Scarleteen

This is mostly a vent, but any advice would be appreciated. If there is anything you think is missing or any information you think you might need, please ask in the comments and I'll reply or update the post with the answer.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2 months next week and have been talking for about 3, and I have known her since the end of February (I know it doesn't seem like a long time but we were seeing each other 5 times a week on average due to having mutual friends and such)(she is friends with my cousin (19F)). Anyways, things have been great up until 1-2 weeks ago where I started going back to the way I used to be and I was putting alot of pressure on her as well as complaining over any little thing that bothers me. When I realized how much I've been hurting her and bothering her by this I promised her I would change and I've been working on it and I'm changing. The problem is, before she agreed to give me another chance she was saying that due to our age gap things I consider normal and things she considers normal are different things and that's what lead us to having alot of arguments. We both knew our age gap would be a problem but we also both were willing to fight forever and never give up and break up and to always face the problem together through communication. Long story short, after giving me another chance my overthinking grew alot but I thought it was normal and it would pass, up until yesterday when my cousin told me when we were talking that she doesn't think we can work out due to the "body language" of my girlfriend that she saw last time we talked in person about this issue. This got me overthinking alot so I decided to ask my girlfriend if she actually believes we can work out and hasn't given me another chance out of pity. She said she of course hasn't and believed we can work out but after talking with my cousin about how it might play out in the future, and due to remarks given by her friends, she said that she is scared to hurt me because we have different life styles and are in different stages in life. While I bekieve that's true, I don't believe she can hurt me because I believe we can work through anything together. Keep in mind she still loves me alot and she told me that alongside alot of other remarks on how precious I am to her heart and that the last thing she wants is to hurt me. We are gonna talk in person today or tomorrow about this issue again, I had high hopes we would work out and everything will be alright but she keeps insisting on the same issue (hurting me) and if I give her my concerns and valid arguments on how that's not the way to think (break up so we won't get hurt in the future) she migrates to another topic, the topic that she is older and everything that comes with it that I don't really want to repeat here. The problem is she wants us to work out but she is scared and thinks it's better for both of us to break up. I am fighting so hard to try to convince her and I think I might be able to but I'm also soooo scared I won't and that I'll lose the love of my life and the woman I intended to marry. My question is, how can I convince her to give this relationship a chance and to believe we'll become stronger if we don't give up and that we will love our relationship and each other even more after fighting for it instead of giving up? Thank you everyone.

Edit: English is not my first language and my thoughts aren't really well organized right now, I'm sorry if that might cause any trouble.

Hi XLoL2007, welcome to the boards!
It sounds like you care deeply about her and you've been giving this your all. Sometimes we see a future with someone and think they're our person, but it doesn't work out if they're not feeling the same way. From what you're describing it sounds like she might have her mind made up, and that should be enough not to try to convince her. We shouldn't have to convince someone to be with us, even if it's scary to lose them. Think of it this way: if you do convince her, after she has decided she doesn't think you should be together, it won't be as much her decision to stay together as it will be yours. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you or cares about you, but sometimes love is not enough. You can do your best to fight for a relationship but only until the other person doesn't want to anymore, at that point you have to respect their decision. I know it's hard, and scary. How do you feel hearing this? Do you want to talk about ways to navigate the decision of going separate ways?

Sofi wrote: ↑Wed Jul 19, 2023 8:52 am Hi XLoL2007, welcome to the boards!
It sounds like you care deeply about her and you've been giving this your all. Sometimes we see a future with someone and think they're our person, but it doesn't work out if they're not feeling the same way. From what you're describing it sounds like she might have her mind made up, and that should be enough not to try to convince her. We shouldn't have to convince someone to be with us, even if it's scary to lose them. Think of it this way: if you do convince her, after she has decided she doesn't think you should be together, it won't be as much her decision to stay together as it will be yours. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you or cares about you, but sometimes love is not enough. You can do your best to fight for a relationship but only until the other person doesn't want to anymore, at that point you have to respect their decision. I know it's hard, and scary. How do you feel hearing this? Do you want to talk about ways to navigate the decision of going separate ways?

Hello and thanks for your answer, I'm going to meet up with her in an hour or so to talk about the future of the relationship. The problem is that she actually wants this to work but is scared of what the future might hold. Now, about what I feel hearing this, it actually worsened my biggest fear yet since everyone has been saying the same thing and I am the only one actually still holding on to any hope left. About your second question, I would like that very much if possible. Thank you.

Hello!

I hope it’s okay that I’m jumping in here. I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through. While it sounds incredibly difficult, I think you’re doing the best you can to figure out how to move forward. If you don’t mind sharing, how did that conversation go? Did it create more fear, answer any questions/concerns, anything like that? Do you want to talk about anything in particular that was brought up in the conversation?

We have a resource that kind of focuses on what Sofi was talking about, I’ll link it here: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Please take a look and let us know what you think about it!

Nicole wrote: ↑Thu Jul 20, 2023 10:01 am Hello!

I hope it’s okay that I’m jumping in here. I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through. While it sounds incredibly difficult, I think you’re doing the best you can to figure out how to move forward. If you don’t mind sharing, how did that conversation go? Did it create more fear, answer any questions/concerns, anything like that? Do you want to talk about anything in particular that was brought up in the conversation?

We have a resource that kind of focuses on what Sofi was talking about, I’ll link it here: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Please take a look and let us know what you think about it!

Hello, while I won't go into details about what happened (simply because I'd like to move on from the conversation), we worked it out and decided to continue the relationship and be there for each other if any hard times or problems cross our path. One main thing about said conversation is the fact that she was scared of hurting me in the future, so I just pointed out that she was currently hurting me and instead of giving up like she was thinking I would, I stayed and showed her that I will always try and work things out with her because that's how I am with people I love, and I think that argument really eased her fear. She was very reluctant to continue the relationship but I eventually got through to her and we decided to "go with the flow". Another thing I might add is that I believe her friends inserted ideas about me and about our situation in her head which made her doubt our relationship even more, because some arguments she presented were definitely not like her at all. Anyways I'm glad it all worked out, and even though our conversation raised some other questions in me, I'm looking forward to addressing these questions with her and work it out together! Thank you everyone!

Hi XLoL2007,

I'm glad to hear that you both worked it out! If you need any more help or advice from our end, please don't hesitate to reach out to us.

Nicole wrote: ↑Fri Jul 21, 2023 9:47 am Hi XLoL2007,

I'm glad to hear that you both worked it out! If you need any more help or advice from our end, please don't hesitate to reach out to us.

Thank you for the kind words, and let's hope I won't need it!