unsure what to make of this

[sky]

Hey,

I have been trying so hard to isolate from my friends because like even when I do see them, I feel so sad after even though I had fun and I feel like I am just a pest on here. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my friends about this because I don’t feel they understand me so I’m going to come here once again.

I guess I want to know if I’m being overreactive at all? So I was with my best friend tonight and her boyfriend has a friend who lives in the same complex with them and he goes over a lot. He came over tonight and I’ve known him for about a year and I think he’s absolutely so so cute, I’ve honestly had a crush on him since I had a conversation with him. So I had mentioned it to my friend. Well, he came over tonight and I was laying on the couch when he got there in sweats and hair in a bun and he comes in so I got up and like I felt so just ugh like I could have put on some makeup if I knew he was gonna come over tonight.

So her sister and I were leaving for me to come home and I said I feel so awkward when he’s there I get all shy because I think he’s cute. My friend said “oooo do you wanna suck his dick” and I was like “ew stop no I don’t wanna do that to anyone I don’t think I don’t know” and I just got upset. I felt like objectified? Idk the word but like grossed out like why can’t I just have a crush on him and picture us driving around together sharing music holding hands. Why do you have to mention having sexual contact with him. It just made me upset and I am kinda like mad at her? Am I overreacting by being grossed out and upset by her comment? I know I didn’t have to tell her anything but like she’s my best friend for 13 years and we’re really open with everything but that just kinda blew me away.

[Nicole]

Hi sky,

Thanks for reaching out! No, I don't think you're overreacting at all. In my experience, I know that friends can say this stuff and I can laugh it off, but that's not for everyone. The comments that some people find funny do not create the same effect on other people. If that comment really upset you, then that's entirely valid and you should address this with your friend, especially if you've been so close for so long.

Since you are so open with her already, I think the best thing to do here is to reach out to her and express how you feel about this comment. I recommend this because it's best to not let the possible intentions behind this comment linger in your head for too long and just get the answers straight up from the person who said it.

With that being said, I'm not sure if she knows you have a crush on him, but if she does, then you could even tell her what you told us, that it's just a crush and you don't think of it in a sexual way. I think that once you explain to her how this comment impacted you, she will be more mindful of what she says in the future. If she doesn't know you have a crush, then I don't think it would hurt to mention this and explain how you want to make a good impression and if she could help you out with that (like telling you if he was coming by so you feel more prepared make up-wise) then that would be appreciated. Of course, you don't need to say it exactly like that, it's just my two cents. What do you think?

[sky]

She does know, I told her awhile ago, and of course she told her boyfriend which annoyed me and now I’m sure the guy I have a thing for knows too but I try not to think about it, the fact that he probably knows. As far as talking to her about it, I don’t really feel comfortable with it just due to the fact that she doesn’t really ever seem to get things like this.

She’s really supportive of me and she knows how sex scares me and how I find it kinda repulsive but I don’t get into it really because she’s a very sex positive like sexual person and I am all for people having sex and stuff like go you I hope you’re having fun with it and being safe but like I just don’t see it for me. Does that make any sense?

Also like the damage is already done lol he’s seen me so many times looking so not the way I’d wanna present for someone I’m into lol. I don’t care really a little bit because like I just know we’d never become a thing and I don’t really like, want my sex life on display for my best friend and her boyfriend. I would tell my best friend how I felt in things as I’m sure he would tell his best friend about the things and sex is really private. I don’t know if I’m weird but like even kissing is something intimate to me and I know he’s the type to want more so I shouldn’t care since I’m not ready for more right now.

I don’t know if any of that made sense

[Nicole]

Hi again sky!

Yes, that makes a lot of sense! It's really upsetting to hear that she knows about your boundaries regarding sex yet made that comment. Even if it did slip her mind, it wasn't cool of her. I'm really sorry. How are you thinking about moving forward with this friendship after this? How/what do you think we could help you with regarding that?

I don't think you're weird for wanting privacy like that. Your friend should respect your wishes. Do you think your friend would actually share these things with other people (like, has she done it in the past?), or is this just a possibility/assumption? How do you feel about this type of dynamic in your friendship?

[sky]

I don’t know if she would share the sexual bits with her boyfriend, I don’t think so? I don’t know I feel about this dynamic in our friendship, I really only have one friend I can talk to regarding stuff like this and she’s online and like 10 years older then me and on the ace spec and it’s been years now and she’s honestly just like my big sister at this point. I’m not gonna say anything to her about it I’m just gonna take some time away from her and try to get it out of my head because part of me wants to message him and be like hey I’m into you can I come over please don’t tell them I messaged you and just see like how things go, if there’s actually anything there when it’s just us, see if we kiss, but I do not want to give oral or have intercourse I’d like to stay clothed. Do you think it’d be a bad idea to tell him? Just that I think he’s cute and really cool to talk to?

[Heather]

Hi there, sky.

Given what you have said throughout this post, and what you and I already know about your fears around sex, I would personally suggest hanging out in a way that's more like a first meeting: not at anyone's house or apartment, somewhere more public, and not with any expectations on anyone's part about physical contact. I'd generally suggest that to anyone with any kind of first hang with someone, anyway.

We generally can tell if we have mutual desires to be physical when we're just around each other, we don't often have to be physical to suss that out. And this way, if you two want to end your hangout with something like a kiss, it allows for that, too.

If that sounds good, the invite might be something more like, "Hey, I'd love to hang out with you sometime. Are you into it?"

I'm not into asking someone not to tell anyone else about a date. If this was something like protecting your safety as a trans or queer person or something like that, I'd get it, but generally asking someone you aren't involved with yet who to tell or not about just hanging out feels like something that kind of infringes on that person's autonomy. Do you know what I mean?

By all means, if and when you two do get more involved or get sexual, then I think it's more fair/sound to ask for some boundaries about what's shared with your best friend and her boyfriend.

[sky]

So a few things about your response Heather- I was always taught that girls don’t ask boys out and when I had in the past like in elementary like asked a boy do you wanna go out with me and they’d say yes I’d be like yay I have a boyfriend and some of my family would be like oh you asked him out don’t do that blah blah. Is that still like a thing that’s looked down on?

The other things is, I am shy to send the message because like I’m just nervous he’s gonna be like oh no thanks you’re ugly or something. Last thing is, I’m bad at reading social things when it comes to that because I often project my idea of I need to be sexual with them because we’re alone together and I like them and think they wanna be sexual and then I don’t know how to make moves and I get all weird and usually say “I wanna kiss you but I don’t know how to like make the move” and then they’ll grab me and kiss me and then it goes from there.

[Heather]

I would by all means say that people who still hold that opinion -- that people have to be a certain gender to ask people out -- are holding a very, very outdated opinion.

Some people do still think that silliness, but if we didn't do things because someone looked down on it none of us would ever do anything, because there's nothing no one judges, alas!

You can certainly wait to send the message until or unless you feel confident enough -- or not, but feel able to do it anyway. Rejection (or just a no thank you) is always a possibility when we ask for something from someone, so this is something else where you can build up some more self-confidence first, or just go ahead and risk it. We're certainly always available here if and when someone wants some support after a rejection. All of us know how that can feel. <3

In terms of projecting a need to be sexual because of being alone, how about for right now, you stick with not meeting that way at first, see how hanging out goes without being alone, and then we can go to that next step if and when you set up another date/hang where you are alone?

[sky]

I don’t think I want to send him a message because I think that no matter how I met up with him, or anyone for that matter, I would start something sexual and I really don’t want to do that with someone so fast like I have in the past, it always led to guilt and it’ll be really awkward for him to reject me because they have a child, my best friend and her boyfriend. The first time I met him was at the gender reveal, he’s at everything regarding the baby, as am I, it’ll be really awkward and I’m not in a position to be with someone in a sexual way that I have attachments too, so I’m not gonna say anything to him and just meet someone online or something.

I just am not ready for sex and it’s so scary talking to anyone because it feels like it’s always insisted especially on dates like I paid so have sex with me. I don’t have a lot of experience with sexual things and the next experiences I have, I really want them to be special and not like what they’ve been in the past. No more car hookups. I want something private and personal. Idk people tell me the times up for sex to be special for me because I’m so old like it’s just sex no one’s gonna care about how they want my first time to be the times passed for something special and I do have an idea in my head. Candles and music and actual privacy and then I hear that and I’m like oh but I don’t wanna settle for something I don’t deserve again.

[Heather]

To the best of my knowledge, you don't have much experience with dating, so if anyone did ever do that to you -- give you the impression that they paid for a date so you need to have sex with them -- I would consider that the exception, not the rule. I'd also suspect it has more to do with who you chose to go out with than anything else.

Of course, having a date where one person pays for both people is itself pretty antiquated and also inequitable much of the time, so I wouldn't suggest doing that, anyway. It's really easy to avoid when you pick to go somewhere free, but if you're not somewhere free and someone offers to pay for you, all you need to do is say no and ask to split it instead. (Flatly, in 2023, I'd probably get red flag vibes from dudes of any age insisting on paying on dates.)

But I would absolutely encourage you to trust your gut here about pursuing this or not.

Based on everything I know, I feel like you could benefit more from using your time and energy mostly to work on yourself by yourself (including doing some more homework on dating and dating relationships), and perhaps also from pursuing some more platonic friendships.

[sky]

Define platonic friendships? Because I desperately want to hold hands with someone and maybe kiss them. For sure hold hands and hugs where they rub my head. I know this is just probably trauma talking but I really don’t know how to not have it turn into sex. I just start feeling all these things in a situation where we’re both attracted to each other and I just start acting like a different person and I’m like dying for touch and sexual contact when that’s the last thing I actually want at this point of my life.

Is that something therapy could help? I don’t know what I would even say? Like I rush fast? It’s like my body and my head are working so so so fast and my heart can’t even comprehend anything because my body is like going insane

[Nicole]

Hi sky,

I was unable to get back to you during my shift but I let the other volunteers know that you’re waiting for a response!

[sky]

Okay! No rush/worries I also wanted to add something, a lot of the free things are inside and it’s literally people dying for long time sun exposure and just super uncomfortable here. Also, I don’t drink or smoke and I feel that takes a lot of dates off the board, so it’s like people wanna go to the bar and grab a drink and I realize I could go and just get a soda but I know I’ll be tempted to get an alcoholic drink. The smoking thing is a ton of people wrote let’s smoke together and I don’t do that either. The last thing is like oh we could go to dinner but a lot of places I can’t eat at because of allergies and like even if they say the allergy isn’t in it, I still risk cross contamination and that got me extremely sick today. It’s like there’s so many downfalls to going on a date with me, plus I don’t want to have sex, it feels unfair to them.

[Latha]

Hi there, sky!

Thanks for waiting! About platonic friendships- there are definitely different perspectives on what those can be/what people in platonic relationships can do together. We do have some content about such relationships on the site- you can find it by searching for some variant of 'platonic friendships'. You could also broaden your search by googling the same. Regarding therapy: yes, I'd say this is something a good therapist could help with.

I can see how not wanting to drink or smoke might make dating in some places harder. But I think you can use this as a good filter. You could suggest going somewhere else for a date, like the movies, an art exhibition, a museum, or the park early in the morning or during the evening to avoid the sun- if they think that's weird, or if they only prefer to go to a bar, you'll know that they are not a good match for you. Does that make sense?

I don't think the things you described would be deal-breakers for everyone. You have value beyond your ability to eat at some restaurants or go to a bar or have sex.

Yikes, I'm sorry about the cross-contamination- I hope you'll feel better soon!

[sky]

I really don’t believe that to be true, that I have value beyond having sex. I gotta delete these apps and try not to push it. I just don’t know how I’m gonna meet someone if I’m not on dating apps. I also don’t know how to communicate I’m not ready for sex and I’m also very scared to communicate that to someone. I’m very scared to cuddle with someone there’s mutual attraction with because I don’t want them upset with me because I won’t do sexual things.

It’s like, I’m seeking people in the ages of 25-31 and it’s so sexual. Everything is sexual especially with men, everyone I’m seeing, one guy seemed to be wholesome, we exchanged 3 messages last week and then he informed me he’s just looking for someone to explore a kink with and I said oh okay, good luck and I unmatched him. I’m glad he told me soon in the conversation but like it still kinda sucked. Girls are often really sexual too, just their bios say things sometimes that make me so uncomfortable. There isn’t any good ace dating apps and I also don’t know if I identify fully as ace because I have done stuff before and also because I think I want to do it but like in the way future and with someone I love so much.

[Latha]

I promise you that it is true, though I understand it being difficult to believe. Try to remind yourself of this whenever you catch yourself thinking such things- it will get easier to believe with time. I can see why it could feel intimidating to talk to someone about these kinds of boundaries- would you like to work on some scripts to manage such conversations?

Also, I understand not wanting people to be upset with you. The thing is, you are fully justified in having this boundary, so it would be wrong of them to be upset with you. What do you think will happen if you tell someone you don't want to have sex? It seems like it went okay with that guy you were messaging last week.

You're right that the culture on dating apps can sometimes be a bit focused on sex. I think it is a good idea to look into other places you can meet people- that should help with pursuing platonic relationships as well, as Heather suggested before. Would you be open to looking into some options? Are there any local hobbyist groups or cultural events or volunteer opportunities that you could attend?

[sky]

Thanks for the reply! Everyone who’s been talking to me!

We can go through scripts, that’s a great idea actually. As far as what I think is gonna happen if I tell them I don’t wanna have sex, there’s a few things. If we’re kissing and touching and stuff and then I stop it because it’s moving fast and they yell at me because I got them horny. Also, if they get so mad at me and then want me anyways and they rape me. There’s also the fear of telling them and they hit me or grab me that it leaves a bruise.

[Amanda B]

Hi sky,

There are certainly people out there who want the same things as you. Many people are interested in taking things slow, seeing how everything progresses, and getting to know one another deeply before pursuing any kind of sexual contact. I'll echo my colleagues' points that 1. asserting boundaries around what you're looking for before hanging out or meeting up can help filter out people who are not a good match, and 2. whenever you do meet up with someone, keeping the hang out to a public space or even a group setting can help keep things safe.

Before we get into scripts about what to say, I'd like to first explore what you've already tried. In general, when communicating with people, have you ever had to set a boundary? People set boundaries every day that aren't related to sex or relationships. Something as common as, "I'm too tired to hang out, have fun though!" can be setting a boundary. Have you ever communicated in this way with people in your life? How did it go?

[sky]

I’ve used those that on my friends yes, said that I was too tired of didn’t feel good or was in pain and they always have been nice about it. I always tell them before we meet but I usually end up doing stuff anyways because I feel aroused or guilty for wasting their time meeting me so I put out in some way. So it’s really my fault at this point

[Nicole]

Hi sky,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. How do you feel after doing all those things because you feel aroused or guilty for wasting the other person's time? If you don't feel so great after that, then it's an indicator to avoid doing that in the future. Whenever you find yourself in moments like these, it's best to consider how you felt in the past and let that guide you through your decisions in the present. Does that make sense?

Also, if you've set boundaries, the person agrees to them, and the person goes on to meet with you, then you really didn't waste anyone's time. They knew what to expect and agreed to respect that, so you really did not waste the other person's time if you did not end up doing anything sexual with them. Of course, I cannot control how you feel, but I can try to present a different perspective on this situation.

[sky]

I understand you fully. I think part of my problem is I have been told a lot by people in my life, that sexual attraction is very important and if you don’t have sex with them you don’t know how the relationship will be because the connection during sex is really important. If you don’t like having sex with them etc the relationship won’t work.

I’ve also been told “I feel bad for whoever you date” because I am a “prude” because sexual things in movies and stuff make me uncomfortable, and hearing about sex from 98% of the people I know also makes me uncomfortable. The fact that I’m not a very sexual person equates to “feeling bad for my partner” and that feels like shit.

I just wanna meet my person already and I wanna have sex with them and not fake it. I’m super tired of trying with relationships but I want my person I don’t wanna be 30 and single, going to events alone or bringing my best friend as my date to weddings. I want a significant other to be by my side through everything and it’s been shoved down my throat that sex is a big part in keeping that person happy with me.

[sky]

Just coming to add- I can’t fall asleep my mind is wandering too much so I come here for support to calm my mind down and I read the things written under the topics I somehow missed this one in relationships, the no grey area journey healing to sexual assault article.

Actually almost cried. It hit so hard holy crap. I feel so seen? Like you all make me feel better and stuff but seeing it all written down like that it’s like it was in my brain and picked out the thoughts. Incredible actually tell whoever wrote that (of you can obviously) thank you for digging in and sharing that, it was really brave of them <3

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I'm so glad the No Grey Area piece resonated with you <3

There isn't much I can say to your other comments that I or Heather, or other folks, haven't said before, which is that those messages you're getting about how you "should" be having sex or are a bad partner if you don't aren't accurate reflections of the dating world.

If I recall correctly a LOT of those messages come from your family, and I do think that basically being stuck in a soup of those comments is only making it harder to shake them off and focus on getting yourself to a place where you can be the partner you need and want to be for someone else. I honestly think that if you can take small steps to figure out how to live somewhere else, you'll be moving towards a space where you can pursue the kinds of relationships you actually want without this negative chorus in your head.

[sky]

I understand you, fully. Thank you.

When it comes to everything I hate being alone but I am safe right now and that’s a good feeling to have. I don’t have someone to coax me or anything and that’s a nice feeling to have

[sky]

So that article last night has been sitting with me all day. I realized that my ex sexually abused me. I didn’t think it was bad enough but it was bad. No matter how I flip it in my brain I felt pressured. I still feel bad for telling people and like making him look bad which is stupid that I’m holding all the guilt for the things he did.

I want to say with a heavy chest, I deleted every picture and video I have of him that I could find. I don’t know why I feel like I still love him, maybe I’m trauma bonded? Idk what it is but I just feel a sense of like something because he was so many of my firsts, my first real relationship, my first a ton of things and I don’t know what it is but I can’t help but feel a little like it was my fault but I’m trying to know I didn’t do anything wrong. He hurt me in so many ways and I don’t want to experience that kinda pain ever again.