• First Polyamory Guide

• Initiating open relationships

• Navigating poly realtionships

In terms of specific boundaries to be aware of, the articles go into more detail, but things like what type of structure of a poly relationship you might be interested in or would be comfortable for both of you (the level of involvement of all parties) and how you want to approach jealous feeling that may surface (like laying the groundwork to have open conversations about it).

In terms of the flirting jokes, I think the key thing there is definitely checking in with them which sounds like you have been doing. But, if you are wanting a more clear answer on where that line is for them then directly asking them might be the way to go. Like: “Hey, I was wondering where the line is for you for when these (jokes, flirty things, etc.) are fun or when they become too much.” How does an approach like that sound?

After reading through those articles are you feeling a little more confident going into the conversation? Or do you see more places that you want to talk through and become more clear about? Or new worries or anticipated stumbling blocks that might come up in the conversation? If it would help, feel free to write down what your hopes are for what you want the relationship to look like and where your boundaries are versus where you have some flexibility.