Scarleteen

Hi, really confused rn and hoping someone can help me understand myself.
Just to lay down the stuff I'm mostly sure of, romantic attraction-wise I'm definitely bi. Also, I'm demisexual. As far as I remember, everyone I've been attracted to has either been my friend or someone I wanted to be friends with. Like, if I get a crush it's secondary to an intense squish.

Okay, onto the questioning. I'm attracted to men generally. It's not just wanting romantic intimacy like kissing and cuddling. There are sexual things with men that I actively want and turn me on. But then there are all the things involving their privates. Sometimes I enjoy them. Most of the time I don't. When I was younger, I did them despite not wanting to out of a sense of obligation or not wanting to upset them. Now I only do them when I want but I still find myself stopping because I'm not enjoying it half the time. I have other kinds of sex with men, though. Like I said, I'm attracted to them for the most part.

Yeah, I don't know how to describe it in an identity (especially because it's to do with bodies, not gender). Add to that the possibility that I'm not actually attracted to men, just women and enbies and I was only sleeping with men because of conditioning from society or my first relationship, or the opposite possibility that I'm only uncomfortable with penises because trauma and I'm very confused indeed.

p.s. I should probably mention that I have some sexual trauma and my first time was with the person who caused that. Also, almost all of my sexual experiences have been with cis men.
p.p.s. sry if this was either tmi or too euphemistic, I didn't know how to explain it without any details but also there are kids on here

Hi there, Aletheia- welcome to the boards! Your explanation is good, don't worry- just let me know if I've misunderstood anything. Here are my thoughts:

I've definitely seen people use both 'bi' and 'biromantic lesbian' to describe the kinds of feelings you've mentioned. Here, I think we have to acknowledge that language is an imperfect tool. Words like 'lesbian' or 'biromantic' are good shorthands, often, but they can't communicate everything about a person's sexuality. How could they, when our experiences are so varied and complex? Whatever word you choose, you may still have to clarify the specifics, at times.

The question 'Do I really like men or do I feel like I should like them because of conditioning from society' isn't always simple to answer. One thing I like to ask is: Would having a romantic/sexual relationship with a man give you personal happiness and fulfillment, or do you just want the image of that relationship? That is, would you choose it if nobody was watching?

Let's say you are uncomfortable with penises due to trauma- what does this change? You're not obligated to have certain kinds of sex- you should only do what you're comfortable with. It is okay to have certain preferences, so long as you don't treat people who don't match those preferences badly and don't objectify those who do. Maybe you'll start feeling comfortable with penises in the future- if so, you can adjust how you describe yourself then if needed.

What do you think about all this?